Thursday, July 31, 2008

July Funnies (Part 3)

July 21, 2008

My friend Nick: I'm guessing there's something about Batman in there, totally unrelated to the thread, so I'm skipping out on it. Don't need it ruined for me
Me: SPOILER ALERT: Heath Ledger dies.

Everything I needed to know about life I learned from Luther Campbell.

July 22, 2008

F*ck being a bull in a china shop, I'm more like a machine gun wielding gorilla high on meth in a china shop.

Wait, Joey Lauren Adams used to let that ugly fat piece of shiat (Kevin Smith) stick his wee-wee in her?

There. Is. No. God.

July 23, 2008

(On giving up on being an American)
I feel you man. I'm split 50-50 on the whole stay and try and change it versus just gtfo while I still can.

One of the things that keeps me from going the second route is that (unfortunately) there really aren't too many better places out there. I thought before about moving to Austria - I figured I spoke the language and could probably find a decent enough job there. Then upon further review, I noticed that it's in their constitution that they define themselves as a Christian nation, and I think that all children in the Austrian school system must take Christianity class. As a Buddhist, I feel that goes against my principles a little too much. Plus, look at some of the people that have come from Austria - Adolf Hitler, Arnold Schwarzenegger, and Josef Fritzl. Yeah, not so much.

I dunno. I love this country. But lately it really sucks a pony to be thought of as an American. Most of the rest of the world hates us for what our government and the controlling minority have projected. I must admit I'd probably hate America and Americans too if they bombed my country, raped my country's economy, etc. but I also have the wisdom to realize that not everyone in a country follows the party line. Not everyone in a country buys into or supports where the country is going or what it's doing.

So yeah. I should go make myself another microwave burrito.

My heart is the size, color, and shape of a black olive.

mmm colossal pitted heart...

July 24, 2008

It's a bacon of the month club?

The internet *truly* loves mankind.

Yaay school computers. It says NO PORNOGRAPHY but nothing about looking up pictures demeaning retarded kids.

Me: I just got this in my spam folder:
Senator John Mccain Wishes To Have Sex With Model Heidi Klum
Yep. Don't we all...
My friend Dena: Cept the rest of us probably have a better chance at it.
Me: Maybe she likes guys with super-human jowls.

Basically, Cthulhu = Karl Rove + octopus

July 25, 2008

Awesome - this is like swap, except I don't find myself wishing I spoke Portuguese so I can understand the dialogue!

I dunno, but I love this part of the wikipedia entry on the Bionic Six (I had to wiki it because I had no clue what it was)

JD Bennett was Jack & Helen's intelligent, adopted African-American son.

As opposed to what, Tyrone Bennett the stupid African-American son that probably never got on TV?

If SKYNET had sent Ro-Bear Berbils to kill John Connor, there wouldn't have been a need for the sequels.

Just sayin'.

Don't send an Austrian to do an animated cyborg bear's job.

My friend Max: That and it's hard to fap when all the lady parts are made out of stainless steel.
Me: This is not the first time that thought has crossed my mind today.

My friend Max: Gummi Bears was an awesome show. There. I said it.
My friend Matt: Talk about crushes on cartoon chicks . . . I forget her name now (Gwendolyn maybe?) but that chick was HAWT.
It was the braid, I think.
My friend Max: Her name was Sunni. Clearly, you're also into the kicking hair style and the attitude that just won't quit!
Me: She was the bomb. Allah akbar
My friend Max: The cutest, most delicious suicide bomber ever! Shia was great!
Me: I always wondered if female suicide bombers got 72 virgins as well. This would explain a vast amount of the population of sites like Fark and others, as Allah is obviously stockpiling for the increasing trend towards female equality in the vast arena of killing yourself and the infidels. However, wouldn't it be the least bit disappointing to blow yourself up only to get to heaven and have 72 nerds who have no idea how to satisfy a woman waiting for you? What would you do then - I don't think they'd let you kill yourself a second time around... perhaps you could just fake it for the 10 minutes it would take for all of them to finish and then ask Allah for a shot at James Dean?

The ayes have it.

Holy crap you guys, we just followed parliamentiary procedure. We're moving away from anarchy and towards an orderly society where we can all contribute ideas equally!

Haha I was only kidding about the last part. Now, which one of you broads is gonna go make me a sammich?

July 28, 2008

My friend Mike: And to think that 24 hours ago I was at work and there were a bunch of high strippers and their boyfriends shopping at my store.
Me: With enough cocaine, you could have been their boyfriend.

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