Sunday, November 30, 2008

November Funnies (Part 2)

November 14, 2008

See I'd love to see a movie with Jedi fighting off mutants with chainsaws and tentacle rape monsters, preferrably with a death metal soundtrack.

Ahahahaha the guy in the conference room next to me is ending his conference call and said "Does anyone have anything they want to share?" and my first instinct was to say very loudly that I love my penis.

I can geek out about things, just not geeky things. I'm the anti-geek, but in the geekiest way possible.

I dunno. lol

(Talking about a girl abandoned by her parents at a Nebraska hospital)
Hmm 17 years old, abandoned in the middle of nowhere... No money, no friends, nothing...

I'll bet she surfaces at a strip club in Lincoln going by "Diamond".

(About a photo showing President Bush and a women's sports team flashing some sort of hand signal)
Fancy hand signals - not just for inner city poor kids and the deaf anymore.

November 16, 2008

Every mushroom has a different flavor, and while I've never tasted jizz I can't say I've ever had a mushroom that smelled like bleach and tadpoles.

November 17, 2008

Paste was minty. If they didn't want kids to eat it, they should have made it taste like burning rubber instead of something yummy.

Isn't that the point of Viagra? To magically fix something that's been broken for years?

November 19, 2008

Jello friction. Sounds like either an awesome punk band or a bad porno movie.

November 20, 2008

(To a friend asking how to propose to his girlfriend)
I say do it in the form of a knock-knock joke.

"Who's there?"
"Will who?"
"Will who marry me?"

Knock-knock jokes are appropriate for all of life's serious occasions.

"Who's there?"
"Grandma's dead"

November 22, 2008

Yeah but you're Canadian. You celebrate July 4th in the snow.

November 24, 2008

If only I could give people nervous tics or induce seizures.

No really, I wish I could.

Monday, November 10, 2008

November Funnies (Part 1)

November 3, 2008

(About an Aerosmith-themed ride at Disney)
I am imagining a roller coaster that goes up and down over mountains of blow.

November 5, 2008
Warren G. Harding (better known as Warren G.) was our first black President. He and Nate Dogg had to regulate on Germany, Austria, and Hungary.

(About doing a dance with co-workers to celebrate the Obama victory)
Not sure what to tell you. There aren't many people here I'd like to do the "we did it" dance with. I'd just wind up feeling dirty and questioning my judgement later on.

I'm actually rather touched that he remembered my affinity for Star Wars.

I am still not gonna bugger him though.

I think I just died inside a little. But it was probably a weak part of me anyway, and this has made me stronger.

(About why Rush Limbaugh didn't update his website for a day or two after Obama got elected)
Maybe he OD'd on oxycontin and doughnuts?

(About voting against a candidate running for local office who is anti-abortion, anti-pornography, and anti-premarital sex)
If she got in power, what would I be able to do for my "Teen moms in need of cash make dirty movies" fetish?

November 7, 2008

I always doubted Georgia's version of events because they had so much to gain and Russia had so much to lose with the scenario. Georgia was butthurt because NATO said they wouldn't let them join (mainly because their army is third-rate), and wants so desperately to sit at the cool kids table. They figured if they could provoke Russia into a war Russia wasn't keen on being in and defeat them rather quickly, NATO would see the error of their ways and let them join. Too bad they pissed off one of the top 3 militaries in the entire world. Oops!

Russia on the other hand was finally enjoying semi-normalized relations with the West, and invading a country would ruin any goodwill that had been built over the last 20 years or so. Then again, they weren't about to sit back and let a Third World "military" show them up on an international stage, so they UNLEASHED THE FUCKING FURY like a drunk Yngwie Malmsteen on a trans-Atlantic flight.

(About why Brit Hume stepped down from being an anchor on Fox News)
I hear his son defeated him in a duel and will help him remove his mask, thus helping him regain his humanity.

When I was in 5th grade, the teacher asked us to spell a word she pronounced as "chik". She would not use it in a sentence, so I spelled it "chick". She said it was wrong, and went on to the next kid. Several more people were disqualified when they could not spell it until finally one of the dumber kids in the class spelled out "chic". He went on to the spelling bee, and I learned that inbred redneck teachers shouldn't ever try to pronounce words with foreign origins.

November 10, 2008

Oh come on I can't be the only one who's fapped to flamingo porn...

My son just said that Barack Obama was his "homie".

God bless America.