July Funnies (Part 3)

July 21, 2008

My friend Nick: I'm guessing there's something about Batman in there, totally unrelated to the thread, so I'm skipping out on it. Don't need it ruined for me
Me: SPOILER ALERT: Heath Ledger dies.

Everything I needed to know about life I learned from Luther Campbell.

July 22, 2008

F*ck being a bull in a china shop, I'm more like a machine gun wielding gorilla high on meth in a china shop.

Wait, Joey Lauren Adams used to let that ugly fat piece of shiat (Kevin Smith) stick his wee-wee in her?

There. Is. No. God.

July 23, 2008

(On giving up on being an American)

I feel you man. I'm split 50-50 on the whole stay and try and change it versus just gtfo while I still can.

One of the things that keeps me from going the second route is that (unfortunately) there really aren't too many better places out there. I thought before about moving to Austria - I figured I spoke the language and could probably find a decent enough job there. Then upon further review, I noticed that it's in their constitution that they define themselves as a Christian nation, and I think that all children in the Austrian school system must take Christianity class. As a Buddhist, I feel that goes against my principles a little too much. Plus, look at some of the people that have come from Austria - Adolf Hitler, Arnold Schwarzenegger, and Josef Fritzl. Yeah, not so much.

I dunno. I love this country. But lately it really sucks a pony to be thought of as an American. Most of the rest of the world hates us for what our government and the controlling minority have projected. I must admit I'd probably hate America and Americans too if they bombed my country, raped my country's economy, etc. but I also have the wisdom to realize that not everyone in a country follows the party line. Not everyone in a country buys into or supports where the country is going or what it's doing.

So yeah. I should go make myself another microwave burrito.

My heart is the size, color, and shape of a black olive.

mmm colossal pitted heart...

July 24, 2008

It's a bacon of the month club?

The internet *truly* loves mankind.

Yaay school computers. It says NO PORNOGRAPHY but nothing about looking up pictures demeaning retarded kids.

Me: I just got this in my spam folder:
Senator John Mccain Wishes To Have Sex With Model Heidi Klum
Yep. Don't we all...
My friend Dena: Cept the rest of us probably have a better chance at it.
Me: Maybe she likes guys with super-human jowls.

Basically, Cthulhu = Karl Rove + octopus

July 25, 2008

Awesome - this is like swap, except I don't find myself wishing I spoke Portuguese so I can understand the dialogue!

I dunno, but I love this part of the wikipedia entry on the Bionic Six (I had to wiki it because I had no clue what it was)

JD Bennett was Jack & Helen's intelligent, adopted African-American son.

As opposed to what, Tyrone Bennett the stupid African-American son that probably never got on TV?

If SKYNET had sent Ro-Bear Berbils to kill John Connor, there wouldn't have been a need for the sequels.

Just sayin'.

Don't send an Austrian to do an animated cyborg bear's job.

My friend Max: That and it's hard to fap when all the lady parts are made out of stainless steel.
Me: This is not the first time that thought has crossed my mind today.

My friend Max: Gummi Bears was an awesome show. There. I said it.
My friend Matt: Talk about crushes on cartoon chicks . . . I forget her name now (Gwendolyn maybe?) but that chick was HAWT.
It was the braid, I think.
My friend Max: Her name was Sunni. Clearly, you're also into the kicking hair style and the attitude that just won't quit!
Me: She was the bomb. Allah akbar
My friend Max: The cutest, most delicious suicide bomber ever! Shia was great!
Me: I always wondered if female suicide bombers got 72 virgins as well. This would explain a vast amount of the population of sites like Fark and others, as Allah is obviously stockpiling for the increasing trend towards female equality in the vast arena of killing yourself and the infidels. However, wouldn't it be the least bit disappointing to blow yourself up only to get to heaven and have 72 nerds who have no idea how to satisfy a woman waiting for you? What would you do then - I don't think they'd let you kill yourself a second time around... perhaps you could just fake it for the 10 minutes it would take for all of them to finish and then ask Allah for a shot at James Dean?

The ayes have it.

Holy crap you guys, we just followed parliamentiary procedure. We're moving away from anarchy and towards an orderly society where we can all contribute ideas equally!

Haha I was only kidding about the last part. Now, which one of you broads is gonna go make me a sammich?

July 28, 2008

My friend Mike: And to think that 24 hours ago I was at work and there were a bunch of high strippers and their boyfriends shopping at my store.
Me: With enough cocaine, you could have been their boyfriend.

Hobo Talk

Who knew hobos were so entertaining...


Me: A European friend of mine tried explaining Gypsies to me. He said that they were like bums, except they were bums for generations so the EU gave them special rights. I lol'd.
My friend Max: Now that's pretty awesome. Here we call them "hobos" and you don't even need a permit to hunt them.
Me: Any limits on how many you can bag? Size restrictions? This may or may not be relevant to my interests...
My friend Max: I've never seen any signs posted, but you might want to check your local ordinances. And make sure you dispose of your kills properly.
Me: I eat what I catch. I make a mean drifter stew. It tastes like sweat and cheap scotch.
My friend Max: I want a hobo international brand hobo. I hear they're all the rage right now!
Me: If I start a line of clothing, it will be called HOBO. And it will smell like stale piss and malt liquor.
Me: Everything will come in one color - hobo green (formerly known as olive green or army green) and each garment will have its own unique stains. Man, I'm on to something here...
My friend Max: Malt liquor? Pft. MD 20/20, grape flavor, man (that's the one that fucks you up most). Or, if you're feeling swanky, Thunderbird.
Me: Hrm... Perhaps I could diversify the clothing line by introducing MD and Thunderbird flavored garments?
My friend Max: Only if you want to cause a rash of vampire hobo goat* attacks.
*Also known as "chupacabra"
Me: Why would I not want to do that?
My friend Max: Because when you're using a chupacabra on a leash for hobo tracking, the last thing you want is to run across a couple of hipsters who may not yet have completely pissed off everyone in their lives.
Me: I'm not following your logic here. Remind me again why I wouldn't want El Chupacabra to slaughter hipsters?
My friend Max: Because, for some reason, hipsters may be missed. And there's a two per season limit on them.
Me: True.. if it weren't for hipsters, Starbucks and Borders would both face huge labor shortages.

20 minutes later...
Me: Everyone got really quiet. Are you all out killing hobos?
My friend Max: I mostly hunt at night. Mostly.
Me: Too easy. I like having to look for them as opposed to just going from park benches to overpasses.

A little later...
My friend Sam: I am busy being in a horriblly angry mood
Me: Stab a hobo and then swing him around over a large canvas. Then sell your artwork for tons of money.

Fuck the Yankees Rant

Fuck the Yankees. Fuck their 26 World Championships. Fuck the Yankee mystique. Fuck the movies about the Yankees. Fuck Babe Ruth, fuck Mickey Mantle, fuck Roger Maris, fuck Derek Jeter, fuck A-Rod, and fuck Jason Giambi and his gay porn star mustache. Fuck George Steinbrenner. Fuck Hank Steinbrenner. Fuck YES Network and that douchebag announcer that sounds like he smokes a carton of cigarettes a day. Fuck Jeffrey Maier (no, I will not get over it, thank you very much). Fuck Yankee Stadium. Fuck buying division titles. Fuck fielding the best team money can buy and still failing to win your division and then crying like a bitch about it. Fuck grossly overpaying third rate free agents, thus raping teams who don't have a large market or an owner with little regard for how much money he spends.

Fuck. The. Yankees.

Love,

A Baltimore Orioles fan.

Will Farrell Rant

The *only* thing that saved Anchorman from being the biggest steaming pile of fail this side of Fight Club was the guy who played the weatherman. Other than that, that movie was lame.

And I think I'd rather be sodomized with a broken bottle than watch Talladega Nights, thank you very much.

Will Ferrell sucks shit through a straw. He is the epitome of the phrase "No Talent Ass-Clown". He is the Paris Hilton of comedy - you look at him and go "Why is this guy here? Why do people care? Why doesn't he just shut the hell up and go away already?"

Yeah. I don't like him.

Fresh Prince of Tel-Aviv

To my friend Jay who was having trouble with a sales rep he works with from Israel)
Hrm. Know any Palestinian reps?

Later...
My friend Max: Saying something bad about Israel! Why are you an America hating traitor?!
Me: Because I got in one little fight and my mom got scared and said "You're moving with your auntie and uncle in Tel-Aviv" I whistled for a cab and when it came near the license plate said "Meshuggah" and had a dreidel in the mirror I thought if anything that the cabbie was rank but I said "Oy vey, yo goy to the West Bank" I pulled up to the settlement about 7 or 8 and I said to the cabbie "Look out for suicide bombers" I looked at God's Kingdom it was nothing but sand so I sat on my throne as the king of the Holy Land

Fresh Prince roll of Alan

It never gets old...

6:20 AM me: Hey man how come you're not shootin some b-ball outside of school?
6:20 AM Alan: lol! i was JUST headed out!
6:20 AM me: Oh I thought you were going to say that a couple of guys who are up to no good started making trouble in your neighborhood
6:20 AM me Have fun man
6:21 AM Alan: i hate you
6:21 AM me: I kjnow
6:21 AM Alan: thats jusy unfair
6:21 AM me: :-D
6:23 AM Alan: lol
6:23 AM Alan: bye
6:23 AM Alan: hope your day is god
6:23 AM Alan: um
6:23 AM Alan: GOOD
6:23 AM me: You too
6:23 AM Alan: you aint no BNudda jus yet
6:23 AM me: Just don't get in any fights
6:23 AM me: Your mom will get scared
6:24 AM me: She might even send you to live with your auntie and uncle in Bel-Air
6:25 AM Alan: GOD DDAMMIT
6:26 AM Alan: BYE!
6:26 AM me: Later man
6:26 AM me: Go whistle for a cab...

July Funnies (Part 2)

July 11, 2008

(About uncomfortable situations at work)

I think perhaps instead I'll just bring up something equally as uncomfortable and see where it goes from there.
"Yeah sucks about that. By the way, did I tell you about my divorce?"
"I heard. That's too bad. Hey, did I tell you my kid crapped out a turd the size of a beer can the other day?"
"Isn't that a shame? Hey, did I tell you I masturbated before work this morning?"

July 12, 2008

Do you currently have a mustache? This is important if you're going to become a cop.

July 14, 2008

In some countries, they're not nice enough to put you in jail. They'll just beat your ass and shoot you.

(About "Tuckerizing")

That's when Disney makes a giant flop of a movie about your life.

If you dream of me, then I am really, really sorry.

What happened was that I won the internets and banned the stupid for today. That's why there was dancing. Well, the stupid folks weren't dancing... They were crying. But the rest of us were doing the foxtrot in a river of stupid tears.

July 15, 2008

(To a friend who said he was drinking tea)

Pinko. Real Americans drink coffee straight from the oil pan of a Ford or Chevrolet. Go drink your tea, comrade.

My friend Max: Neil Patrick Harris, Nathan Fillon, and Felicia Day in a musical about a mad scientist with a blog? All put together by Joss Wheden?
Me: That is all you. Personally, I'd rather be hung from the ceiling and beaten like a pinata than watch that.

July 16, 2008

My friend Sarah: That was me yesterday. I was doing a lot of random math. Like working out EXACTLY how long it would take me to pay off the car I want.
Me: That's not exactly random though. Random math would be trying to figure out how much Antarctica weighs or when *Chinese Democracy* is going to come out...

My friend Sam: Hey American ladies, guess what? The department of health and human resources is trying to call contraception abortion!
Me: By that reasoning, did I commit abortion in the shower this morning?
My friend Sam: Every sperm is sacred. Every sperm is great. If a sperm is wasted...
Me: I commit genocide in the shower. lol

My friend Max: Yes. Because my dinner is probably going to be late and I'll have to listen to her bitch and stuff. GOD.
My friend Ellie (Max's wife): *narrows eyes*
Me: Max say: Res. Becrause my dinner probabry going to be rate and I'rr have to risten to her bitch and stuff. GOD!

July 17, 2008

Hrm. I never thought about the consequences of actually *firing* mah lazer. I know that it's pretty damn awesome when I'm chargin it, but I never thought about the aftermath of shoopin' da whoop.
I guess I've grown up a little today.

|b|e|e|r|
my anti-drug.

Token Problems

So part of my job is helping people out with problems with these. Unfortunately for me, not all of the college educated computer programmers I give these to are smart enough to know how to use them. See the e-mails below:

Hi Milk,

It seems my xxxxxx id has got deactivated and i am told by the help desk that the token has got out of synch and needs to be resynchronised.

I will appreciate if you can reactivate/resynchronised the token.

My xxxxxx id is xxxxxx and the Network id is xxxxxxx.

Token serial number is 31974140

Thanks and With Regards

Mind you, this is in response to this e-mail I had sent him back in February:

xxxxxxxxx,

I have activated your new token (serial number 000100514097). Please let me know if you have any further problems with it.

Best regards,

See what's wrong yet? Maybe this e-mail he sent a little later will shed light on this.

Hi Milk,

Let me check if i am using the old token by any chance.

Thanks for your help

D'ya think?! Don't forget to wear your hockey helmet on the bus ride home.

July Funnies (Part 1)

July 2, 2008

(When asked for a vegetarian recipe, I offered this:)

1 vegetarian
2 lbs garlic
9 onions
40 lbs potatoes

Chop, mix and sautee garlic and onions. Chop and mash potatoes. When garlic and onions are brown, mix in with potatoes. When mixture is consistent, stuff vegetarian and set in the oven at 375 F for 6 hours.

There's not much you can do with Mongolia as far as jokes. Barbecue, beef, and Khan are about it. It's not like Ulaan Bataar is an exceptionally humorous place, you know?

July 4, 2008

OH SHIT YOU GUYS TO CATCH A PREDATOR MARATHON ON MSNBC RIGHT NOW.
Nothing says "America - Fuck Yeah!" like Chris Hansen telling people to "Have a seat over there."

July 5, 2008

My friend Chris: Goddamn I'm bored. I really should do something with my life.
Me: Get a whole bunch of kittens and give them out to kids at a park. Without telling their parents.

July 7, 2008

You guys know I don't watch movies. I don't really keep up with them, and know very little about them in general, especially newer movies.
I decided for the ex-wife's birthday in May to get her a movie night, where I'd buy her a DVD and some microwaveable popcorn and some candy or something. Just something I could write my son's name on and hand it to her and forget
about.
I picked the movie "Sideways". I seriously had no idea it was about a guy going through a divorce who finds out his ex-wife is dating someone. I thought it was about wine.

July 8, 2008

(About elves and magical powers)

They can be anything you want because they're make-believe.

Hooray for documented evidence that people are f*cking retarded!

I was asked to write a FAQ for the website I'm designing. Upon hearing this assignment, I asked "What exactly do we do here?" in the meeting. A couple days later I had a nice FAQ written for me to cut and paste onto the site.

July 9, 2008

I had a pet rat once. It bit me, so I threw it out the window of my apartment. The next night there were like eleventy cats sitting outside my window looking up, probably hoping for more manna from heaven. I lived on the first floor, so it was a 6 foot drop at most. It's not like I lived on the 9th floor and ya know, dropped the equivalent of a living water balloon out the window.

I remember where I used to work, people asking when I was going to get married. Well, I got married, and they started asking when I was going to have a child. Well, I had a child, and they started asking when I was going to have another. Well, I got divorced. I showed them!

I'm so angry I could vomit.

(About people who claim to be Native Americans)

Howcome everyone's "totem animal" is a wolf or a bear or some shiat like that. Howcome no one ever goes "My totem animal is a pigeon." or "My totem animal is a cow."? And what's with people claiming to be Native American when they're like 1/256 Cherokee or something? Does that one part *really *give you some sort of magical powers, other than the ability to drink vodka like it's your job?

July 10, 2008

I didn't know there was a hierarchy. Is it like baseball, where you have like Rookie Leagues, Low A, High A, Double A, and Triple A before you get to the pros? Are there trades involved? Could a domanatrix wake up one morning and find herself traded to Milwaukee for cash and a blow-up doll to be named later? Do college domanatrices get to use aluminum paddles as opposed to wood?

(About my college library)

Oh, and the funny thing about the library is that all over the computer area are signs that say:

*WARNING*
*NO PORNOGRAPHY*
*WARNING*

Well what the hell else is there to do on the internet?

More Workplace Fun and Games

Dear Milk,

I am unable to login into XXXXXXX and create my PIN. The login page is not being displayed properly. i.e. Username and Passcode textboxes are not displayed. Please give me a solution for creating PIN.

To which I replied:

When you go to the XXXXXX homepage, click on the link entitled "Click here to enter the XXXXXXXX Application" - this will then prompt you to enter your username and password.
Best regards,

I thought long and hard about signing that "Best retards" and trying to play it off as a slip.

Then about a week later...

Ok you guys remember the guy I ranted about last week because he ignored all the e-mails and had his priveleges revoked?

He called again.

His new token came in and he couldn't log in with it. I tried everything I could as and administrator to get him in. I spent an hour on the phone with him and a system security lead, trying to walk him through the steps to get him up and running. Tried everything I could think of *twice* to get this guy into the system.

Finally after an hour of my time is flushed down the toilet, it works.

It turns out he was trying to log in using the wrong application.

July 1 Rant

BAWWWW I can't get access BAWWWWW help BAWWWWW what do I do BAWWWWWWW

I'm seriously about to snap on someone. Why the fuck do you wait until 2:30 on a Friday to tell me this shit and then act all surprised when it doesn't work right? Why the fuck can't anyone follow simple step by step directions? And what the fuck makes you think that I can just wave my hand and make shit start working right again? If I could do that, I wouldn't be stuck in my job - I'd be a goddamned millionaire and I wouldn't have to put up with bullshit all. day. long. from fucktards like you. Now kindly get the fuck out of my face and call the fucking help desk. Better yet, you are a trained IT professional - you went to college for this shit - why not try helping yourself out since you would think that you would know way more about this than the dumb redneck with a high school education? Try pulling your head out of your ass and trying to help yourself out of this jam that you created by losing your token (way to be responsible, shithead) and coming up with a better solution than BAWWWW halp BAWWWWWW

And then, as if it couldn't get any worse, she IM's me.

stupid (3:43:08 PM): Hi Milk
me (3:44:13 PM): Hello
stupid (3:44:35 PM): xxxxxx spoke to yo uregarding my xxxxx token
stupid (3:44:38 PM): xxxxxx
me (3:44:52 PM): Yes
stupid (3:44:59 PM): i called helpdesk
stupid (3:45:23 PM): they told that my sponsor can again reset my temp
password
stupid (3:45:38 PM): they told me the steps to do after getting the temp
password resetted
stupid (3:45:45 PM): can u plz reset my temp password again
me (3:45:49 PM): Ok I'll reset it again
stupid (3:45:56 PM): ok Thnx
stupid (3:50:13 PM): ok I will try with this
me (3:50:20 PM): Ok
***reset message***
stupid (3:59:52 PM): hi milk
stupid (3:59:55 PM): it dint wrk again
stupid (4:00:11 PM): and the helpdesk ppl are nt able to help me becoz I
couldnt answer the security qs
stupid (4:00:31 PM): help desk person is asking whether yo(my sponsor) can
join the call
stupid (4:00:51 PM): can u plz join the call now and help me in this?
me (4:01:10 PM): Sure thing call me xxx-xxx-xxxx
stupid (4:01:14 PM): okie sure
stupid (4:01:17 PM): I am calling you

I'm on the conference call now - the reason this woman can't log in is because she's logged into another application using a different user id. Oh and she's not following any of the directions me or the Help Desk guy are telling her.

Then later...

Oh it just gets better and better. The Help Desk guy suggested I log in as her using the temp password I set. Apparently, he too feels she's too stupid to do this on her own.

Thing is that I don't have a computer background. I came from Hospitality and Customer Service. My computer knowledge is limited to what I do on my PC at home and the minimal work experience I've gained in the past 2 years or so in some basic functionalities of some of the more basic systems. I'm not trained to really problem solve and fix technical issues - about all I can do is reset a password and hope that the user is smart enough to read the directions, comprehend them to some extent, and follow them.

I expect way too much I know.