tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4263801920503414382024-03-05T04:50:15.876-08:00The Filthy Mind of a Neat FreakThese profane rantings are all about how my life got flipped-turned upside down...Milkhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11490583694291336943noreply@blogger.comBlogger48125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-426380192050341438.post-16839595757317512002009-01-20T12:00:00.000-08:002009-01-24T09:17:47.469-08:00January 2009 Funnies (Part 2)January 8, 2009<br /><br /><blockquote>Some things you don't ever tell your girlfriend/fiancee/wife. This includes:<br /><br /> - Which of your former partners were better sexually than she is<br /> - What you did during your bachelor party<br /> - About naked photos you've sent to other people </blockquote><br />(About a partner's past history)<br /><blockquote>Do yourself a favor. Sit her down and tell her that just as there are things that you are probably better off not knowing about her, there are certain things about you that she probably doesn't need to know every single gory detail about. Tell her that you love her and trust her and know she feels the same way toward you, and that even if she slept with the <a href="http://www.harlemglobetrotters.com/" target="_blank">Harlem Globetrotters</a> <i>and</i> <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Washington_Generals" target="_blank">Washington Generals</a> you'll still love her just the same. </blockquote><br /><blockquote>My ex-wife would always tell me about stuff she did with ex-boyfriends and I'd be like "You know, I really don't want to know this. Even though I know you weren't as pure as the driven snow when I met you, I still don't need to be reminded of all the road salt you carry with you."<br />I think if I ever get married again, I'll be a little less direct with the similies and metaphors. :-\</blockquote><br /><blockquote>Is it bad that all I've ever had was white girls? It just kinda worked out that all I've ever slept with are white. Definitely looking to expand my horizons though, so to speak. My penis is colorblind.</blockquote> <br /><blockquote>When in doubt, shut your mouth.</blockquote><br /><blockquote>It took a few seconds to say "I do." It took over a year and a good chunk of money to say "I don't." </blockquote><br /><br />January 9, 2009<br /><br /><blockquote>This guy I work with just moved out of his office on a six-month assignment a few weeks ago. Today an envelope came to his old office, and I somehow wound up with it. Why am I telling you this? Because imagine having the following IM conversation with someone who looks like <a href="http://images.google.com/images?um=1&hl=en&safe=off&q=George+Bluth&btnG=Search+Images" target="_blank">George Bluth</a>.<br /><br />Me (2:47:44 PM): I have a package that came for you today<br />George Bluth (2:47:50 PM): thanks<br />Me (2:48:03 PM): No problem - I'll send it to your new address<br />George Bluth (2:48:28 PM): is it cash?<br />Me (2:48:52 PM): If it is, you should retire sooner rather than later. It's<br />pretty heavy for a manila envelope.<br />Me (2:48:57 PM): :-D<br />George Bluth (2:58:44 PM): could be my <a href="http://www.viagra.com/" target="_blank">viagra</a> shipment<br />Me (2:58:58 PM): lol </blockquote><br /><br />January 12, 2009<br /><br />(About <a href="http://www.hooters.com/" target="_blank">Hooters</a> restaurant)<br /><blockquote>I went once because I was at the <a href="http://www.daytona24hr.com/" target="_blank">24 Hours of Daytona</a> race and it got cold, so I left. As soon as I left I had to pee, so I went across the street to Hooters and waited for my mom to come pick me up. Oh, and I peed too.</blockquote> <br /><br />January 13, 2009<br /><br /><blockquote>My friend <a href="http://biscuitsandgrieving.blogspot.com/" target="_blank">Ellie</a>: Oh....my.....God.<br />Bear in mind this guy is my absolute worst dictator. Worst. And uh, yeah, this sentence will definitely need to be recast.<br />"He says over the weekend he was sick with diarrhea, and he could not cough it up, and he was wheezing."<br />*shudder* <br />Me: I always try coughing and wheezing my diarrhea first, but it usually winds up just shooting out of my ass.</blockquote> <br />(About Joe the Plumber's "<a href="http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2009/01/07/national/main4704218.shtml?source=RSSattr=Politics_4704218" target="_blank">wartime correspondence</a>")<br /><blockquote>See and I'm still trying to figure out how an attention whoring construction worker is given the same credibility as <a href="http://www.pbs.org/wnet/americanmasters/episodes/edward-r-murrow/this-reporter/513/" target="_blank">Edward R. Murrow</a>. That'd be like giving my dumb ass an hour news show on <a href="http://www.cnn.com/" target="_blank">CNN</a> - it'd be like 5 minutes of me spouting off about how I feel about a certain issue and then 55 minutes of jokes about boobs and poop. It sure as hell wouldn't put me on par with <a href="http://ac360.blogs.cnn.com/" target="_blank">Anderson Cooper</a> or <a href="http://www.cnn.com/CNN/anchors_reporters/amanpour.christiane.html" target="_blank">Christiane Amanpour</a>. </blockquote><br /><br />January 14, 2009<br /><br /><blockquote>I always count on others to drive like morons because most of them <i>are</i> morons.</blockquote> <br />(About the death of <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ricardo_Montalb%C3%A1n" target="_blank">Ricardo Montalban</a>)<br /><blockquote>If I remember right, his <a href="http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0001544/" target="_blank">film credentials</a> were pretty impressive, however I'm sure he'll be remembered most for those three simple words.<br /><a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vIL3fbGbU2o" target="_blank">Rich. Corinthian. Leather.</a> </blockquote><br /><br />January 15, 2009<br /><br /><blockquote>Eugene: AAAAAHHHHH<br />It's a catastrophe<br />No sugar for the coffee<br />T____T<br />What the hell is this <a href="http://www.infoplease.com/ipa/A0107979.html" target="_blank">Somalia</a> and we can't have sugar for our coffee because<br />of a collapsed government and marauding bands of pirates?<br />FFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUU-<br />I WILL NOT STAND FOR THIS<br />I AM A MAN AND WIILL NOT BE SUBJECTED TO SUCH INHUMANE CONDITIONS<br /><a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CYl9nNIoz8o" target="_blank">ATTICA! ATTICA! ATTICA!</a> </blockquote><br />(To my friend Dena, who was offered a permanent position where she works)<br /><blockquote>When you go perm, you should get a perm. And perhaps wear wooly leggings and Keds.</blockquote><br /><blockquote>My friend Jay: I may have to go find <a href="http://images.google.com/images?gbv=2&um=1&hl=en&safe=off&q=natalie+portman&btnG=Search+Images" target="_blank">Natalie Portman</a> and kiss her for the first time. Or at least rent <a href="http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0333766/" target="_blank">Garden State</a> and watch Zach Braff do it. <br />Me: Is it too late for me to volunteer to make out with Natalie Portman?</blockquote> <br /><blockquote>I've got homemade turkey soup. But it's at home. Where I made it.</blockquote><br /><blockquote>My friend <a href="http://biscuitsandgrieving.blogspot.com/" target="_blank">Ellie</a>: lol, under "Recommendations" on a report where a particular bacterial infection is suspected but cultures have not come back yet:<br />"The patient will be put on <a href="http://www.drugs.com/diflucan.html" target="_blank">Diflucan</a>, and if her symptoms abate, that would be terrific."<br />Now that's science! <br />My friend Dena: It's the <a href="http://www.fox.com/house/" target="_blank">House</a> method of treatment! <br />Me: No, that would be to call the patient an idiot, <a href="http://images.google.com/images?gbv=2&um=1&hl=en&safe=off&q=it%27s+not+lupus&btnG=Search+Images" target="_blank">rule out lupus</a>, and wind up saving their lives by almost killing them. Oh yeah, and lots of <a href="http://www.drugs.com/vicodin.html" target="_blank">Vicodin</a>. For you, not the patient.</blockquote> <br />(About the difference between guys getting and women getting the equivalent of blue balls)<br /><blockquote>Me: Sitting in soaked panties is far different than feeling like your balls are in a vise. <br />Me: Here's hoping that none of us experience blue balls or uhh violet vagina? <br />My friend Bob: That sounds like more of a gynohorticultural problem. <br />Me: I GUESS THAT'S WHY THEY CALL IT A FLOWER XD </blockquote><br /><br />January 18, 2009<br /><br /><blockquote>OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST HAD A POTENTIALLY REVOLUTIONARY IDEA<br /><br />I want to make chili with ground up bacon instead of beef. Great idea or greatest idea in the history of mankind? <br />I'm thinking it will be the epicest epic that ever epiced.</blockquote> <br /><br />January 20, 2009<br /><br /><blockquote>My friend <a href="http://biscuitsandgrieving.blogspot.com/" target="_blank">Ellie</a>: Okay, Texas is behind the times. There are just way too many people using cocaine. Don't they know the 80's are over? <br />Me: I wonder what it looks like when you wear chaps over a pair of parachute pants...</blockquote><br /><blockquote>I'm shocked that not once during all of the inaugural festivities did I hear a stirring rendition of <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EwTZ2xpQwpA" target="_blank">Chocolate Rain</a>. I mean, an epic dirge against the societal ills of racism has no place during the swearing in of our first <a href="http://www.whitehouse.gov/" target="_blank">African-American President</a>? </blockquote><br />(About my friend Dena's co-worker)<br /><blockquote>I don't know if the woman is crazy. I think she's just lonely and probably has nothing else going on in her otherwise unremarkable and insignificant life worth anything, so in order to make herself feel something resembling useful she feels the need to constantly belittle other people when they infringe on some sort of "territory" that she has staked out for herself. Perhaps a subtle reminder to her every so often that she will most likely die alone and unnoticed might get her to stop being such a bitch? <br />I know as fucked up as I am, there are people out there who are a.) more fucked up and b.) less adept at masking their damage. Those who fit both criteria deserve pity or scorn, depending upon whether or not I'm feeling like an arrogant dick. Today, I'm feeling like an arrogant dick. </blockquote>Milkhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11490583694291336943noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-426380192050341438.post-27092398453987974192009-01-16T12:00:00.000-08:002009-01-22T20:04:18.017-08:00Ex-wife Rant<blockquote>Allow me to rant for a minute please...<br /><br />Can someone explain to me how the fuck you lose your child's birth certificate? Can someone explain to me how you don't notice it's missing until the day your ex-husband is going to register the child for school? I can see misplacing the water bill or the directions for the tv remote, but a fucking birth certificate for your own fucking child? How the fuck do you go about doing that? Seriously? I mean it was one thing when you lost the title to your car - that's yours and you're kind of allowed to do with it as you please, but a fucking birth certificate? I'm sure I sound like <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qwq7BYOnDrM" target="_blank">Jim Mora going "Playoffs?"</a> but really? A birth certificate?<br /><br />I'd never say my ex-wife is useless, but right now I can't think of a single useful thing that she does. Fucking idiot. </blockquote><br /><br />Later, I said:<br /><br /><blockquote>I'll admit that I lost my birth certificate. But this was after several moves (one being a move of about 1000 miles) and I was oh, 24 or so. And it was mine to lose. </blockquote>Milkhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11490583694291336943noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-426380192050341438.post-54414472457154358112009-01-12T12:00:00.000-08:002009-01-21T17:29:27.739-08:00Star Wars CarpetingWe had a large discussion about floorcoverings in the <i>Star Wars</i> movies that kind of took on its own life...<br /><br /><blockquote>My friend Ellie: But have you noticed? There *are* no fabric floor coverings in the Star Wars galaxy.<br />Weird, huh? <br />Me: Not true. Check Palpatine's <a href="http://www.redcultur.com/silkypixel/wp-content/uploads/2008/02/simon-right-copy.jpg" target="_blank">office/home/home office thingamabob</a>. Pretty sure there's carpeting there. <br />Oh, and Anakin and Padme's love nest/apartment thingamabob too. <br />My friend Ellie: Putting the words "Palpatine" and "home office" together makes funny stuff in my mind. I'm picturing him with a little coffee mug, going through an <a href="http://www.ikea.com/" target="_blank">Ikea</a> catalog. <br />Me: Just because he's the evil overlord of an entire galaxy doesn't mean the guy shops at the <a href="http://www.potterybarn.com/" target="_blank">Pottery Barn</a><br />My friend Matt: Yeah, I peg him more for <a href="http://www.crateandbarrel.com/" target="_blank">Crate and Barrel</a> . . . <br />Me: True. He could afford the over-priced tackiness of C&B I suppose. <br />Me: Or you know, he could always threaten to electrocute the ever-loving shit out of the clerk.<br /><br />Palpatine: "I want this $90 tea set for free."<br />Dalton, the over-enthusiastic C&B register jockey: "I'll have to check with my floor manager."<br />Palpatine: "And now, you <i>will</i> die." <br />My friend Max: Are you guys kidding me? She nailed it in the first try. The furniture is all Ikea and the deadly bottomless shafts and art is all from <a href="http://sharperimage.com/" target="_blank">Sharper Image</a>. <br />My friend Dena: I just did a <a href="http://starwars.wikia.com/wiki/Carpet" target="_blank">google search for star wars carpet</a>. <br />Me: How much of that came back as poorly drawn hentai?</blockquote>Milkhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11490583694291336943noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-426380192050341438.post-46014160222556198332009-01-07T12:00:00.000-08:002009-01-24T09:18:15.497-08:00January 2009 Funnies (Part 1)January 2, 2009<br /><br />(About not having a PS3)<br /><blockquote>Yeah I'm behind the times. I guess I'll just sit here and watch <a href="http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0088172/" target="_blank">Starman</a> on <a href="http://www.mediacollege.com/video/format/compare/betamax-vhs.html" target="_blank">Betamax</a>. </blockquote><br /><br />January 5, 2009<br /><br /><blockquote>The only thing funnier than a soccer riot is soccer.</blockquote> <br /><br />January 6, 2009<br /><br /><blockquote>You're only as old as your kids make you feel.</blockquote> <br />(About a friend's new co-worker, whose name is "Binky Huang")<br /><blockquote>I like the way it just rolls off of the tongue.<br /><br />Binky Huang<br /><br />Say it three times fast, kinda like <a href="http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0094721/" target="_blank">Beetlejuice</a><br /><br />BinkyHuangBinkyHuangBinkyHuang<br /><br />brb azn </blockquote><br />(About <a href="http://images.google.com/images?hl=en&q=Eleanor+Roosevelt&btnG=Search+Images&gbv=2" target="_blank">Eleanor Roosevelt</a>)<br /><blockquote>Holy shit - that looks like <a href="http://images.google.com/images?gbv=2&hl=en&q=Gilbert+Gottfried&btnG=Search+Images" target="_blank">Gilbert Gottfried</a>.</blockquote><br /><blockquote><a href="http://www.atmospheric-violence.com/mays/" target="_blank">Billy Mays</a> should reinvent himself as a foul-mouthed shock comic. Serious.</blockquote> <br /><br />January 7, 2009<br /><br /><blockquote>Know what made me feel better this morning? Driving to work with <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L8ZTTsiJupo" target="_blank">The Imperial March</a> playing at a high volume. I tell you, if I could use telekinesis to choke the life out of people, I would demand that be played wherever I go. <br />There must be some sort of switch in my brain that triggers a neurochemical reaction whenever I hear that song. It's like I can feel my pupils dilating and my testosterone levels shooting through the roof while wave after wave of "I WILL FUCK YOUR SHIT UP" comes over me like a torrential flood. </blockquote><br /><blockquote>Ok I just went into the bathroom and some guy was in there using his Bluetooth headset to take a call. Really dude? Were you <i>trying</i> to get your co-workers to listen to me taking a leak?<br />He's lucky he wasn't in there about half an hour earlier when I saw this guy running into the bathroom at full speed and then a few seconds later I heard a sound that can only be described as a cross between a really wet fart and someone dropping a tire into a toilet. <i>That</i> would have made quite an impression on his colleagues I'm sure. <br />I just don't understand people at all. I thought we all had this little part of our brains that told us things like "Walking into a men's room while talking on the phone is just a *bad idea*. I guess not. </blockquote><br /><blockquote>Me: Wow I just met the two guys from <a href="https://www.cia.gov/library/publications/the-world-factbook/geos/in.html" target="_blank">India</a> whose trip I helped arrange. Super nice guys and they gave me an ornate box with a little porcelain statue of <a href="http://images.google.com/images?gbv=2&hl=en&safe=off&q=Ganesh&um=1&ie=UTF-8&sa=X&oi=image_result_group&resnum=1&ct=title" target="_blank">Ganesh</a>. I feel bad because what can I give them that's representative of <a href="http://images.google.com/images?gbv=2&um=1&hl=en&safe=off&q=Delaware&btnG=Search+Images" target="_blank"> Delaware</a>? <a href="http://www.deldot.gov/" target="_blank">A traffic cone</a>? <br />My friend Chris: Hmmm, is there anything that Delaware is famous for? I certainly can't think of anything. <br />Me: <a href="http://delaware-travel.suite101.com/article.cfm/tax_free_shopping_in_delaware" target="_blank">Tax-free shopping</a>? <a href="http://www.doverspeedway.com/" target="_blank">NASCAR in Dover</a>? Being a suburb of <a href="http://www.phila.gov/" target="_blank">Philadelphia</a>? If these guys weren't vegetarians, I'd get them each a brick of lowfat cream cheese because Delaware <i>is</i> <a href="http://www.philadelphia.info/entry/index.html" target="_blank">Philly Lite</a>. </blockquote><br />(About <a href="http://www.met-art.com/" target="_blank">Met-Art porn</a>)<br /><blockquote>I came, I saw, I came again.<br /><br />These pics are why a poor Eastern Europe is a good idea.</blockquote>Milkhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11490583694291336943noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-426380192050341438.post-61390542320934027532009-01-06T12:00:00.001-08:002009-01-06T20:42:21.846-08:00BILLY MAYS (PART DEUX - THAT'S FRENCH FOR TWO)<blockquote><span style="font-weight:bold;">HI FOLKS BILLY MAYS HERE AND I HAVE A REVOLUTIONARY NEW PRODUCT TO TELL YOU ABOUT - IT'S FUCKING RON MOTHERFUCKING PAUL! THAT'S RIGHT YOU SHIT-EATING HAMSTER-FUCKER, RON MOTHERFUCKING PAUL IS NEW BECAUSE WHAT'S OLD IS NEW, WHAT'S NEW IS OLD, AND FUCK YOUR MOTHER THAT'S WHY. FUCK YEAH RON PAUL, YOU FESTERING POT OF HIPPOPOTAMUS DIARRHEA. YOU KNOW YOU FUCKING WANT TO JACK THE FUCK OFF WHEN YOU SEE RON PAUL FOR PRESIDENT" SIGNS POSTED ALONG THE HIGHWAYS EVEN THOUGH THE ELECTION HAS BEEN OVER FOR ALMOST 3 FUCKING MONTHS. THAT'S RIGHT - THREE MOTHERFUCKING MONTHS YOU SON OF A UKRANIAN PROSTITUTE! CALL RIGHT THE FUCK NOW, AND WE'LL DOUBLE YOUR ORDER - THAT'S RIGHT DOUBLE YOUR GOD DAMNED ORDER FOR YOU AND YOUR WART INFESTED GAPING ANUS! HERE'S HOW TO ORDER!</span></blockquote>Milkhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11490583694291336943noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-426380192050341438.post-79456893515821165462008-12-31T12:00:00.000-08:002009-01-06T20:19:13.892-08:00December Funnies (Part 3)December 26, 2008<br /><br /><blockquote>My friend Sam: Happy boxing day.<br />Me: A day to celebrate <a href="http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/authors/m/mike_tyson.html" target="_blank">Mike Tyson</a>? AWESOME!<br /><br />I'm going to talk all high pitched today and maybe get a tattoo on my face later! </blockquote><br /><br /><blockquote>About the band in Jabba's Palace in <i><a href="http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0086190/" target="_blank">Return of the Jedi</a></i>:<br />The group are classified as <i><a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Max_Rebo_Band" target="_blank">jizz-wailers</a></i>, which, according to the <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Star_Wars_Encyclopedia" target="_blank">Star Wars Encyclopedia </a>, refers to a "musician who plays a fast, contemporary, and upbeat style of music."<br /><br />I jizz-wailed a little bit ago, but it had nothing to do with <i>Star Wars</i> or music.</blockquote> <br /><br />December 29, 2008<br /><br /><blockquote>The <a href="http://www.clevelandbrowns.com/" target="_blank">Browns</a> were named after <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Paul_Brown" target="_blank">Paul Brown</a>. Then they moved to <a href="http://www.ci.baltimore.md.us/" target="_blank">Baltimore</a> to become the <a href="http://www.baltimoreravens.com/" target="_blank">Ravens</a> and actually win. Then the NFL started a new team in <a href="http://www.city.cleveland.oh.us/CityofCleveland/Home">Cleveland</a> to continue on with the Browns tradition of playing like absolute ass.<br /><br />The <a href="http://www.buffalobills.com/" target="_blank">Buffalo Bills</a> were named after <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Buffalo_Bill/" target="_blank">Buffalo Bill</a> who contrary to popular belief, did not die of kidney failure. He instead died of choking on man-meat courtesy of some <a href="http://www.giants.com/" target="_blank">Giant(s)</a> <a href="http://www.redskins.com/gen/index.jsp" target="_blank">Redskins</a> and <a href="http://www.dallascowboys.com/" target="_blank">Cowboys</a>. </blockquote><br /><br />December 30, 2009<br /><br /><blockquote>They should make tard roads specifically for the SpEds to drive on. They could put up giant plastic bumpers along the side of the road like when they take the tards bowling, and could even make the cars that drive on the tard roads sort of a cross between go-karts and bumper cars.<br /><br />And of course everyone on the tard road will need to wear their hockey helmets. </blockquote><br /><blockquote>My friend Ellie: Yay, I can make fun of the doctor instead of Speech Rec! From a labor and delivery admission report:<br />"She did have a previous vaginal delivery in 2006, a 2-year-old that weighed 8 pounds 5 ounces and was healthy and active."<br />She delivered a two-year-old? I'll BET he was active! <br />Me: If she waited 2 years to deliver, I'll bet you could fit a tuba into her vagina.</blockquote> <br /><blockquote>Bloody lol?<br /><br />I just imagined <a href="http://muppet.wikia.com/wiki/Count_von_Count" target="_blank">Count von Count</a> going "AH AH AH AH" with blood all over the place like some <a href="http://www.cannibalcorpse.net/" target="_blank">Cannibal Corpse</a> album cover. It was pretty awesome.</blockquote><br /><blockquote>When your parents are a hardcore atheist and a Buddhist, a Seventh-Day Adventist church-run daycare isn't the place for you.</blockquote> <br /><blockquote>I've never had the pleasure of flying over <a href="http://www.ohio.gov/" target="_blank">Ohio</a> - I've always had the misfortune of driving through it. :-(</blockquote>Milkhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11490583694291336943noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-426380192050341438.post-26792779340465332392008-12-30T12:00:00.001-08:002009-01-06T20:25:47.717-08:00Driving in Pennsylvania RantHave I ever told you guys how awful driving in <a href="http://dsf.chesco.org/chesco/site/default.asp" target="_blank">rural Pennsylvania</a> is? Imagine this - as soon as you leave your state with fairly nice roads, you're magically transported to the transportation anus of the world. Imagine roads like you'd see in <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Somalia" target="_blank">Somalia</a> - roads that haven't been repaved or taken care of in years. There are no shoulders on the roads - usually just steep embankments about half as high as your car or higher just inches off of the side of the road. Everyone drives either 30 mph over or 30 mph under the speed limit, so you'll be hauling ass along what appears to be a similar track to <a href="http://disneyworld.disney.go.com/wdw/parks/attractionDetail?id=SpaceMountainAttractionPage" target="_blank">Space Mountain</a> to keep yourself from being run the fuck over by a semi truck only to have to jam on your brakes to avoid ass-ending some jackoff going 15 down a state road. Good luck trying to find anything because apparently <a href="http://www.dot.state.pa.us/" target="_blank">PennDOT</a> is too god damned cheap to pay for street signs, so you're forced to rely on directions like "Go past the building that looks like it was bombed and then make a left at the traffic sticks. Then make a right at the fourth cornfield - that's the one with the cow with three legs."<br /><br />tl;dr - Fuck PennDOT and fuck driving in PA<br /><br /><i>And a little later</i><br /><br />Most people fail to realize that just because you don't wreck your car and annihilate half a county on the way to the <a href="http://www.acmemarkets.com/" target="_blank">Acme</a> doesn't mean you're a good driver. It means you didn't kill anyone this time.Milkhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11490583694291336943noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-426380192050341438.post-80464642495470668772008-12-30T12:00:00.000-08:002009-01-06T20:20:06.808-08:00Rant About a Persistant Hardware Sales CompanyDear Company Representative,<br /><br />Please stop calling me, IM'ing me, e-mailing me, or otherwise trying to contact me in any way shape or form every five minutes regarding the purchase order I put in less than an hour ago. Yes, I realize that it's for a lot of money - that's part of why it took so long for it to get entered, because no one wants to be the guy that fucked up a job of that size, especially me. Yes, I also understand that this is on a deadline, however please realize that as soon as I had all necessary information I sent it off to the appropriate person. No, it probably hasn't been looked at yet, and there's nothing I can do about it. The only person that can do anything with this is the VP, and he's skiing in Vail. I value my job too much to try and bother him while he's on the slopes, so kindly fuck off and leave me the fuck alone before I punch you right in the dick, hopefully ensuring someone as annoying as you can't possibly procreate.<br /><br />Eat shit asshole,<br /><br />Me<br /><br />(p.s. while I was typing this, the dickhead IM'ed me again.)Milkhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11490583694291336943noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-426380192050341438.post-40398540914623890352008-12-25T15:53:00.000-08:002009-01-06T19:19:23.300-08:00December Funnies (Part 2)December 11, 2008<br /><br />(About the show <a href="http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1182156/" target="_blank"><i>Parking Wars</i></a>)<br /><blockquote>It's a show on A&E where they follow people who work at the <a href="http://www.philapark.org/home.aspx" target="_blank">Philadelphia Parking Authority</a> doing various jobs - ticketing cars, booting cars, working at the impound lot. I love it. They had some guy last night who was yelling at the booters not to boot his daughters car, even after they told him they weren't going to boot it and that she needed to call the DMV to get things straightened out. At one point he made a move at the cameraman like he was going to hit him, and all I could think is "Holy shit, that is one giant pissed off retard." <br />The PPA isn't exactly known for being friendly, so it's kinda odd seeing them as people doing their jobs instead of marauding pirates that rob the general population.</blockquote><br /><br />December 12, 2008<br /><br />(About looking for the movies <a href="http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0960890/" target="_blank"><i>Zombie Strippers</i></a> and <a href="http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1031254/" target="_blank"><i>Lost Boys: The Tribe</i></a>)<br /><br /><blockquote>Two things I'll have to look for on <a href="http://thepiratebay.org/" target="_blank">Pirate Bay</a>. :-)<br />Actually three things if you include <i>swap 2 - Electric Puke and Poo</i></blockquote> <br /><br /><blockquote>My friend Dena: I dunno...it could have turned out like one of those bad SciFi movies where everyone in it thinks they're all doing something oscar-worthy.<br />Me: I thought you liked <i>Star Trek</i><br />My friend Dena: Not particularly :) Where in the world would you get the idea that I did? <br />Me: I dunno. I just kind of assumed. Which made an ass out of you and me. But then again I'm always an ass, so now you're like me.<br /><br />HAHA ENJOY YOUR LONLIENESS DENA </blockquote><br /><br />December 16, 2008<br /><br /><blockquote>My friend Ellie: Yeah. I'm just ranting. I hear it's en vogue. :) <br />Me: Ranting is <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/En_Vogue" target="_blank">a mildly successful mid-90's R&B girl group</a>? </blockquote><br /><br />(About a Romanian blood transfusion patient)<br /><blockquote>I just got an image of Count Dracula with one of those baseball hats with the dual straw thingies and 2 pints of blood strapped to the top. </blockquote><br /><br />December 22, 2008<br /><br /><blockquote>Mold. It's good for your spores.</blockquote><br /><blockquote>This is why putting "regular Joe American" in power is a bad idea.<br /><br />Because regular Joe American is a fucking moron.</blockquote> <br /><blockquote>I just got back from a work party. It was ok, except my co-workers were there.</blockquote><br /><br />December 23, 2008<br /><br />(About chihuahuas)<br /><blockquote>There is nothing ok about a breed of dog that it's sole purposes in life are to:<br /><br />a.) constantly make yipping sounds<br />b.) piss all over everything<br />3.) shake like a crackhead </blockquote><br /><blockquote>Yeah it's great being interested in a girl only to hear her talk about going to Disney with her husband and kids, or about how supportive her boyfriend is, or how she'd date you if you didn't have kids. Why sometimes I have to pinch myself just so I don't think I'm dreaming. </blockquote><br /><blockquote>This makes my pee pee sad. </blockquote>Milkhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11490583694291336943noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-426380192050341438.post-69412120182806270792008-12-25T11:48:00.000-08:002008-12-25T12:12:17.728-08:00You Can Get ANYTHING At Amazon12:48 PM me: OH MY GOD<br />12:49 PM me: If you look up "slaves" on <a href="http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_ss_gw?url=search-alias%3Daps&field-keywords=slaves&x=0&y=0" target="_blank">amazon</a>, there are 68 listings under "Home Improvement"<br />12:49 PM me: So wrong...<br /><br />Then later on...<br /><br />I think for fun, I'm going to start a prank wishlist. The items will be:<br /><br />a ski mask<br />duct tape<br />a gun<br />ammunition<br />rope<br />a giant sack<br />a book on "How to rob a bank"Milkhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11490583694291336943noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-426380192050341438.post-13818240259379212672008-12-25T11:37:00.000-08:002008-12-25T12:12:04.095-08:00Alan and Me Vol. 3I tried to come up with some sort of preface for this, but I just can't.<br /><br />10:51 AM me: I'm so glad I'm working from home<br />10:51 AM me: I think I just threw up out of my butt<br />10:51 AM me: It was like I was hiding a gallon of chocolate milk<br />11:09 AM Alan: yesterday i buttpuked such a large turd i sang an ode to it called <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EwTZ2xpQwpA" target="_blank">Chocolate Brain</a><br />11:10 AM me: lol<br />11:10 AM me: Dude this was seriously gnarly<br />11:10 AM me: I had to sprint back to the bathroom because i thought I was done, but I wasn't<br />11:10 AM me: Seriously, I don't remember drinking a gallon of coffee yesterdayMilkhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11490583694291336943noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-426380192050341438.post-9268493369006837542008-12-15T11:00:00.000-08:002008-12-15T12:35:26.499-08:00Conversation with MM is a good friend of mine. <a href="http://www.encyclopediadramatica.com/Doesn%27t_afraid_of_anything">hSe gets hit on by creeps and doesn't afraid of anything..</a>.<br /><br />12:03 PM M: zomg<br />12:03 PM M: friend sent me $350<br />12:04 PM me: nice!<br />12:05 PM M: yeah<br />12:05 PM M: it's a <a href="http://www.fark.com">farker</a><br />12:05 PM M: :\<br />12:06 PM me: hehe why doesn't that surprise me?<br />12:07 PM me: Get him to send me some $ too<br />12:07 PM M: :(<br />12:07 PM M: he wants me to move out to california<br />12:08 PM H: says he has a plane ticket for me whenever I want it<br />12:08 PM M: I didn't believe him, so he sent me $350 to prove he was serious<br />12:08 PM me: That's kinda creepy<br /><br />Later on<br /><br />12:29 PM M: :( the green shoes are the only ones left :(<br />12:29 PM M: <a href="http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&ssPageName=STRK:MEWAX:IT&item=220327245123">http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&ssPageName=STRK:MEWAX:IT&item=220327245123</a><br />12:29 PM M: sfw<br />12:29 PM me: Maybe your friend bought the other pairs and has them waiting for you in his basement.<br />12:29 PM M: you're a bastard<br />12:29 PM M: I <3 youMilkhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11490583694291336943noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-426380192050341438.post-10086497627494484582008-12-10T17:31:00.000-08:002008-12-12T21:18:11.237-08:00Alan and MeMy friend Alan and I have interesting conversations. At least they're interesting to me. And possibly to him, too.<br /><br />Mind you, these are usually while I'm at work.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">December 10, 2008</span><br /><br /><blockquote>12:46 PM me: I can't wait to go home<br />12:47 PM I haven't had internet at home since Friday and I got it turned back on today.<br />FIVE WHOLE DAYS OF PRON DIDN'T GET DOWNLOADED<br />I'll never catch up<br />T____T</blockquote><br /><br /><blockquote>1:24 PM me: I need one of those 800 Gig external Hard drives<br />1:27 PM Who knew there were so many naked women on the internet?<br />Alan: well to be fair , 40% of all nudes are jenna jameson<br />1:28 PM me: another 5% are copies of tubgirl</blockquote><br /><br /><blockquote>4:10 PM me: I wonder if fleas ever have fleasomes.</blockquote><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">December 9, 2008</span><br /><br /><blockquote>8:32 AM Alan: Fran Drescher is going to run for the Senate. :-/<br />8:34 AM me: She could run for Majority Whip.<br />IN MY PANTS<br />8:41 AM me: Ok I'm not really sure what that meant, but whatever.<br />8:42 AM Alan: lol<br />hold on im making euphemisisms for people who like to have sex with plants<br />8:43 AM me: Makin Terri Schiavo groan<br />Alan: LOLOL</blockquote><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">December 5, 2008</span><br /><br /><blockquote>10:46 AM Alan: reading an article about a dude who fapped to death<br />me: wat<br />11:23 AM me: I suppose you think that story is funny.<br />THAT COULD BE ME<br />:-(<br />11:30 AM Alan: :-/<br />n dude i always laugh with you<br />really<br />me: lol<br />Does that story mean I attempted suicide this morning?</blockquote><br /><br />Damn, we've been bland thus far. Usually it's all about anatomically correct dinosaurs and jokes about retarded kids shitting themselves.Milkhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11490583694291336943noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-426380192050341438.post-19677626373667357572008-12-10T15:38:00.000-08:002008-12-25T16:15:57.370-08:00December Funnies (Part 1)December 1, 2008<br /><br /><blockquote>I got an e-mail from the director of one of the organizations here that said "pls help" twice earlier. I wasn't sure on the directions, and it took almost all of my willpower to not respond simply<br />wat</blockquote><br /><blockquote>This Christmas, I'm going to give the clap. It's the gift that keeps on dripping.</blockquote> <br /><br />December 2, 2008<br /><br /><blockquote><a href="www.in-n-out.com/" target="_blank">In-N-Out</a> tastes like it's been in-n-out of someone's ass.</blockquote><br /><br />December 3, 2008<br /><br />(About astronaut ice-cream)<br /><blockquote>I wonder since it's dehydrated - if you ate enough of it if you would poop pink, white, and brown dust?</blockquote><br /><blockquote>I dunno what a <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gelfling#Gelflings" target="_blank">Gelfling</a> is, but I'll bet if you fed it the right things it would look like a tractor trailer slammed on the brakes in the Gelfling's underpants.</blockquote> <br /><br />December 10, 2008<br /><br /><blockquote>Some of the world's greatest minds have been called crazy. Then again, they call the guy at the 7-Eleven that smells like pee and talks to the light pole crazy too... </blockquote><br /><blockquote>I know why they tell you not to drink and drive - because when you throw up on yourself while driving, you still have to finish driving home in your own puke.</blockquote><br /><blockquote><a href="http://www.livejournal.com/" target="_blank">LiveJournal</a> is for 15 year old Russian emo kids.</blockquote><br /><blockquote>Know what's awesome? Putting a <a href="http://www.amazon.com/Advanced-TASER%C2%AE-Yellow-TASER-Cartridges/dp/B000OTJERC/ref=pd_bbs_sr_6?ie=UTF8&s=hi&qid=1230250379&sr=8-6" target="_blank">Taser on your Amazon wishlist</a>. <br />Know what's awesome-r? Getting someone to buy you the Taser on your Amazon wishlist.</blockquote> <br /><blockquote>I'm Matt from New Jersey and I lost 6 pounds when my head exploded like JFK while I was on Hydroxycut!</blockquote><br /><blockquote>I guess I've got big balls, just like Bon Scott. Hopefully I can use the powers granted to me by my massive testicles to avoid choking to death on my own vomit.</blockquote> <br /><blockquote>Excuse me, no one is allowed to talk to me when I have my dick in my hand.</blockquote><br /><blockquote>At work, there are only 2 urinals and 2 toilets, so sometimes it's unavoidable having someone pissing next to you. And I'm ok with that because there's no other alternative. But I really hate it when guys start talking to me about my plans for the weekend or what I did last night when I'm holding my cock because it's hard to talk about what I want to do this weekend without turning and yelling "STUFFING THIS INTO SOME BROAD'S MOUTH"</blockquote> <br /><blockquote>See that doesn't bother me. I almost <i>want</i> people to hear me. It's like yeah, motherfucker I'm taking a giant shit, and you have to stand there and listen to me annihilate this toilet. You have to try and hold your breath and not inhale the noxious fumes coming from my asshole. Enjoy being a Kurd to my Saddam Hussein, dickhead. <br />When I take a crap, Satan cries a little.</blockquote> <br />(To a friend about letting his nine-year-old son watch <a href="http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0468569/" target="_blank"><i>The Dark Knight</i></a>)<br /><blockquote>I haven't seen it, but unless you feel comfortable discussing why Heath Ledger shoves a pencil up his ass with him I would vote "no".</blockquote>Milkhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11490583694291336943noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-426380192050341438.post-51684125637769502622008-11-30T12:00:00.000-08:002008-12-27T10:26:28.450-08:00November Funnies (Part 2)November 14, 2008<br /><br /><blockquote>See I'd love to see a movie with Jedi fighting off mutants with chainsaws and tentacle rape monsters, preferrably with a death metal soundtrack.</blockquote><br /><blockquote>Ahahahaha the guy in the conference room next to me is ending his conference call and said "Does anyone have anything they want to share?" and my first instinct was to say very loudly that I love my penis. </blockquote><br /><blockquote>I can geek out about things, just not geeky things. I'm the anti-geek, but in the geekiest way possible. <br /><br />I dunno. lol</blockquote><br />(Talking about <a href="http://www.cnn.com/2008/US/10/08/nebraska.safe.haven/index.html" target="_blank">a girl abandoned by her parents at a Nebraska hospital</a>)<br /><blockquote>Hmm 17 years old, abandoned in the middle of nowhere... No money, no friends, nothing...<br /><br /><br />I'll bet she surfaces at a strip club in Lincoln going by "Diamond".</blockquote><br />(About a photo <a href="http://www.harikari.com/politics/bush-loves-the-shocker.html" target="_blank">showing President Bush and a women's sports team flashing some sort of hand signal</a>)<br /><blockquote>Fancy hand signals - not just for inner city poor kids and the deaf anymore. </blockquote><br /><br />November 16, 2008<br /><br /><blockquote>Every mushroom has a different flavor, and while I've never tasted jizz I can't say I've ever had a mushroom that smelled like bleach and tadpoles. </blockquote><br /><br />November 17, 2008<br /><br /><blockquote>Paste was minty. If they didn't want kids to eat it, they should have made it taste like burning rubber instead of something yummy. </blockquote><br /><blockquote>Isn't that the point of <a href="http://www.viagra.com/" target="_blank">Viagra</a>? To magically fix something that's been broken for years? </blockquote><br /><br />November 19, 2008<br /><br /><blockquote>Jello friction. Sounds like either an awesome punk band or a bad porno movie. </blockquote><br /><br />November 20, 2008<br /><br />(To a friend asking how to propose to his girlfriend)<br /><blockquote>I say do it in the form of a knock-knock joke.<br /><br />"Knock-knock"<br />"Who's there?"<br />"Will"<br />"Will who?"<br />"Will who marry me?"</blockquote> <br /><blockquote>Knock-knock jokes are appropriate for all of life's serious occasions.<br /><br />"Knock-knock"<br />"Who's there?"<br />"Grandma's dead" </blockquote><br /><br />November 22, 2008<br /><br /><blockquote>Yeah but you're Canadian. You celebrate July 4th in the snow. </blockquote><br /><br />November 24, 2008<br /><br /><blockquote>If only I could give people nervous tics or induce seizures. <br /><br />No really, I wish I could.</blockquote>Milkhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11490583694291336943noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-426380192050341438.post-69338065043825773662008-11-10T13:17:00.000-08:002008-12-27T14:11:24.874-08:00November Funnies (Part 1)November 3, 2008<br /><br />(About an <a href="http://www.wdwinfo.com/wdwinfo/guides/mgm/st-rockin.htm" target="_blank">Aerosmith-themed ride at Disney</a>)<br /><blockquote>I am imagining a roller coaster that goes up and down over mountains of blow. </blockquote><br /><br />November 5, 2008<br /><blockquote><a href="http://www.whitehouse.gov/history/presidents/wh29.html" target="_blank">Warren G. Harding</a> (better known as <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Warren_G" target="_blank">Warren G.</a>) was our <a href="http://www.nytimes.com/2008/04/06/magazine/06wwln-essay-t.html" target="_blank">first black President</a>. <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Mi7UUJ6cwLQ" target="_blank">He and Nate Dogg</a> had to regulate on Germany, <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Austro-hungarian_empire" target="_blank">Austria, and Hungary</a>. </blockquote><br />(About doing a dance with co-workers to celebrate the Obama victory)<br /><blockquote>Not sure what to tell you. There aren't many people here I'd like to do the "we did it" dance with. I'd just wind up feeling dirty and questioning my judgement later on.</blockquote><br /><blockquote>I'm actually rather touched that he remembered my affinity for Star Wars. <br /><br />I am still not gonna bugger him though. </blockquote><br /><blockquote>I think I just died inside a little. But it was probably a weak part of me anyway, and this has made me stronger. </blockquote><br />(About why Rush Limbaugh didn't update his <a href="http://www.rushlimbaugh.com/" target="_blank">website</a> for a day or two after Obama got elected)<br /><blockquote>Maybe he OD'd on oxycontin and doughnuts? </blockquote><br />(About voting against <a href="http://www.christineodonnell08.com/about-christine.html" target="_blank">a candidate running for local office who is anti-abortion, anti-pornography, and anti-premarital sex</a>)<br /><blockquote>If she got in power, what would I be able to do for my "Teen moms in need of cash make dirty movies" fetish? </blockquote><br /><br /><br />November 7, 2008<br /><br /><blockquote>I always doubted Georgia's version of events because they had so much to gain and Russia had so much to lose with the scenario. Georgia was butthurt because NATO said they wouldn't let them join (mainly because their army is third-rate), and wants so desperately to sit at the cool kids table. They figured if they could provoke Russia into a war Russia wasn't keen on being in and defeat them rather quickly, NATO would see the error of their ways and let them join. Too bad they pissed off one of the top 3 militaries in the entire world. Oops! <br /><br />Russia on the other hand was finally enjoying semi-normalized relations with the West, and invading a country would ruin any goodwill that had been built over the last 20 years or so. Then again, they weren't about to sit back and let a Third World "military" show them up on an international stage, so they <a href="http://www.roadrunnerrecords.com/Blabbermouth.net/news.aspx?mode=Article&newsitemID=8100" target="_blank">UNLEASHED THE FUCKING FURY like a drunk Yngwie Malmsteen on a trans-Atlantic flight</a>. </blockquote><br />(About why <a href="http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,1243,00.html" target="_blank">Brit Hume</a> stepped down from being an anchor on Fox News)<br /><blockquote>I hear his son defeated him in a duel and will help him remove his mask, thus helping him regain his humanity. </blockquote><br /><blockquote>When I was in 5th grade, the teacher asked us to spell a word she pronounced as "chik". She would not use it in a sentence, so I spelled it "chick". She said it was wrong, and went on to the next kid. Several more people were disqualified when they could not spell it until finally one of the dumber kids in the class spelled out "chic". He went on to the spelling bee, and I learned that inbred redneck teachers shouldn't ever try to pronounce words with foreign origins. </blockquote><br /><br />November 10, 2008<br /><br /><blockquote>Oh come on I can't be the only one who's fapped to flamingo porn...</blockquote><br /><blockquote>My son just said that Barack Obama was his "homie".<br /><br />God bless America.<br /></blockquote>Milkhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11490583694291336943noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-426380192050341438.post-35264318526897682382008-10-31T12:00:00.000-07:002008-12-26T14:51:02.195-08:00October Funnies (Part 3)October 24, 2008<br /><br /><blockquote>Ok I just realized something. I used to not be afraid of carnival rides. Oooh big deal, it spins me around or whatever. Not scary. Now I realize who put those rides together. Carnies. It's like my entire worldview has changed within the span of a few seconds. Is that like a paradigm shift? </blockquote><br />(About a woman who claimed to have been attacked by pro-Obama supporters who supposedly carved a "B" into her face)<br /><blockquote>Here's what I don't understand - if she was attacked, how would she have known the guy was "enraged by her McCain bumper sticker"? Most times when someone attacks you and carves stuff into your face, they're not going to offer a dissertation on politics because THEY'RE BUSY TRYING TO FUCKING KILL YOU</blockquote><br /><blockquote>I know of no one else who finds the idea of smiley face icons engaging in anal rape to be as humorous as I do.</blockquote> <br /><blockquote>They should be more specific, like saying "She has mental health issues such as this diagnosed disease" or "She has mental health issue because really, who the fuck <i>does</i> this?" </blockquote><br /><br />October 27, 2008<br /><br />(About my son's Halloween costume as Anakin Skywalker)<br /><blockquote>Yeah well I didn't want (him) to look like <a href="http://images.google.com/images?client=firefox-a&rls=org.mozilla%3Aen-US%3Aofficial&hl=en&q=jake+lloyd+anakin&btnG=Search+Images&gbv=2" target="_blank">Jake Lloyd</a> because Jake Lloyd sucks. I didn't want him to look like Anakin in the second movie because <a href="http://images.google.com/images?gbv=2&hl=en&safe=off&client=firefox-a&rls=org.mozilla%3Aen-US%3Aofficial&q=star+wars+episode+2&btnG=Search+Images" target="_blank">Anakin looks like a complete twink</a>. And I didn't want him to get fat and look like <a href="http://images.google.com/images?gbv=2&hl=en&safe=off&client=firefox-a&rls=org.mozilla%3Aen-US%3Aofficial&q=anakin&btnG=Search+Images" target="_blank">fat Anakin</a> in the third movie. So cartoony was the way to go.</blockquote> <br /><blockquote>Ok guys halp - what is the proper protocol when a co-worker walks by your office and farts audibly?</blockquote> <br /><blockquote>I didn't expect a Daoist answer to a fart question. But it works.</blockquote> <br /><blockquote>See my office is directly across from the men's room. I can hear everything that goes on in there, and I know when someone goes in whether it's going to be quiet or if it's going to sound like a P-51 Mustang with a bad engine trying to take off.</blockquote><br /><blockquote>Privacy - schmivacy. I've taken a dump on the side of I-4 in full view of rush hour traffic. If someone wants to watch me unleash the fury, then whatever man. </blockquote><br /><blockquote>Unless the building is on fire, it can wait until I'm not touching my genitals.</blockquote><br /><blockquote>I'm Buddhist. I pass gas because it's the right thing to do.</blockquote><br /><blockquote>Sounds like the guy I knew whose job was to basically be a nanny to a bunch of retarded folks. He got fired when he took them to the porno store.</blockquote> <br /><blockquote>Me:Sarah Palin has a tard child. Well, at least she claims it's hers. So therefore John McCain loves tard kids and Barack Obama and his liberal minions say "Fuck your retarded kids." <br />My friend Sam: I was thinking about getting that as a bumper sticker. Good idea, or best idea ever? <br />Me: Not as good an idea as actually fu*cking a retarded kid.</blockquote> <br /><blockquote>What kind of fucking inbred moron lets their 8 year old shoot a fucking Uzi? Isn't there some part of their brain that says "You know, letting my kid play with an Israeli-made submachine gun is just a <i>bad idea</i>." ? </blockquote><br /><br />October 29, 2008<br /><br /><blockquote>I caught myself thinking "I miss Alan. Who else am I going to tell I just took a dump so massive it got a Social Security number?"</blockquote><br /><blockquote>I just took a crap so huge I had to give it a middle name! </blockquote><br /><blockquote>Retirement funds are like chemistry. Most people think of them like Helium. It's a non-volatile gas that just keeps expanding, and given enough of it, your voice goes funny. The rest of us thought of it more like water. It was in for some expansion and contraction, and even susceptible to limited evaporation. But there'd still be enough at the end of the day to sustain us. <br />Lately, it's been like Lithium. It's basic and will react violently with water. </blockquote><br /><br />October 30, 2008<br /><br /><blockquote>A friend and I were going to make nunchuks out of (sex toys) because really, who's going to go to the cops and say they were beaten by two guys wielding dildochuks?</blockquote><br />(Later, about the dildochuks)<br /><blockquote>I was going to dress up like <a href="http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3120/2406838672_6ff1185bb1.jpg" target="_blank">that retarded kid with the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles headband-thing that goes over your eyes and a Superman shirt</a>. </blockquote><br /><blockquote>I don't have a snappy comeback right now. So if I'm a dick later on for no apparent reason, this is the reason.</blockquote><br /><br />October 31, 2008<br /><br />(About my Halloween costume)<br /><blockquote>I'm going to go out tonight dressed as myself. If and when a cute girl asks what my costume is, I will reply "Mr. Right."</blockquote> <br />(About Fresh Prince-rolling Alan)<br /><blockquote>What will happen is that Alan will see that and tell me that he hates me and that I'm a bastard. I'll remind him that if he truly hated me he wouldn't have responded that he hated me, he'd just block me. And then we'll laugh and tell dick and fart jokes. </blockquote><br />(About being bored at work)<br /><blockquote>Meh I'll probably wind up spending it like most other days where I have nothing to keep me occupied - with my head in my hands sobbing. </blockquote>Milkhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11490583694291336943noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-426380192050341438.post-16757527314583163302008-10-30T12:00:00.000-07:002008-12-25T13:05:01.524-08:00Epicest Fresh Prince of All TimeSo if you've read this, you know that there's nothing I like more than Fresh Prince-rolling my friend Alan. It's so great - I'll somehow work it into a conversation, he'll get mad and tell me he hates me, I'll lol...<br /><br />This time though was <i>fucking epic</i>. I was literally crying in public I was laughing so hard. <br /><br />4:03 PM me: I' here dude<br />4:03 PM me: Jsut for a bit though<br />4:05 PM me: k I'm gonna head out<br />4:05 PM me: There's a couple of guys standing here<br />4:05 PM Alan: :-/<br />4:05 PM me: They're up to no good<br />4:05 PM Alan: what kinda guys?<br />4:05 PM Alan: OH<br />4:05 PM Alan: GOD<br />4:05 PM Alan: DAMN<br />4:05 PM Alan: YOU<br />4:05 PM me: They're starting o make trouble in my neighborhood<br />4:05 PM me: :-D<br />4:05 PM Alan: gah<br />4:05 PM me: Holy shit I'm crying<br />4:05 PM Alan: really<br />4:06 PM Alan: yuore a bastard<br />4:06 PM me: You totally fell for that<br />4:06 PM me: Oh shit man<br />4:06 PM me: I gotta run<br />4:06 PM Alan: i was all concerened even you assface!<br />4:06 PM Alan: ok<br />4:06 PM Alan: asshole<br />4:06 PM me: Gotta go put a cool cloth on my face<br />4:06 PM me: See you laterMilkhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11490583694291336943noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-426380192050341438.post-12249748204595885372008-10-21T12:00:00.000-07:002008-12-26T14:52:38.110-08:00October Funnies (Part 2)October 10, 2008<br /><br /><blockquote>I'd watch a Western flick that has a lion as the star.</blockquote><br /><blockquote>Awesome. I've always wanted to smell like <a href="http://images.google.com/images?hl=en&q=Bobby%20Bowden&um=1&ie=UTF-8&sa=N&tab=wi" target="_blank">Bobby Bowden</a>. </blockquote><br /><blockquote><a href="http://www.cnbc.com/id/15838459/site/14081545/?__source=SI_28966869_1103847406_1" target="_blank">Jim Cramer</a> is the <a href="http://www.asseenontvvideo.com/Billy-Mays.html" target="_blank">Billy Mays</a> of the financial world. </blockquote><br /><blockquote>What you're looking at folks is a nation boiled down to it's lowest common denominator. And we've all seen what happens when you try and divide by zero.</blockquote> <br /><blockquote>Man, I was <i>this</i> close to screencapping the Dow losing 404 points on the day.<br /><br /><b>-404 - Retirement not found.</b></blockquote> <br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgoOBo-m560lultL0QkOeOys0M9OJsOy_2BGp6me8v-l4RuMFM2vis8MHm1Oon7G1bIP2i5-XNjEl4PumYgjounIYNQvgLb1zVdqMsb3CPp5P6utn9y4k00OBwVR8L0jovPZIeBYi2NDUL2/s1600-h/accident.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 238px; height: 320px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgoOBo-m560lultL0QkOeOys0M9OJsOy_2BGp6me8v-l4RuMFM2vis8MHm1Oon7G1bIP2i5-XNjEl4PumYgjounIYNQvgLb1zVdqMsb3CPp5P6utn9y4k00OBwVR8L0jovPZIeBYi2NDUL2/s320/accident.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5279073481216527362" /></a><br /><blockquote>In other news, shares of <a href="http://www.ford.com/" target="_blank">Ford Motor Company</a> are currently trading at $2.00 a share. So you can buy a share of the entire company for less than a gallon of gas that you would need to run your Ford Motor Car. </blockquote><br /><blockquote>If I can multiply something by one and square it, I have the makings of a financial genius. SUCK MY PEETER, <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Warren_Buffett" target="_blank">WARREN BUFFETT</a>!</blockquote> <br /><blockquote>It's a cross between Princess Leia, a furry, and puberty.<br /><br />It makes me sad in my pants.</blockquote> <br /><br />October 12, 2008<br /><br /><blockquote>Oh lord you guys. I just got back from the store with my son, and as we were leaving the parking lot, a rather attractive woman with her two small<br />children walk in front of the car. He goes "That woman is <i>shakin it</i>."<br /><br />I said "What?" because I wasn't sure I heard him correctly.<br /><br />He repeats "That woman is <i>shakin it.</i>"<br /><br />I just started laughing and said, "Yes. Yes she kinda is.</blockquote>" <br /><br />October 13, 2008<br /><br /><blockquote><a href="http://images.google.com/images?um=1&hl=en&safe=off&q=Nigella+Lawson&btnG=Search+Images" target="_blank">Nigella Lawson</a> makes my pants fit funny. Wait, is she English? She makes my trousers fit wonky.</blockquote> <br />(About someone using a toucan beak as a speculum)<br /><blockquote>Follow your nose! It ALWAYS knows! </blockquote><br />(About a cubicle-dweller being likened to a hamster)<br /><blockquote>Just crawl through the clear plastic tube into his cubicle and sniff his butt. He'll know you're friendly and not try and eat you.</blockquote><br />(To a friend who works at a porno store)<br /><blockquote>Yeah but your work environment is different than mine. "Causal Friday" at my work wouldn't permit chaps (they're all assless) and a ponytail buttplug. </blockquote><br /><br />October 14, 2008<br /><br /><blockquote>I want to be <a href="http://images.google.com/images?um=1&hl=en&safe=off&q=Mayor+McCheese&btnG=Search+Images" target="_blank">Mayor McCheese</a>, if only so I can taser that bitch-ass <a href="http://images.google.com/images?um=1&hl=en&safe=off&q=hamburglar&btnG=Search+Images" target="_blank">Hamburglar</a>.</blockquote><br /><br />October 15, 2008<br /><br /><blockquote>SURPRISE! You just won an all-expenses paid (by you) trip to your local hospital's NICU unit, where you will spend the next three months tending to your infant child on the verge of death! Come marvel at the O2 tent! See the wonder of a defibrillator so small it runs on Duracell batteries! </blockquote><br /><blockquote>Hey guys I had cajun eggplant covered in hot sauce for lunch, and I'm already passing what looks like motor oil now and my stomach sounds like a cheap bong. Can I go home now? </blockquote><br /><blockquote>Tell them the reason you want to be a cop is because you tasered someone at a party and he peed his pants, and you thought that was the funniest thing you've ever seen and want to laugh like that again.</blockquote><br /><br />October 20, 2008<br /><br /><blockquote>I laughed so hard I almost vomited. </blockquote><br /><br />October 22, 2008<br /><br />(About Motley Crue)<br /><blockquote>Nothing says bad ass like four junkies in make up setting stuff on fire.</blockquote><br /><br />October 21, 2008<br /><br /><blockquote>In the event of a <a href="http://blog.wired.com/defense/2008/04/how-to-battle-z.html" target="_blank">zombie apocalypse</a>, I'm going to need a samurai sword and a case of Red Bull. Oh, and maybe a blowtorch just for lulz. Wait, cancel the blowtorch and give me one of those boxing gloves on one of those scissory things that makes it shoot out far and fast.</blockquote> <br /><blockquote>I so want to touch <a href="http://images.google.com/images?hl=en&safe=off&q=Winona%20Ryder&um=1&ie=UTF-8&sa=N&tab=wi" target="_blank">Winona Ryder</a> in an inappropriate manner. Mmm... hot kleptomaniac chicks on anti-wacky medicine. </blockquote><br /><blockquote>Actually now that I think about it, <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AtyJbIOZjS8" target="_blank">Thriller</a> isn't that good to breakdance to. You need shiat like "<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k3kRuJhIVIo" target="_blank">The Message</a>" and <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XiHEdKt5dEY" target="_blank">Kurtis Blow</a> - some real old school hip-hop shit. Yeah, EVERYONE listened to Thriller and I know <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hMnk7lh9M3o" target="_blank">everyone can do the Thriller dance</a>, but I don't remember anyone actually breakin' to it - the beat is just kinda whack for that. Well, maybe the part without the horns - when you get the keyboards pumping that drum beat and synth bass line, you're ready to spin on your head like it's your freakin' job. </blockquote><br /><blockquote>Ahh, the early 1980's. Where every show had some <a href="http://images.google.com/images?hl=en&q=farrah%20fawcett&um=1&ie=UTF-8&sa=N&tab=wi" target="_blank">ridiculously hot chick</a>, some sort of <a herf="http://images.google.com/images?um=1&hl=en&safe=off&q=The+General+Lee&btnG=Search+Images" target="_blank">tricked out vehicle</a>, and 8 times out of 10, <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5AsqKQptTdQ" target="_blank">a chimpanzee strictly along for the lulz</a>. This is why tv sucks now. Somewhere between <i><a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L_q4Q6X-8Hk" target="_blank">Mama's Family</a></i> and the <i><a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KgssjkrRqA4" target="_blank">Golden Girls</a></i>, we lost touch with what was good with America. :-(</blockquote> <br /><blockquote>I remember trying out the CB radio when it seemed like on every single show on tv the good guys used the CB as some sort of underground way of spreading justice and fighting crime. I was so disappointed to find out it's was really used for truckers to solicit gay sex and avoid DUI checkpoints. :-( </blockquote>Milkhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11490583694291336943noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-426380192050341438.post-67347406296231942622008-10-09T12:00:00.000-07:002008-12-25T20:05:22.681-08:00October 9For some reason, I was on a roll that day...<br /><br />October 9, 2008<br /><br /><blockquote>Me: I think every show on <a href="http://www.bravotv.com/" target="_blank">Bravo</a> would be better with tasers. <br />My friend Max: <a href="http://www.bravotv.com/Inside_the_Actors_Studio/" target="_blank">Inside the Actor's Studio</a> could be great. <br />Me:I was thinking more of something completely lame like <a href="http://www.bravotv.com/Project_Runway/" target="_blank">Project Runway</a>. When one of the contestants gets out of line and starts getting really bitchy that <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tim_Gunn" target="_blank">old gay man</a> could just tase them.<br /><br />"What's wrong with my design? No! Tell me what is so..."<br /><br />tk-tk-tk-tk-tk-tk-tk-tk-tk<br /><br />"AAAAAHHHHHH"</blockquote> <br />(About the new Paris Hilton reality show)<br /><blockquote>I can see why it would be fascinating to watch. But the show just reinforces my belief that humankind would be better off with California lying at the bottom of the Pacific Ocean.</blockquote> <br /><blockquote>SUP DAWG WE HEARD YOU LIKE POTASSIUM SO WE PUT BANANAS IN YO RIDE</blockquote> <br /><blockquote>Ok well I won't eat the raw seafood because I will die but I will try cooked and then <a href="http://www.encyclopediadramatica.com/Weeaboo" target="_blank">I will watch anime and learn to speak Japanese and everything will BE SUPER KAWAII ^_^ </a></blockquote><br /><blockquote>My friend Max: And Vietnamese food is Chuck Norris in a crowd of nine year olds that are all other cuisines. <br />Me: Vietnamese food is pretty good, but I don't know if I would go that far. Maybe more like Jackie Chan? Sure it beats most things, but it doesn't beat all, and sometimes it's downright goofy. </blockquote><br /><blockquote>Last time I went to Chicago with the ex-wife, we went to this <a href="http://www.sushiwabi.com/" target="_blank">sushi place (Sushi Wabi)</a> in downtown with her <a href="http://www.encyclopediadramatica.com/Hipsters" target="_blank">hipster friends</a> that live there. It was this uber-pretentious place - you know, warehouse ceiling, lots of hipsters, and even a DJ in a straw cowboy hat spinning "untiss untiss untiss untiss" music for the whole evening. It was great asking the "Hi I'm your waiter, and I'm better than you" guy (maybe girl? I dunno hipsters all look the same) what they had that was cooked. the look on his or her face was priceless. You'd have thought I stood up on the table and took a dump while singing <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Sb-DTrMG4vs" target="_blank">"Raining Blood" by Slayer</a>.<br /><br />It was so weird being there. My dumb redneck ass with all of these Midwestern hipsters. lololol <br /><br />Yeah man. My life has been one gigantic <a href="http://www.robtwilliamsstudio.com/" target="_blank">Robert Williams</a> reality-meets-surreality experience. </blockquote><br /><blockquote>Me: Not sure what the hottest I've ever eaten is. Most of the Indian cuisine I've had has been rather tame, but I have heard that they and the Vietnamese can be exceptionally cruel when it comes to spicy foods. These are the places I use my rule (of testing the heat first before asking for the hottest setting) at, since I don't savor the idea of returning to work from lunch with my face red, lips swollen, and crying with a running nose <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oyxeiD25fHM" target="_blank">looking like Michael Irvin at his Hall of Fame speech</a>. <br />My friend Ellie: I don't think I can take any level past "<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LWSjUe0FyxQ" target="_blank">LEAVE BRITNEY ALONE!</a>" myself... <br />Me: Chris Crocker is where I like to be, Michael Irvin is sometimes where I wind up. :-( </blockquote><br /><blockquote>My tummy made an very unhappy gurgly noise too.<br /><br />It is demanding a sacrifice of ham and okra and rice and corn. Luckily I brought some of that with me today, or else I'd have to turn my desk into a brazen altar and slaughter a fatted calf right here and now. </blockquote><br /><blockquote>No fatted calves availble here (at work), unless you're talking about women's legs.</blockquote> <br /><blockquote>Would it be ironic to buy a <a href="http://www.membersonlystyle.com/" target="_blank">Member's Only jacket</a> at <a href="http://www.samsclub.com/shopping/index.jsp" target="_blank">a club that is members only</a>? Or would it just be bad ass? </blockquote><br /><blockquote>Ok I don't know why, but I just got this image in my head of the opening scene in <a href="http://www.amazon.com/2001-Space-Odyssey-Two-Disc-Special/dp/B000UJ48SG/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1?ie=UTF8&s=dvd&qid=1230263610&sr=8-1" target="_blank"><i>2001: A Space Odyssey</i></a> with the tribes of monkeys, except they were all office workers and instead of the one monkey beating the other with a femur the one office worker beat the other with a toner cartridge, and when he threw it up in the air, the monolith was in fact a gigantic stack of copy paper.</blockquote> <br />(About <a href="http://images.google.com/images?client=firefox-a&rls=org.mozilla%3Aen-US%3Aofficial&hl=en&q=padma+lakshmi&btnG=Search+Images&gbv=2" target="_blank">Padma Lakshmi</a>)<br /><blockquote>Another hottie who proves love maybe blind, but it can smell money a mile away. </blockquote><br /><blockquote>I got a bag of <a href="http://www.herrs.com/" target="_blank">Herr's</a> (local PA brand) <a href="http://consommaction.files.wordpress.com/2008/03/heers-ragin-ranch.gif" target="_blank">Fiery Ranch</a> that had an image of a red hot pepper playing an Explorer-style guitar in front of a tub of white stuff and all I could think of was "Yeah, <a href="http://www.metallica.com/" target="_blank">Metallica</a> really is kinda gay now."</blockquote><br /><blockquote>Oh, and I've actually been to the Herr's factory.<br /><br />My old roommate and this girl he was banging decided they were going to go to the Herr's Factory one day and invited me. They couldn't understand why I was so excited. We got there and took the tour, seeing the big chip kettles and potato slicers and crap. It was cool, but I was pretty disappointed because I didn't get to see how they made the cars that you put coffins in. </blockquote><br /><blockquote>Metallica started sucking when they ran out of music to steal from <a href="http://www.megadeth.com/" target="_blank">Dave Mustaine</a>. </blockquote><br /><blockquote>Who needs retirement when you can just work until you fall over at your desk dead?</blockquote>Milkhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11490583694291336943noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-426380192050341438.post-51527985570074165402008-10-08T12:00:00.000-07:002008-12-26T14:55:12.945-08:00October Funnies (Part 1)October 1, 2008<br /><br /><blockquote>One of my coworkers has a Tribble that she was showing off to me yesterday. It was weird. I didn't want to touch it. Apparently it vibrated. It made me very sad in my heart.</blockquote> <br /><blockquote>Damn I'm not that cheap, am I? I'd totally pay the difference for the bill <i>and</i> I'd even buy the condoms. </blockquote><br /><blockquote>I went to a Renaissance Faire once. My cousin got married there. It was really weird. I decided to go home when the axe throwing guy wouldn't let me try.</blockquote> <br /><blockquote>I don't know if I'd want anyone lol'ing at me if I used chemical warfare on Mr. Happy.</blockquote> <br /><blockquote>I'd take it seriously because there are people with swords and axes and crap, and the last thing I want 500 people drunk on homemade mead to re-enact is the last scene in Braveheart where I wind up having my head chopped off and stuck on a pike.</blockquote><br /><blockquote>My friend Dena: We (women) always feel smug and superior after sex anyway. <br />Me: I usually feel like a shower and a nap afterwards.</blockquote><br /><blockquote>Was it a movie about a lonely pizza delivery guy who delivers an extra large sausage pizza to a sorority house?<br />I love that movie. The jazz-disco soundtrack was groundbreaking <br />for it's time.</blockquote> <br /><blockquote>I'll bet I've heard of most of those people I've never heard of.</blockquote> <br />(About porno pictures from <a href="http://www.gimpsgonewild.com">Gimps Gone Wild</a>)<br /><blockquote>My friend Dena: Why does that man not have testicles? <br />Me: I think that's the least of his worries. </blockquote><br /><br />October 2, 2008<br /><br /><blockquote>My friend Max: I thought blathering about nothing at all was pretty much the charter of the GG. <br />Me: We're like one big episode of Seinfeld, but only we're funny. </blockquote><br /><br />October 3, 2008<br /><br />(About an article about a jogger who was shot and killed)<br /><blockquote>"She was a woman with a huge heart and a huge brain, compassionate and wise beyond her years," said a friend, San Francisco lawyer Ben Rosenfeld.<br /><br />I don't think the part about her having a huge brain holds true anymore after having her head blown off, Ben.</blockquote><br /><br />October 4, 2008<br /><br /><blockquote>Dude you live in Minnesota, right? I was under the impression that Minnesota was like Canada Jr. when it came to hockey - like people would talk about it all the time and there'd be a hockey channel on tv and like everyone owns a set of pads and sticks just in case a hockey game breaks out...</blockquote> <br /><br />October 6, 2008<br /><br /><blockquote>I ate 2 chicken and cheese quesadillas last night for dinner and by the time I went to bed my stomach was swollen like one of those Ethiopian kids that hasn't eaten anything in a month.</blockquote> <br /><blockquote>I would have then resembled one of those toys you buy at Spencer's where you squeeze it and a little brown bubble comes out of the butt. Except it wouldn't have been a bubble, it'd have been poop. And it wouldn't have gone back in when you let up on the pressure. </blockquote><br /><blockquote>"Daddy, why is that lady pushing on your tummy making you poop?"<br /><br />"Go watch football, son."</blockquote> <br /><blockquote>I love going to my ex-wife's neighborhood because it is the epitome of why the US economy is in the toilet right now. The townhouses there go from<br />$175k on up, and the regular houses in the development behind her start at $300k. The school system is shiat, the traffic is horrible, the entire area<br />is becoming more and more crime ridden, and oh yeah, most everyone drives around in those huge ass Hummers and SUV's and I look at them and go "How in the hell can you afford this? If you really could afford a $50K vehicle and $200K townhome, wouldn't you want to live someplace nicer than here?"<br /><br />Also because when I go there, I start singing that Elvis son "In The Ghetto" and it makes me laugh.</blockquote> <br />(About the movie <i>Edward Penishands</i>)<br /><blockquote>It's a cinematic experience - a classic love story told with eloquence and starring some of the greatest thespians of our era.</blockquote> <br /><blockquote>Internet libertarians aren't people. They're bots.</blockquote> <br /><blockquote>My friend Matt: So . . . I thought about going as the 'free candy' van for halloween, but the GF (who thinks it's hysterical) thinks some people might not think it's all that funny. What say you? <br />Me: Only if she goes as Chris Hanson</blockquote> <br /><blockquote>I always shy away from taking the funny from the internet to real life. I mean I would see that and laugh, and if I was with a friend, they'd ask me and I'd say "Well, this is funny on the internet, and he's brought it into real life, which in and of itself is funny, but the reference isn't funny since it's not online." and my friend would look at me funny, and I would feel awkward and funny and it wouldn't really be funny but I'd still be laughing.<br /><br />I dunno. Something like that.</blockquote> <br />(About Halloween costumes)<br /><blockquote>My son is going as a Jedi. I am going to go as a broken, lonely, neurotic man with a hat.<br /><br />Anyone have a hat I can borrow?</blockquote> <br /><br />October 8, 2008<br /><br />(About a topless doughnut shop)<br /><blockquote>I would advise against eating anything with the word "glazed" in the name.</blockquote> <br />(About Jamie-Lynn Spears being pregnant for a second time)<br /><blockquote>That boyfriend of hers must have Michael Phelps-like sperm. </blockquote><br /><blockquote>Great. Now I have and image of Lionel Richie trapping some girl on the ceiling with what I can only describe as like a Spider-Man-esque webbing made from Lionel's own genetic distribution stuck in my head.</blockquote> <br /><blockquote>My friend Max: I wonder if the 'DNA' strands would form helixes as they dried . . . <br />Me: Dunno. I usually shower after covering myself in my own DNA.</blockquote> <br /><blockquote>Dick Cheney is our very own Palpatine, minus the wrinkles and (hopefully) force lightning.</blockquote> <br /><blockquote>Not sure which I'd rather have... Chocolate *mouse* cake or Chocolate *moose* cake.<br /><br />Probably neither since I don't like chocolate.</blockquote> <br />(About taking the little one hiking)<br /><blockquote>I've taught (my son) important things , like how to tell what sticks make good walking sticks and how to pee in the bushes. </blockquote>Milkhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11490583694291336943noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-426380192050341438.post-61343774941874013332008-10-06T12:00:00.000-07:002008-12-26T13:22:39.988-08:00October 6 RantThis was, mind you, a couple weeks before the big stock market implosion.<br /><br /><blockquote>Anyone wonder what it was like living in the fall of Rome? Wonder no more. We even have our very own Nero who read to schoolchildren while the Twin Towers burned, played golf while New Orleans drowned, and looked the other way while Wall Street raped every man, woman, and child who were not CEO's of Fortune 500 companies.<br /><br />This country used to be great. It used to be a land of opportunity for everyone, where anyone could make it big if they worked hard. Now, all of the opportunity has been shipped overseas and the only people who can make it big are those who either have already made it big or those unscrupulous enough to lie, cheat, steal, and f*ck people over in a never-ending quest for more. Thanks to this quest I will not be able to retire ever, since my pension was discontinued in 2004 and instead replaced with the option of me to take money from my own paycheck and put it in the stock market. F*cking brilliant idea that was, except no one could answer me when I asked what would happen when the market crashed and inflation made the money I had stashed away meager even in the best case scenario. No one had a answer when I said that if you had offered someone a $100,000 retirement severance when they started in 1977 that they would have jumped all over it because in 1977 you could live rather well and for a long time on $100,000. However now when that person is getting ready to retire with that $100,000, they're looking at picking up a part-time gig greeting folks at Wal-Mart because it's either that or go without.<br /><br />I used to love this country. I absolutely hate what it has become.<br /><br />tl;dr - F*ck America </blockquote>Milkhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11490583694291336943noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-426380192050341438.post-91725046094965389012008-09-25T12:00:00.000-07:002008-12-25T15:35:49.033-08:00September Funnies (Part 3)September 24, 2008<br /><br />(About 80's fashion coming back in style)<br /><blockquote>The first kid I see dressed like Crockett or Tubbs is getting punched right in the dick.</blockquote> <br /><blockquote>My friend Matt: So, my GF's mom just had knee replacement done. I want to send her a thoughtful and uplifting card/flowers/something ... what do I send that says "thinking of you" without saying "kissing up like all get out"? <br />Me: Make one with a picture of an operating room table on the front and have it say "From the deep blue sea to the clear blue sky" and on the inside have it say "Boy are we glad you didn't die! Love Matt and GF" </blockquote><br /><blockquote>I want to see Dick Butkus and Mike Ditka in a fistfight.<br /><br />I'll bet it would be akin to dropping a hydrogen bomb into a vat of awesome.</blockquote> <br /><blockquote>lolol NOW I know who she (<a href="http://images.google.com/images?hl=en&q=ruth+ann+minner&btnG=Search+Images&gbv=2" target="_blank">Gov. Ruth Ann Minner of Delaware</a>) looks like...<br /><br /><a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rHO3wuNHFFc" target="_blank">Large Marge from the Pee-Wee Herman movie</a>.<br /><br />Oh lawds I almost evacuated my bowels at my desk.</blockquote> <br /><blockquote>Man I so wish they had a <a href="http://www.sonnysbbq.com/" target="_blank">Sonny's Bar-B-Q</a> here. Nothing like walking into a barbecue place that has a big iron wagon wheel hanging over the salad bar and being served sweet tea by a woman named "Lurlene" or "Bobbi Jo" who has an accent as thick as the barbecue sauce they serve. </blockquote><br /><blockquote>Eating at any chain restaurant in NYC or Chicago (excluding the original UNO's in Chicago) should warrant a kick in the dick. Like they should have some guy, no they should have <i><a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ray_Guy" target="_blank">Ray Guy</a></i> at the door of every Applebee's in NYC that administers a booming kick to the crotch of anyone that walks through the door (excluding staff and bums just using the bathroom).<br /><br />I'm thinking that this would help the retired and out-of-work NFL kickers get money. If only they'd had this available for poor <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Donald_Igwebuike" target="_blank">Donald Igwebuike</a>... </blockquote><br /><br />September 25, 2008<br /><br /><blockquote>I'll bet McCain's plane has it's left turn signal on the entire way.</blockquote>Milkhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11490583694291336943noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-426380192050341438.post-66415237730816617102008-09-23T12:00:00.000-07:002008-12-25T15:23:52.443-08:00September Funnies (Part 2)September 16, 2008<br /><br />(After I gave my ex-wife the movie <a href="http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0375063/" target="_blank"><i>Sideways</i></a> for her birthday)<br /><blockquote>The next time I saw her, I said "How did you like your movie?" and she goes "You didn't watch that, did you?" I said "No." and she proceeds to tell me that the movie is about a guy who gets divorced and finds out his ex-wife is dating someone and he has a nervous breakdown or something. And I was like "Uhh oops sorry about that. I didn't know mumble mumble" and she started laughing at me.<br /><br />It was rather uncomfortable.</blockquote><br /><br />September 17, 2008<br /><br /><blockquote>Any time I get to make a <a href="http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0098772/" target="_blank">Cop Rock</a> reference an angel gets it's wings. </blockquote><br /><blockquote>Holy crap you guys there's a meeting in the next room and people are f*cking screaming at each other. It sounds pretty damn epic.<br /><br />I'm thinking of walking by and yelling out "<a href="http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0113497/" target="_blank">JUMANJI!</a>" </blockquote><br /><blockquote>The story goes that shortly after World War II Frau M. (8th Grade German teacher) and her parents moved from Germany to someplace in the United States where she attended a Catholic school. There was a Dutch girl there, and the two became very good friends since they were both learning English, and Dutch and German are very similar.<br /><br />One day at lunch, Frau's friend knocked over a glass of milk, to which Frau M. exclaimed "Ahh! Du schitt seiner milsch! (You spilt your milk!)" One of the nuns overheard this and started beating her with a ruler.</blockquote> <br /><blockquote>Alan: we were talking about anal smoothie stars - the ones who <a href="http://www.fuckingmotherfucker.com/fucking-mother-fucker-blog/glauren-star-makes-an-ass-smoothie/" target="_blank">throw stuff in a blender & then give themselves a heatlhy nutritional enema assisted by a speculum</a><br />Me: I GUESS THAT'S WHY THEY CALL IT A HAPPY MEAL XD </blockquote><br /><blockquote>Anyone else remember the hype surrounding the commercials that they were running before the Super Bowl a couple years ago before they premiered the 5 bladed razor? I remember watching that with my friend and going "Watch it's probably something totally useless like they added another blade or something." and she replied "No, they wouldn't be that stupid to hype that up this much, would they?"<br /><br />When we saw that commercial come on the Super Bowl we both about pissed our pants laughing. </blockquote><br /><blockquote>I really don't come up with anything originally funny. I prefer to think of myself as a conduit to the collective subconscious, pulling random bits of funny out of the ether.<br /><br />Ok, I'm just a fucking lunatic.</blockquote><br /><br />September 18, 2008<br /><br /><blockquote>An uzi is best used in small compact spaces since it uses a small caliber round with a short range. In more open spaces, go with an AR-15 since it uses a larger caliber round capable of going longer distances with better accuracy. Don't use an AK-47. That's just trashy.</blockquote> <br /><blockquote>Growing up in Daytona Beach gave me such a unique outlook. I hate NASCAR, I know most bikers are good people when they're not strung out on meth, I know college kids are mostly harmless unless they're drunk, and I know that everyone in Michigan who weighs over 400 pounds has sat on my beach in December in a bikini at least once in their life.</blockquote> <br /><br />(About a guy who had a sticker on the back of his car that read "OBAMA is an empty suit with a dangerous radical MARXIST agenda. Vote MCCAIN-PALIN")<br /><blockquote>He's probably one of those guys that honestly believes that people will see this in traffic and it will be some sort of mind-altering revelation to them. Like some guy behind him going to <a href="http://www.wawa.com/" target="_blank">Wawa</a> will see this and go "You know what? This guy is right. Obama is a dangerous Marxist and will ruin this country! Fuck getting a hoagie and a pack of smokes, I've got political work to do!"</blockquote> <br /><blockquote>I can imagine there will be the day when the back glass in a car can be made with some sort of plasma-type material where the driver could see out but people on the outside would see some sort of display. Personally if I had that, I'd drive around with nothing but the car chase scenes from the <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hb7qPbvZDCM" target="_blank">Dukes of Hazzard</a> tv shows playing non-stop. </blockquote> <br />(About learning to read using <i>Penthouse</i> magazine)<br /><blockquote>Hey, at least I learned to read unlike other kids in my class. So what if I was the only third-grader with a vocabulary that included words like "undulation" and "pendulous"?</blockquote><br /><br />September 22, 2008<br /><br /><blockquote>I've always wondered if Brussels smells like brussels sprouts. I've also always wondered if all the men in Brussels are <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DNT7uZf7lew" target="_blank">six-foot-four and full of muscles</a>.<br /><br />Stupid Flanders.</blockquote> <br /><br />September 23, 2008<br /><br /><blockquote>Days are like cities. Some days are like New York and just full of awesome. Some days are like London and just gray and rainy.<br /><br />Today is like Detroit. Just completely awful with absolutely no redeeming qualities about it.</blockquote>Milkhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11490583694291336943noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-426380192050341438.post-2632308702962359432008-09-18T18:30:00.000-07:002008-12-25T15:36:52.735-08:00Fresh Prince of DelawareNow this is a story all about how<br />My life got flipped-turned upisde down<br />I'd like to take a minute so just sit right there<br />And I'll tell you how I became the Prince of a state called Delaware<br /><br />On the westside of Daytona I was raised<br />On the beachside is where I spent most of my days<br />Chillin out maxin out relaxing all cool<br />Doin all sorts of drugs while skipping school<br />When a couple of guys who were up to no good<br />Called the cops on me in my neighborhood<br />I almost got a charge and I got scared<br />I said "F*ck this shiat I'm moving to Delaware"<br /><br />I rented a U-Haul when the time was here<br />I drove it through DC consumed by fear<br />That I'd get jacked or shot right there<br />But I said "Naah forget it, I'm almost in Delaware"<br /><br />I pulled up to the apartment about 2 or 3<br />And I yelled at some crackhead to get away from me<br />I looked at my kingdom I was finally there<br />To sit on my throne as the prince of DelawareMilkhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11490583694291336943noreply@blogger.com0