Friday, July 25, 2008

Hobo Talk

Who knew hobos were so entertaining...

Me: A European friend of mine tried explaining Gypsies to me. He said that they were like bums, except they were bums for generations so the EU gave them special rights. I lol'd.
My friend Max: Now that's pretty awesome. Here we call them "hobos" and you don't even need a permit to hunt them.
Me: Any limits on how many you can bag? Size restrictions? This may or may not be relevant to my interests...
My friend Max: I've never seen any signs posted, but you might want to check your local ordinances. And make sure you dispose of your kills properly.
Me: I eat what I catch. I make a mean drifter stew. It tastes like sweat and cheap scotch.
My friend Max: I want a hobo international brand hobo. I hear they're all the rage right now!
Me: If I start a line of clothing, it will be called HOBO. And it will smell like stale piss and malt liquor.
Me: Everything will come in one color - hobo green (formerly known as olive green or army green) and each garment will have its own unique stains. Man, I'm on to something here...
My friend Max: Malt liquor? Pft. MD 20/20, grape flavor, man (that's the one that fucks you up most). Or, if you're feeling swanky, Thunderbird.
Me: Hrm... Perhaps I could diversify the clothing line by introducing MD and Thunderbird flavored garments?
My friend Max: Only if you want to cause a rash of vampire hobo goat* attacks.
*Also known as "chupacabra"
Me: Why would I not want to do that?
My friend Max: Because when you're using a chupacabra on a leash for hobo tracking, the last thing you want is to run across a couple of hipsters who may not yet have completely pissed off everyone in their lives.
Me: I'm not following your logic here. Remind me again why I wouldn't want El Chupacabra to slaughter hipsters?
My friend Max: Because, for some reason, hipsters may be missed. And there's a two per season limit on them.
Me: True.. if it weren't for hipsters, Starbucks and Borders would both face huge labor shortages.

20 minutes later...
Me: Everyone got really quiet. Are you all out killing hobos?
My friend Max: I mostly hunt at night. Mostly.
Me: Too easy. I like having to look for them as opposed to just going from park benches to overpasses.

A little later...
My friend Sam: I am busy being in a horriblly angry mood
Me: Stab a hobo and then swing him around over a large canvas. Then sell your artwork for tons of money.

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