August Funnies (Part 3)

August 25, 2008

As much as I'm usually for computerizing everything, elections are one thing I want to see done as technologically inefficiently as possible. I'd be ok with handwriting an X next to the name of the candidate I'm voting for and putting a purple fingerprint next to it. If it's good enough for our Iraqi subjects, it's good enough for me.

Yes. People who can't even use AOL properly are going to fix electronic voting machines.

So is paffing like when I get an erection at work and then have to go somewhere and I don't want my coworkers seeing it so I have to think of things like that scene in Cocoon where you can see Wilford Brimley's diabeetus-ridden naked ass?

My friend Chris (who lives in Nevada): Damn it's late there. That sucks for you guys..
Me: Beats living out west.
Chris: You've obviously never lived out west...
Me: I've never lived in Somalia either.

August 26, 2008

(To a friend who was being asked about things by her old boss after being terminated)

Is this from the old job? Because I'd remind them that you're no longer contractually obligated to answer questions like these.

That line worked pretty well with my ex-wife. :-)

August 27, 2008

My friend Max: I guess I'm just a starry eyed optimist who keeps hoping the next fart will be rainbows.
Me: I've been farting plenty, but sadly all of my rainbows are brown.

My friend Sarah: Apparently some magical fairy paid my phone bill this month. That's weird
Me: Lucky you. All of the fairies I know aren't magical.

August 28, 2008

I can kinda see why some people look at politics like pro wrestling - all the sub-plots and good-guys-versus-bad-guys dramatics... And hell, I'd pay good money to see someone smack Hillary with a steel chair.

Wouldn't it be rad though if it was like pro wrestling? McCain could even wear a luciador mask and the presidential race would be settled by a barbed-wire baseball-bat and flaming table match-of-death. Shit, it's not like voting actually counts anyways, and this would be entertaining!

I like seeing how normal I can come off as to people at work. They're all "Oh, he is so nice and polite."

Little do they know...

August 29, 2008

(About MySpace)

Mine was deleted when I threatened to post tons of gay porn.

(About Sarah Palin)

Do you think she takes it in the butt since doing it regularly for a reason besides procreation might be sinful?

(More about Sarah Palin)

You don't know man. It seems like the more anti-everything a person is publicly the freakier they are privately. How many uber-conservative politicians have been caught with prostitutes, young boys, gay affairs, etc...

I'll bet she does ass-to-mouth and loves it.

Who is more virtuous - a man who does good because God will smite him if he doesn't or a man who, in the absence of God, does good because it's good?

This is one of those rhetorical questions with no answer, like "What is the sound of one hand clapping?" (and don't try that shit the Simpsons did either - you won't reach serenity in meditation with a cop out answer like that BART SIMPSON YOU FUCKING PRICK)

I was never a fan of the "let's blow the hair all over so it looks like an octopus in heat" look.

August 30, 2008

Say what you want about America, at least we don't let French furries advertise on our television...

COPS is 30 minutes of schadenfreude with commercial interruptions.

August Funnies (Part 2)

August 15, 2008

Most days I'd rather gargle broken glass and razor blades in an isopropyl alcohol solution than talk on the phone.

FISH Philosophy?

Fuck it, shit happens?

No, the Japanese don't go for stuff that we take for granted. Ever seen a Japanese person eat a cake with a buttprint? Me either.

They're weird over there.

What's pav though?

I'm thinking I'll ask some of my Indian co-workers if they know where to get it, as long as "pav" doesn't translate into "dog dick" or something.

Alan made the mistake once of jokingly asking me for scat pron.

That was amusing. :-D

(About Heath Ledger dying)

Here's hoping Jim Carrey doesn't make a movie about buttsecks and start eating pills within the next 3 years.

August 20, 2008

I was talking to a friend a week or so ago and told them that I took up running. She said "Oh? That's good. You'll feel better. Didn't you feel better afterward?"

I looked at her and said "No, I thought I was going to die."

Her husband laughed and laughed. I like him.

I just found a Canadian dime in the community coffee fund. At first, I was kinda upset that it wasn't American. What a cheapskate! Then I realized that no, that Canadian dime is worth more than its American counterpart. Then I got happy because of the economy and inflation and how NOW AMERICA JR. IS A RICHER COUNTRY THAN US.

Supid ForEx.

August 21, 2008

I just had this mental image of you holding a cat up in the sun and squeezing liquid out of its ass, kinda like Bear Grylls in that episode where he's in Africa and squeezes the water out of the elephant turd.

Baltimore: We put the "HARM" in "CHARM CITY"

Me and Max and Bob started comparing our work systems. It seems like our companies like to buy Ferraris when what they need is a first generation Humvee. Sure, the Ferrari will go super fast and looks awesome, but it costs a shit ton of money to buy and keep, and you can't really go 300 mph on most roads you drive on because a.) they're not designed for fast driving and b.) there's cops around every corner waiting to fuck your day up (in our case, incompetent people who can't handle driving a Buick much less a precision sports car).

Fresh Prince of the County Jail

Ok a little back story is appropriate here. My friends Max and Ellie were living with a guy named Bill. I say "were" because one day Bill was hauled off to jail on charges he molested his daughter. From everything Max and Ellie have told me, Bill is a stand-up guy and would never do this while his daughter is a lying, manipulative little cunt.

So their best friend gets hauled off to jail, and how do I respond?

With a Fresh Prince-roll, of course...

Now this is the story all about how
Bill's life got flipped-turned upside-down
I'd like to take a minute
Just sit right there
I'll tell you how he became the prince of the County Jail

In West Delaware, Ohio born and raised
With Max and Ellie is how he spent most of his days
Chillin' out maxin' relaxin' all cool
Goofin' off with Max, both acting like fools
When one of his kids who was up to no good
Lied to the cops in the neighborhood
There was one little allegation of CP and the cops got scared
They said "You're moving in with Bubba down at the County Jail"

They whistled for a squad car and when it came near
The license plate said "U-Haul" and you could see Chris Hansen in the mirror
If anything I can say that this raid was rare
Then I thought "What the shiat- they're taking Bill to Jail!"

He pulled up to the station a few hours later
And the cops all thought they had a perpetrator
In prison he sits and we hope the trial is fair
And one day Bill will no longer be the Prince of the County Jail

Apparently Bill got a laugh out of it.

August 27 Rant

I think this is a problem that is inherent in our society. Nobody seems to stand up and take accountability for their actions. It's easier to play the victim and cry foul than it is to work hard and try and make a decent life for yourself and those around you. You see people do it all the time, from the people who get handicapped placards to get the close parking spaces when they are able to walk just fine to the people who wrap themselves in petty drama instead of focusing on actually accomplishing something with their lives. Everything is someone else's fault, and if I wish hard enough, MTV will come along and Pimp My ride and that bald weirdo with the same name as Howie Mandel will make me a millionaire and I too can live in a 90210 fantasyland where the Prozac grows on trees and it's always sunny, even if you're not in Philadelphia.

I hate these people with every fiber of my being. They are what is wrong with the world, and I hate them. All of them.

tl;dr - GTFO my planet, crybabies

August Funnies (Part 1)

August 1, 2008

Alan, the next time you are eating bacon, you will think of my penis.

Later...

Alan, the next time you are eating camel, you will think of my penis.

If cynicism is healthy then I'm going to live to be a million.

My friend Chris: "Biochemically, love is just like eating large amounts of chocolate." -John Milton, The Devils Advocate
Me: Perhaps this is why I am alone. I can't stand chocolate, and I'm a biologist at heart.
I believe I'm biologically predetermined to fail at love.

August 4, 2008

Miss Noodle on Sesame Street gave me a huge boner, as well as a complex about having dirty fantasies about someone on a children's show.

August 5, 2008

I barely have time to keep up with my general day-to-day operations, especially with some of our more popular applications shitting all over the place like a new puppy without the cuteness. Just the shitting, and occasionally chewing stuff up. And shitting.

August 7, 2008

I LOVED DangerMouse as a kid. And not the English dude who does mashups. Him I could give a f*ck about.

Is it bad that I wanted to be Baron Silas T. Greenback when I grew up? Not because I wanted to be a frog in a suit, mind you, but because I wanted my own yes-man that called me "Baroney" in a Cockney accent.

August 8, 2008

(About my funeral arrangements)

I want to be hollowed out, stuffed with candy, suspended from the ceiling, and made into a pinata.

August 9, 2008

I woke up at around 10 and I started out watching women's soccer, then women's indoor volleyball, then women's swimming, and now women's fencing.

It's been more than 4 hours with an erection - should I call my doctor?

August 10, 2008

You mean they don't really hate us because we're free? They hate us because most of us are ignorant rednecks that take pride in the fact that we're ignorant rednecks?

USA! USA! USA!

August 11, 2008

Here's some advice.

I know that apathy and alcohol have saved my soul. See, when you care about something, you give it a chance to hurt you. And inevitably, everything will hurt you. So anymore I don't give a flying f*ck about anything. And when I find myself going "You know, they're really a nice person." or "F*cking asshole, I hope their house burns down.", I remember that I'm giving that person power over me - the power to hurt me and possibly steal my soul. So I start drinking and I just don't care anymore, thus ensuring I don't get hurt or have my soul stolen.

Some sort of something to you!

August 12, 2008

When going into a stinky bathroom, make sure you can hold your breath for the duration of what you're going to do. Nothing like holding your breath until you're about to pass out, and just as the lights start to dim taking a huge breath to prevent blacking out only to fill your lungs with jenkem.

Yeah I hate getting an erection while I'm trying to take a leak. Luckily for me I don't have to wear a tie to work anymore. Woot!

Rex Grossman is the smartest guy with Downs Syndrome I've ever seen.

Elizabeth and Me

My friend Elizabeth is awesome. She has a child that is a year older than mine, so I talk to her often about kids and get advice. Once in a while, my crazy comes out though.

12:36 PM me: I don't get the appeal of Thomas the Train to small children
12:37 PM me: This crap is creepy
12:43 PM Elizabeth: I've never really watched it
12:44 PM me: The only things that move are the trains
12:45 PM me: And there's one narrator who does all the voices, but he doesn't like try to make different voices
12:45 PM me: It's just weird
12:48 PM Elizabeth: yeah
12:48 PM Elizabeth: that's kind of creepy
12:48 PM me: Heh
12:56 PM me: Something else I don't get about Thomas the Train
12:57 PM me: The songs are all sung by English children
12:57 PM me: The accent is pretty thick
12:57 PM me: Yet the narrator sounds like he's from like Maine or something
12:57 PM me: It's so damn weird
12:58 PM Elizabeth: maybe they've dubbed it
12:58 PM me: Why would they?
12:58 PM Elizabeth: but I'm not sure why they would
12:58 PM me: English to English?
12:58 PM me: lo;
12:58 PM me: lol
12:58 PM Elizabeth: I mean, it's such low production quality to start with
12:59 PM Elizabeth: they're not doing much to raise the bar
12:59 PM me: That reminds me of the Married With Children episode where they go to England, and Kelly had an English to American translation book