Tuesday, August 12, 2008

August Funnies (Part 1)

August 1, 2008

Alan, the next time you are eating bacon, you will think of my penis.

Alan, the next time you are eating camel, you will think of my penis.

If cynicism is healthy then I'm going to live to be a million.

My friend Chris: "Biochemically, love is just like eating large amounts of chocolate." -John Milton, The Devils Advocate
Me: Perhaps this is why I am alone. I can't stand chocolate, and I'm a biologist at heart.
I believe I'm biologically predetermined to fail at love.

August 4, 2008

Miss Noodle on Sesame Street gave me a huge boner, as well as a complex about having dirty fantasies about someone on a children's show.

August 5, 2008

I barely have time to keep up with my general day-to-day operations, especially with some of our more popular applications shitting all over the place like a new puppy without the cuteness. Just the shitting, and occasionally chewing stuff up. And shitting.

August 7, 2008

I LOVED DangerMouse as a kid. And not the English dude who does mashups. Him I could give a f*ck about.

Is it bad that I wanted to be Baron Silas T. Greenback when I grew up? Not because I wanted to be a frog in a suit, mind you, but because I wanted my own yes-man that called me "Baroney" in a Cockney accent.

August 8, 2008

(About my funeral arrangements)
I want to be hollowed out, stuffed with candy, suspended from the ceiling, and made into a pinata.

August 9, 2008

I woke up at around 10 and I started out watching women's soccer, then women's indoor volleyball, then women's swimming, and now women's fencing.

It's been more than 4 hours with an erection - should I call my doctor?

August 10, 2008

You mean they don't really hate us because we're free? They hate us because most of us are ignorant rednecks that take pride in the fact that we're ignorant rednecks?


August 11, 2008

Here's some advice.

I know that apathy and alcohol have saved my soul. See, when you care about something, you give it a chance to hurt you. And inevitably, everything will hurt you. So anymore I don't give a flying f*ck about anything. And when I find myself going "You know, they're really a nice person." or "F*cking asshole, I hope their house burns down.", I remember that I'm giving that person power over me - the power to hurt me and possibly steal my soul. So I start drinking and I just don't care anymore, thus ensuring I don't get hurt or have my soul stolen.

Some sort of something to you!

August 12, 2008

When going into a stinky bathroom, make sure you can hold your breath for the duration of what you're going to do. Nothing like holding your breath until you're about to pass out, and just as the lights start to dim taking a huge breath to prevent blacking out only to fill your lungs with jenkem.

Yeah I hate getting an erection while I'm trying to take a leak. Luckily for me I don't have to wear a tie to work anymore. Woot!

Rex Grossman is the smartest guy with Downs Syndrome I've ever seen.

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