Sunday, August 31, 2008

August Funnies (Part 3)

August 25, 2008

As much as I'm usually for computerizing everything, elections are one thing I want to see done as technologically inefficiently as possible. I'd be ok with handwriting an X next to the name of the candidate I'm voting for and putting a purple fingerprint next to it. If it's good enough for our Iraqi subjects, it's good enough for me.

Yes. People who can't even use AOL properly are going to fix electronic voting machines.

So is paffing like when I get an erection at work and then have to go somewhere and I don't want my coworkers seeing it so I have to think of things like that scene in Cocoon where you can see Wilford Brimley's diabeetus-ridden naked ass?

My friend Chris (who lives in Nevada): Damn it's late there. That sucks for you guys..
Me: Beats living out west.
Chris: You've obviously never lived out west...
Me: I've never lived in Somalia either.

August 26, 2008

(To a friend who was being asked about things by her old boss after being terminated)
Is this from the old job? Because I'd remind them that you're no longer contractually obligated to answer questions like these.

That line worked pretty well with my ex-wife. :-)

August 27, 2008

My friend Max: I guess I'm just a starry eyed optimist who keeps hoping the next fart will be rainbows.
Me: I've been farting plenty, but sadly all of my rainbows are brown.

My friend Sarah: Apparently some magical fairy paid my phone bill this month. That's weird
Me: Lucky you. All of the fairies I know aren't magical.

August 28, 2008

I can kinda see why some people look at politics like pro wrestling - all the sub-plots and good-guys-versus-bad-guys dramatics... And hell, I'd pay good money to see someone smack Hillary with a steel chair.

Wouldn't it be rad though if it was like pro wrestling? McCain could even wear a luciador mask and the presidential race would be settled by a barbed-wire baseball-bat and flaming table match-of-death. Shit, it's not like voting actually counts anyways, and this would be entertaining!

I like seeing how normal I can come off as to people at work. They're all "Oh, he is so nice and polite."

Little do they know...

August 29, 2008

(About MySpace)
Mine was deleted when I threatened to post tons of gay porn.

(About Sarah Palin)
Do you think she takes it in the butt since doing it regularly for a reason besides procreation might be sinful?

(More about Sarah Palin)
You don't know man. It seems like the more anti-everything a person is publicly the freakier they are privately. How many uber-conservative politicians have been caught with prostitutes, young boys, gay affairs, etc...

I'll bet she does ass-to-mouth and loves it.

Who is more virtuous - a man who does good because God will smite him if he doesn't or a man who, in the absence of God, does good because it's good?

This is one of those rhetorical questions with no answer, like "What is the sound of one hand clapping?" (and don't try that shit the Simpsons did either - you won't reach serenity in meditation with a cop out answer like that BART SIMPSON YOU FUCKING PRICK)

I was never a fan of the "let's blow the hair all over so it looks like an octopus in heat" look.

August 30, 2008

Say what you want about America, at least we don't let French furries advertise on our television...

COPS is 30 minutes of schadenfreude with commercial interruptions.

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