Ok I just realized something. I used to not be afraid of carnival rides. Oooh big deal, it spins me around or whatever. Not scary. Now I realize who put those rides together. Carnies. It's like my entire worldview has changed within the span of a few seconds. Is that like a paradigm shift?
(About a woman who claimed to have been attacked by pro-Obama supporters who supposedly carved a "B" into her face)
Here's what I don't understand - if she was attacked, how would she have known the guy was "enraged by her McCain bumper sticker"? Most times when someone attacks you and carves stuff into your face, they're not going to offer a dissertation on politics because THEY'RE BUSY TRYING TO FUCKING KILL YOU
I know of no one else who finds the idea of smiley face icons engaging in anal rape to be as humorous as I do.
They should be more specific, like saying "She has mental health issues such as this diagnosed disease" or "She has mental health issue because really, who the fuck does this?"
October 27, 2008
(About my son's Halloween costume as Anakin Skywalker)
Yeah well I didn't want (him) to look like Jake Lloyd because Jake Lloyd sucks. I didn't want him to look like Anakin in the second movie because Anakin looks like a complete twink. And I didn't want him to get fat and look like fat Anakin in the third movie. So cartoony was the way to go.
Ok guys halp - what is the proper protocol when a co-worker walks by your office and farts audibly?
I didn't expect a Daoist answer to a fart question. But it works.
See my office is directly across from the men's room. I can hear everything that goes on in there, and I know when someone goes in whether it's going to be quiet or if it's going to sound like a P-51 Mustang with a bad engine trying to take off.
Privacy - schmivacy. I've taken a dump on the side of I-4 in full view of rush hour traffic. If someone wants to watch me unleash the fury, then whatever man.
Unless the building is on fire, it can wait until I'm not touching my genitals.
I'm Buddhist. I pass gas because it's the right thing to do.
Sounds like the guy I knew whose job was to basically be a nanny to a bunch of retarded folks. He got fired when he took them to the porno store.
Me:Sarah Palin has a tard child. Well, at least she claims it's hers. So therefore John McCain loves tard kids and Barack Obama and his liberal minions say "Fuck your retarded kids."
My friend Sam: I was thinking about getting that as a bumper sticker. Good idea, or best idea ever?
Me: Not as good an idea as actually fu*cking a retarded kid.
What kind of fucking inbred moron lets their 8 year old shoot a fucking Uzi? Isn't there some part of their brain that says "You know, letting my kid play with an Israeli-made submachine gun is just a bad idea." ?
October 29, 2008
I caught myself thinking "I miss Alan. Who else am I going to tell I just took a dump so massive it got a Social Security number?"
I just took a crap so huge I had to give it a middle name!
Retirement funds are like chemistry. Most people think of them like Helium. It's a non-volatile gas that just keeps expanding, and given enough of it, your voice goes funny. The rest of us thought of it more like water. It was in for some expansion and contraction, and even susceptible to limited evaporation. But there'd still be enough at the end of the day to sustain us.
Lately, it's been like Lithium. It's basic and will react violently with water.
October 30, 2008
A friend and I were going to make nunchuks out of (sex toys) because really, who's going to go to the cops and say they were beaten by two guys wielding dildochuks?
(Later, about the dildochuks)
I was going to dress up like that retarded kid with the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles headband-thing that goes over your eyes and a Superman shirt.
I don't have a snappy comeback right now. So if I'm a dick later on for no apparent reason, this is the reason.
October 31, 2008
(About my Halloween costume)
I'm going to go out tonight dressed as myself. If and when a cute girl asks what my costume is, I will reply "Mr. Right."
(About Fresh Prince-rolling Alan)
What will happen is that Alan will see that and tell me that he hates me and that I'm a bastard. I'll remind him that if he truly hated me he wouldn't have responded that he hated me, he'd just block me. And then we'll laugh and tell dick and fart jokes.
(About being bored at work)
Meh I'll probably wind up spending it like most other days where I have nothing to keep me occupied - with my head in my hands sobbing.