October Funnies (Part 3)

October 24, 2008

Ok I just realized something. I used to not be afraid of carnival rides. Oooh big deal, it spins me around or whatever. Not scary. Now I realize who put those rides together. Carnies. It's like my entire worldview has changed within the span of a few seconds. Is that like a paradigm shift?

(About a woman who claimed to have been attacked by pro-Obama supporters who supposedly carved a "B" into her face)

Here's what I don't understand - if she was attacked, how would she have known the guy was "enraged by her McCain bumper sticker"? Most times when someone attacks you and carves stuff into your face, they're not going to offer a dissertation on politics because THEY'RE BUSY TRYING TO FUCKING KILL YOU

I know of no one else who finds the idea of smiley face icons engaging in anal rape to be as humorous as I do.

They should be more specific, like saying "She has mental health issues such as this diagnosed disease" or "She has mental health issue because really, who the fuck does this?"

October 27, 2008

(About my son's Halloween costume as Anakin Skywalker)

Yeah well I didn't want (him) to look like Jake Lloyd because Jake Lloyd sucks. I didn't want him to look like Anakin in the second movie because Anakin looks like a complete twink. And I didn't want him to get fat and look like fat Anakin in the third movie. So cartoony was the way to go.

Ok guys halp - what is the proper protocol when a co-worker walks by your office and farts audibly?

I didn't expect a Daoist answer to a fart question. But it works.

See my office is directly across from the men's room. I can hear everything that goes on in there, and I know when someone goes in whether it's going to be quiet or if it's going to sound like a P-51 Mustang with a bad engine trying to take off.

Privacy - schmivacy. I've taken a dump on the side of I-4 in full view of rush hour traffic. If someone wants to watch me unleash the fury, then whatever man.

Unless the building is on fire, it can wait until I'm not touching my genitals.

I'm Buddhist. I pass gas because it's the right thing to do.

Sounds like the guy I knew whose job was to basically be a nanny to a bunch of retarded folks. He got fired when he took them to the porno store.

Me:Sarah Palin has a tard child. Well, at least she claims it's hers. So therefore John McCain loves tard kids and Barack Obama and his liberal minions say "Fuck your retarded kids."
My friend Sam: I was thinking about getting that as a bumper sticker. Good idea, or best idea ever?
Me: Not as good an idea as actually fu*cking a retarded kid.

What kind of fucking inbred moron lets their 8 year old shoot a fucking Uzi? Isn't there some part of their brain that says "You know, letting my kid play with an Israeli-made submachine gun is just a bad idea." ?

October 29, 2008

I caught myself thinking "I miss Alan. Who else am I going to tell I just took a dump so massive it got a Social Security number?"

I just took a crap so huge I had to give it a middle name!

Retirement funds are like chemistry. Most people think of them like Helium. It's a non-volatile gas that just keeps expanding, and given enough of it, your voice goes funny. The rest of us thought of it more like water. It was in for some expansion and contraction, and even susceptible to limited evaporation. But there'd still be enough at the end of the day to sustain us.
Lately, it's been like Lithium. It's basic and will react violently with water.

October 30, 2008

A friend and I were going to make nunchuks out of (sex toys) because really, who's going to go to the cops and say they were beaten by two guys wielding dildochuks?

(Later, about the dildochuks)

I was going to dress up like that retarded kid with the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles headband-thing that goes over your eyes and a Superman shirt.

I don't have a snappy comeback right now. So if I'm a dick later on for no apparent reason, this is the reason.

October 31, 2008

(About my Halloween costume)

I'm going to go out tonight dressed as myself. If and when a cute girl asks what my costume is, I will reply "Mr. Right."

(About Fresh Prince-rolling Alan)

What will happen is that Alan will see that and tell me that he hates me and that I'm a bastard. I'll remind him that if he truly hated me he wouldn't have responded that he hated me, he'd just block me. And then we'll laugh and tell dick and fart jokes.

(About being bored at work)

Meh I'll probably wind up spending it like most other days where I have nothing to keep me occupied - with my head in my hands sobbing.

Epicest Fresh Prince of All Time

So if you've read this, you know that there's nothing I like more than Fresh Prince-rolling my friend Alan. It's so great - I'll somehow work it into a conversation, he'll get mad and tell me he hates me, I'll lol...

This time though was fucking epic. I was literally crying in public I was laughing so hard.

4:03 PM me: I' here dude
4:03 PM me: Jsut for a bit though
4:05 PM me: k I'm gonna head out
4:05 PM me: There's a couple of guys standing here
4:05 PM Alan: :-/
4:05 PM me: They're up to no good
4:05 PM Alan: what kinda guys?
4:05 PM Alan: OH
4:05 PM Alan: GOD
4:05 PM Alan: DAMN
4:05 PM Alan: YOU
4:05 PM me: They're starting o make trouble in my neighborhood
4:05 PM me: :-D
4:05 PM Alan: gah
4:05 PM me: Holy shit I'm crying
4:05 PM Alan: really
4:06 PM Alan: yuore a bastard
4:06 PM me: You totally fell for that
4:06 PM me: Oh shit man
4:06 PM me: I gotta run
4:06 PM Alan: i was all concerened even you assface!
4:06 PM Alan: ok
4:06 PM Alan: asshole
4:06 PM me: Gotta go put a cool cloth on my face
4:06 PM me: See you later

October Funnies (Part 2)

October 10, 2008

I'd watch a Western flick that has a lion as the star.

Awesome. I've always wanted to smell like Bobby Bowden.

Jim Cramer is the Billy Mays of the financial world.

What you're looking at folks is a nation boiled down to it's lowest common denominator. And we've all seen what happens when you try and divide by zero.

Man, I was this close to screencapping the Dow losing 404 points on the day.

-404 - Retirement not found.

In other news, shares of Ford Motor Company are currently trading at $2.00 a share. So you can buy a share of the entire company for less than a gallon of gas that you would need to run your Ford Motor Car.

If I can multiply something by one and square it, I have the makings of a financial genius. SUCK MY PEETER, WARREN BUFFETT!

It's a cross between Princess Leia, a furry, and puberty.

It makes me sad in my pants.

October 12, 2008

Oh lord you guys. I just got back from the store with my son, and as we were leaving the parking lot, a rather attractive woman with her two small
children walk in front of the car. He goes "That woman is shakin it."

I said "What?" because I wasn't sure I heard him correctly.

He repeats "That woman is shakin it."

I just started laughing and said, "Yes. Yes she kinda is.

"

October 13, 2008

Nigella Lawson makes my pants fit funny. Wait, is she English? She makes my trousers fit wonky.

(About someone using a toucan beak as a speculum)

Follow your nose! It ALWAYS knows!

(About a cubicle-dweller being likened to a hamster)

Just crawl through the clear plastic tube into his cubicle and sniff his butt. He'll know you're friendly and not try and eat you.

(To a friend who works at a porno store)

Yeah but your work environment is different than mine. "Causal Friday" at my work wouldn't permit chaps (they're all assless) and a ponytail buttplug.

October 14, 2008

I want to be Mayor McCheese, if only so I can taser that bitch-ass Hamburglar.

October 15, 2008

SURPRISE! You just won an all-expenses paid (by you) trip to your local hospital's NICU unit, where you will spend the next three months tending to your infant child on the verge of death! Come marvel at the O2 tent! See the wonder of a defibrillator so small it runs on Duracell batteries!

Hey guys I had cajun eggplant covered in hot sauce for lunch, and I'm already passing what looks like motor oil now and my stomach sounds like a cheap bong. Can I go home now?

Tell them the reason you want to be a cop is because you tasered someone at a party and he peed his pants, and you thought that was the funniest thing you've ever seen and want to laugh like that again.

October 20, 2008

I laughed so hard I almost vomited.

October 22, 2008

(About Motley Crue)

Nothing says bad ass like four junkies in make up setting stuff on fire.

October 21, 2008

In the event of a zombie apocalypse, I'm going to need a samurai sword and a case of Red Bull. Oh, and maybe a blowtorch just for lulz. Wait, cancel the blowtorch and give me one of those boxing gloves on one of those scissory things that makes it shoot out far and fast.

I so want to touch Winona Ryder in an inappropriate manner. Mmm... hot kleptomaniac chicks on anti-wacky medicine.

Actually now that I think about it, Thriller isn't that good to breakdance to. You need shiat like "The Message" and Kurtis Blow - some real old school hip-hop shit. Yeah, EVERYONE listened to Thriller and I know everyone can do the Thriller dance, but I don't remember anyone actually breakin' to it - the beat is just kinda whack for that. Well, maybe the part without the horns - when you get the keyboards pumping that drum beat and synth bass line, you're ready to spin on your head like it's your freakin' job.

Ahh, the early 1980's. Where every show had some ridiculously hot chick, some sort of tricked out vehicle, and 8 times out of 10, a chimpanzee strictly along for the lulz. This is why tv sucks now. Somewhere between Mama's Family and the Golden Girls, we lost touch with what was good with America. :-(

I remember trying out the CB radio when it seemed like on every single show on tv the good guys used the CB as some sort of underground way of spreading justice and fighting crime. I was so disappointed to find out it's was really used for truckers to solicit gay sex and avoid DUI checkpoints. :-(

October 9

For some reason, I was on a roll that day...

October 9, 2008

Me: I think every show on Bravo would be better with tasers.
My friend Max: Inside the Actor's Studio could be great.
Me:I was thinking more of something completely lame like Project Runway. When one of the contestants gets out of line and starts getting really bitchy that old gay man could just tase them.

"What's wrong with my design? No! Tell me what is so..."

tk-tk-tk-tk-tk-tk-tk-tk-tk

"AAAAAHHHHHH"

(About the new Paris Hilton reality show)

I can see why it would be fascinating to watch. But the show just reinforces my belief that humankind would be better off with California lying at the bottom of the Pacific Ocean.

SUP DAWG WE HEARD YOU LIKE POTASSIUM SO WE PUT BANANAS IN YO RIDE

Ok well I won't eat the raw seafood because I will die but I will try cooked and then I will watch anime and learn to speak Japanese and everything will BE SUPER KAWAII ^_^

My friend Max: And Vietnamese food is Chuck Norris in a crowd of nine year olds that are all other cuisines.
Me: Vietnamese food is pretty good, but I don't know if I would go that far. Maybe more like Jackie Chan? Sure it beats most things, but it doesn't beat all, and sometimes it's downright goofy.

Last time I went to Chicago with the ex-wife, we went to this sushi place (Sushi Wabi) in downtown with her hipster friends that live there. It was this uber-pretentious place - you know, warehouse ceiling, lots of hipsters, and even a DJ in a straw cowboy hat spinning "untiss untiss untiss untiss" music for the whole evening. It was great asking the "Hi I'm your waiter, and I'm better than you" guy (maybe girl? I dunno hipsters all look the same) what they had that was cooked. the look on his or her face was priceless. You'd have thought I stood up on the table and took a dump while singing "Raining Blood" by Slayer.

It was so weird being there. My dumb redneck ass with all of these Midwestern hipsters. lololol

Yeah man. My life has been one gigantic Robert Williams reality-meets-surreality experience.

Me: Not sure what the hottest I've ever eaten is. Most of the Indian cuisine I've had has been rather tame, but I have heard that they and the Vietnamese can be exceptionally cruel when it comes to spicy foods. These are the places I use my rule (of testing the heat first before asking for the hottest setting) at, since I don't savor the idea of returning to work from lunch with my face red, lips swollen, and crying with a running nose looking like Michael Irvin at his Hall of Fame speech.
My friend Ellie: I don't think I can take any level past "LEAVE BRITNEY ALONE!" myself...
Me: Chris Crocker is where I like to be, Michael Irvin is sometimes where I wind up. :-(

My tummy made an very unhappy gurgly noise too.

It is demanding a sacrifice of ham and okra and rice and corn. Luckily I brought some of that with me today, or else I'd have to turn my desk into a brazen altar and slaughter a fatted calf right here and now.

No fatted calves availble here (at work), unless you're talking about women's legs.

Would it be ironic to buy a Member's Only jacket at a club that is members only? Or would it just be bad ass?

Ok I don't know why, but I just got this image in my head of the opening scene in 2001: A Space Odyssey with the tribes of monkeys, except they were all office workers and instead of the one monkey beating the other with a femur the one office worker beat the other with a toner cartridge, and when he threw it up in the air, the monolith was in fact a gigantic stack of copy paper.

(About Padma Lakshmi)

Another hottie who proves love maybe blind, but it can smell money a mile away.

I got a bag of Herr's (local PA brand) Fiery Ranch that had an image of a red hot pepper playing an Explorer-style guitar in front of a tub of white stuff and all I could think of was "Yeah, Metallica really is kinda gay now."

Oh, and I've actually been to the Herr's factory.

My old roommate and this girl he was banging decided they were going to go to the Herr's Factory one day and invited me. They couldn't understand why I was so excited. We got there and took the tour, seeing the big chip kettles and potato slicers and crap. It was cool, but I was pretty disappointed because I didn't get to see how they made the cars that you put coffins in.

Metallica started sucking when they ran out of music to steal from Dave Mustaine.

Who needs retirement when you can just work until you fall over at your desk dead?

October Funnies (Part 1)

October 1, 2008

One of my coworkers has a Tribble that she was showing off to me yesterday. It was weird. I didn't want to touch it. Apparently it vibrated. It made me very sad in my heart.

Damn I'm not that cheap, am I? I'd totally pay the difference for the bill and I'd even buy the condoms.

I went to a Renaissance Faire once. My cousin got married there. It was really weird. I decided to go home when the axe throwing guy wouldn't let me try.

I don't know if I'd want anyone lol'ing at me if I used chemical warfare on Mr. Happy.

I'd take it seriously because there are people with swords and axes and crap, and the last thing I want 500 people drunk on homemade mead to re-enact is the last scene in Braveheart where I wind up having my head chopped off and stuck on a pike.

My friend Dena: We (women) always feel smug and superior after sex anyway.
Me: I usually feel like a shower and a nap afterwards.

Was it a movie about a lonely pizza delivery guy who delivers an extra large sausage pizza to a sorority house?
I love that movie. The jazz-disco soundtrack was groundbreaking
for it's time.

I'll bet I've heard of most of those people I've never heard of.

(About porno pictures from Gimps Gone Wild)

My friend Dena: Why does that man not have testicles?
Me: I think that's the least of his worries.

October 2, 2008

My friend Max: I thought blathering about nothing at all was pretty much the charter of the GG.
Me: We're like one big episode of Seinfeld, but only we're funny.

October 3, 2008

(About an article about a jogger who was shot and killed)

"She was a woman with a huge heart and a huge brain, compassionate and wise beyond her years," said a friend, San Francisco lawyer Ben Rosenfeld.

I don't think the part about her having a huge brain holds true anymore after having her head blown off, Ben.

October 4, 2008

Dude you live in Minnesota, right? I was under the impression that Minnesota was like Canada Jr. when it came to hockey - like people would talk about it all the time and there'd be a hockey channel on tv and like everyone owns a set of pads and sticks just in case a hockey game breaks out...

October 6, 2008

I ate 2 chicken and cheese quesadillas last night for dinner and by the time I went to bed my stomach was swollen like one of those Ethiopian kids that hasn't eaten anything in a month.

I would have then resembled one of those toys you buy at Spencer's where you squeeze it and a little brown bubble comes out of the butt. Except it wouldn't have been a bubble, it'd have been poop. And it wouldn't have gone back in when you let up on the pressure.

"Daddy, why is that lady pushing on your tummy making you poop?"

"Go watch football, son."

I love going to my ex-wife's neighborhood because it is the epitome of why the US economy is in the toilet right now. The townhouses there go from
$175k on up, and the regular houses in the development behind her start at $300k. The school system is shiat, the traffic is horrible, the entire area
is becoming more and more crime ridden, and oh yeah, most everyone drives around in those huge ass Hummers and SUV's and I look at them and go "How in the hell can you afford this? If you really could afford a $50K vehicle and $200K townhome, wouldn't you want to live someplace nicer than here?"

Also because when I go there, I start singing that Elvis son "In The Ghetto" and it makes me laugh.

(About the movie Edward Penishands)

It's a cinematic experience - a classic love story told with eloquence and starring some of the greatest thespians of our era.

Internet libertarians aren't people. They're bots.

My friend Matt: So . . . I thought about going as the 'free candy' van for halloween, but the GF (who thinks it's hysterical) thinks some people might not think it's all that funny. What say you?
Me: Only if she goes as Chris Hanson

I always shy away from taking the funny from the internet to real life. I mean I would see that and laugh, and if I was with a friend, they'd ask me and I'd say "Well, this is funny on the internet, and he's brought it into real life, which in and of itself is funny, but the reference isn't funny since it's not online." and my friend would look at me funny, and I would feel awkward and funny and it wouldn't really be funny but I'd still be laughing.

I dunno. Something like that.

(About Halloween costumes)

My son is going as a Jedi. I am going to go as a broken, lonely, neurotic man with a hat.

Anyone have a hat I can borrow?

October 8, 2008

(About a topless doughnut shop)

I would advise against eating anything with the word "glazed" in the name.

(About Jamie-Lynn Spears being pregnant for a second time)

That boyfriend of hers must have Michael Phelps-like sperm.

Great. Now I have and image of Lionel Richie trapping some girl on the ceiling with what I can only describe as like a Spider-Man-esque webbing made from Lionel's own genetic distribution stuck in my head.

My friend Max: I wonder if the 'DNA' strands would form helixes as they dried . . .
Me: Dunno. I usually shower after covering myself in my own DNA.

Dick Cheney is our very own Palpatine, minus the wrinkles and (hopefully) force lightning.

Not sure which I'd rather have... Chocolate *mouse* cake or Chocolate *moose* cake.

Probably neither since I don't like chocolate.

(About taking the little one hiking)

I've taught (my son) important things , like how to tell what sticks make good walking sticks and how to pee in the bushes.

October 6 Rant

This was, mind you, a couple weeks before the big stock market implosion.

Anyone wonder what it was like living in the fall of Rome? Wonder no more. We even have our very own Nero who read to schoolchildren while the Twin Towers burned, played golf while New Orleans drowned, and looked the other way while Wall Street raped every man, woman, and child who were not CEO's of Fortune 500 companies.

This country used to be great. It used to be a land of opportunity for everyone, where anyone could make it big if they worked hard. Now, all of the opportunity has been shipped overseas and the only people who can make it big are those who either have already made it big or those unscrupulous enough to lie, cheat, steal, and f*ck people over in a never-ending quest for more. Thanks to this quest I will not be able to retire ever, since my pension was discontinued in 2004 and instead replaced with the option of me to take money from my own paycheck and put it in the stock market. F*cking brilliant idea that was, except no one could answer me when I asked what would happen when the market crashed and inflation made the money I had stashed away meager even in the best case scenario. No one had a answer when I said that if you had offered someone a $100,000 retirement severance when they started in 1977 that they would have jumped all over it because in 1977 you could live rather well and for a long time on $100,000. However now when that person is getting ready to retire with that $100,000, they're looking at picking up a part-time gig greeting folks at Wal-Mart because it's either that or go without.

I used to love this country. I absolutely hate what it has become.

tl;dr - F*ck America