Wednesday, October 8, 2008

October Funnies (Part 1)

October 1, 2008

One of my coworkers has a Tribble that she was showing off to me yesterday. It was weird. I didn't want to touch it. Apparently it vibrated. It made me very sad in my heart.

Damn I'm not that cheap, am I? I'd totally pay the difference for the bill and I'd even buy the condoms.

I went to a Renaissance Faire once. My cousin got married there. It was really weird. I decided to go home when the axe throwing guy wouldn't let me try.

I don't know if I'd want anyone lol'ing at me if I used chemical warfare on Mr. Happy.

I'd take it seriously because there are people with swords and axes and crap, and the last thing I want 500 people drunk on homemade mead to re-enact is the last scene in Braveheart where I wind up having my head chopped off and stuck on a pike.

My friend Dena: We (women) always feel smug and superior after sex anyway.
Me: I usually feel like a shower and a nap afterwards.

Was it a movie about a lonely pizza delivery guy who delivers an extra large sausage pizza to a sorority house?
I love that movie. The jazz-disco soundtrack was groundbreaking
for it's time.

I'll bet I've heard of most of those people I've never heard of.

(About porno pictures from Gimps Gone Wild)
My friend Dena: Why does that man not have testicles?
Me: I think that's the least of his worries.

October 2, 2008

My friend Max: I thought blathering about nothing at all was pretty much the charter of the GG.
Me: We're like one big episode of Seinfeld, but only we're funny.

October 3, 2008

(About an article about a jogger who was shot and killed)
"She was a woman with a huge heart and a huge brain, compassionate and wise beyond her years," said a friend, San Francisco lawyer Ben Rosenfeld.

I don't think the part about her having a huge brain holds true anymore after having her head blown off, Ben.

October 4, 2008

Dude you live in Minnesota, right? I was under the impression that Minnesota was like Canada Jr. when it came to hockey - like people would talk about it all the time and there'd be a hockey channel on tv and like everyone owns a set of pads and sticks just in case a hockey game breaks out...

October 6, 2008

I ate 2 chicken and cheese quesadillas last night for dinner and by the time I went to bed my stomach was swollen like one of those Ethiopian kids that hasn't eaten anything in a month.

I would have then resembled one of those toys you buy at Spencer's where you squeeze it and a little brown bubble comes out of the butt. Except it wouldn't have been a bubble, it'd have been poop. And it wouldn't have gone back in when you let up on the pressure.

"Daddy, why is that lady pushing on your tummy making you poop?"

"Go watch football, son."

I love going to my ex-wife's neighborhood because it is the epitome of why the US economy is in the toilet right now. The townhouses there go from
$175k on up, and the regular houses in the development behind her start at $300k. The school system is shiat, the traffic is horrible, the entire area
is becoming more and more crime ridden, and oh yeah, most everyone drives around in those huge ass Hummers and SUV's and I look at them and go "How in the hell can you afford this? If you really could afford a $50K vehicle and $200K townhome, wouldn't you want to live someplace nicer than here?"

Also because when I go there, I start singing that Elvis son "In The Ghetto" and it makes me laugh.

(About the movie Edward Penishands)
It's a cinematic experience - a classic love story told with eloquence and starring some of the greatest thespians of our era.

Internet libertarians aren't people. They're bots.

My friend Matt: So . . . I thought about going as the 'free candy' van for halloween, but the GF (who thinks it's hysterical) thinks some people might not think it's all that funny. What say you?
Me: Only if she goes as Chris Hanson

I always shy away from taking the funny from the internet to real life. I mean I would see that and laugh, and if I was with a friend, they'd ask me and I'd say "Well, this is funny on the internet, and he's brought it into real life, which in and of itself is funny, but the reference isn't funny since it's not online." and my friend would look at me funny, and I would feel awkward and funny and it wouldn't really be funny but I'd still be laughing.

I dunno. Something like that.

(About Halloween costumes)
My son is going as a Jedi. I am going to go as a broken, lonely, neurotic man with a hat.

Anyone have a hat I can borrow?

October 8, 2008

(About a topless doughnut shop)
I would advise against eating anything with the word "glazed" in the name.

(About Jamie-Lynn Spears being pregnant for a second time)
That boyfriend of hers must have Michael Phelps-like sperm.

Great. Now I have and image of Lionel Richie trapping some girl on the ceiling with what I can only describe as like a Spider-Man-esque webbing made from Lionel's own genetic distribution stuck in my head.

My friend Max: I wonder if the 'DNA' strands would form helixes as they dried . . .
Me: Dunno. I usually shower after covering myself in my own DNA.

Dick Cheney is our very own Palpatine, minus the wrinkles and (hopefully) force lightning.

Not sure which I'd rather have... Chocolate *mouse* cake or Chocolate *moose* cake.

Probably neither since I don't like chocolate.

(About taking the little one hiking)
I've taught (my son) important things , like how to tell what sticks make good walking sticks and how to pee in the bushes.

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