Tuesday, October 21, 2008

October Funnies (Part 2)

October 10, 2008

I'd watch a Western flick that has a lion as the star.

Awesome. I've always wanted to smell like Bobby Bowden.

Jim Cramer is the Billy Mays of the financial world.

What you're looking at folks is a nation boiled down to it's lowest common denominator. And we've all seen what happens when you try and divide by zero.

Man, I was this close to screencapping the Dow losing 404 points on the day.

-404 - Retirement not found.

In other news, shares of Ford Motor Company are currently trading at $2.00 a share. So you can buy a share of the entire company for less than a gallon of gas that you would need to run your Ford Motor Car.

If I can multiply something by one and square it, I have the makings of a financial genius. SUCK MY PEETER, WARREN BUFFETT!

It's a cross between Princess Leia, a furry, and puberty.

It makes me sad in my pants.

October 12, 2008

Oh lord you guys. I just got back from the store with my son, and as we were leaving the parking lot, a rather attractive woman with her two small
children walk in front of the car. He goes "That woman is shakin it."

I said "What?" because I wasn't sure I heard him correctly.

He repeats "That woman is shakin it."

I just started laughing and said, "Yes. Yes she kinda is.

October 13, 2008

Nigella Lawson makes my pants fit funny. Wait, is she English? She makes my trousers fit wonky.

(About someone using a toucan beak as a speculum)
Follow your nose! It ALWAYS knows!

(About a cubicle-dweller being likened to a hamster)
Just crawl through the clear plastic tube into his cubicle and sniff his butt. He'll know you're friendly and not try and eat you.

(To a friend who works at a porno store)
Yeah but your work environment is different than mine. "Causal Friday" at my work wouldn't permit chaps (they're all assless) and a ponytail buttplug.

October 14, 2008

I want to be Mayor McCheese, if only so I can taser that bitch-ass Hamburglar.

October 15, 2008

SURPRISE! You just won an all-expenses paid (by you) trip to your local hospital's NICU unit, where you will spend the next three months tending to your infant child on the verge of death! Come marvel at the O2 tent! See the wonder of a defibrillator so small it runs on Duracell batteries!

Hey guys I had cajun eggplant covered in hot sauce for lunch, and I'm already passing what looks like motor oil now and my stomach sounds like a cheap bong. Can I go home now?

Tell them the reason you want to be a cop is because you tasered someone at a party and he peed his pants, and you thought that was the funniest thing you've ever seen and want to laugh like that again.

October 20, 2008

I laughed so hard I almost vomited.

October 22, 2008

(About Motley Crue)
Nothing says bad ass like four junkies in make up setting stuff on fire.

October 21, 2008

In the event of a zombie apocalypse, I'm going to need a samurai sword and a case of Red Bull. Oh, and maybe a blowtorch just for lulz. Wait, cancel the blowtorch and give me one of those boxing gloves on one of those scissory things that makes it shoot out far and fast.

I so want to touch Winona Ryder in an inappropriate manner. Mmm... hot kleptomaniac chicks on anti-wacky medicine.

Actually now that I think about it, Thriller isn't that good to breakdance to. You need shiat like "The Message" and Kurtis Blow - some real old school hip-hop shit. Yeah, EVERYONE listened to Thriller and I know everyone can do the Thriller dance, but I don't remember anyone actually breakin' to it - the beat is just kinda whack for that. Well, maybe the part without the horns - when you get the keyboards pumping that drum beat and synth bass line, you're ready to spin on your head like it's your freakin' job.

Ahh, the early 1980's. Where every show had some ridiculously hot chick, some sort of tricked out vehicle, and 8 times out of 10, a chimpanzee strictly along for the lulz. This is why tv sucks now. Somewhere between Mama's Family and the Golden Girls, we lost touch with what was good with America. :-(

I remember trying out the CB radio when it seemed like on every single show on tv the good guys used the CB as some sort of underground way of spreading justice and fighting crime. I was so disappointed to find out it's was really used for truckers to solicit gay sex and avoid DUI checkpoints. :-(

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