Thursday, October 9, 2008

October 9

For some reason, I was on a roll that day...

October 9, 2008

Me: I think every show on Bravo would be better with tasers.
My friend Max: Inside the Actor's Studio could be great.
Me:I was thinking more of something completely lame like Project Runway. When one of the contestants gets out of line and starts getting really bitchy that old gay man could just tase them.

"What's wrong with my design? No! Tell me what is so..."



(About the new Paris Hilton reality show)
I can see why it would be fascinating to watch. But the show just reinforces my belief that humankind would be better off with California lying at the bottom of the Pacific Ocean.


Ok well I won't eat the raw seafood because I will die but I will try cooked and then I will watch anime and learn to speak Japanese and everything will BE SUPER KAWAII ^_^

My friend Max: And Vietnamese food is Chuck Norris in a crowd of nine year olds that are all other cuisines.
Me: Vietnamese food is pretty good, but I don't know if I would go that far. Maybe more like Jackie Chan? Sure it beats most things, but it doesn't beat all, and sometimes it's downright goofy.

Last time I went to Chicago with the ex-wife, we went to this sushi place (Sushi Wabi) in downtown with her hipster friends that live there. It was this uber-pretentious place - you know, warehouse ceiling, lots of hipsters, and even a DJ in a straw cowboy hat spinning "untiss untiss untiss untiss" music for the whole evening. It was great asking the "Hi I'm your waiter, and I'm better than you" guy (maybe girl? I dunno hipsters all look the same) what they had that was cooked. the look on his or her face was priceless. You'd have thought I stood up on the table and took a dump while singing "Raining Blood" by Slayer.

It was so weird being there. My dumb redneck ass with all of these Midwestern hipsters. lololol

Yeah man. My life has been one gigantic Robert Williams reality-meets-surreality experience.

Me: Not sure what the hottest I've ever eaten is. Most of the Indian cuisine I've had has been rather tame, but I have heard that they and the Vietnamese can be exceptionally cruel when it comes to spicy foods. These are the places I use my rule (of testing the heat first before asking for the hottest setting) at, since I don't savor the idea of returning to work from lunch with my face red, lips swollen, and crying with a running nose looking like Michael Irvin at his Hall of Fame speech.
My friend Ellie: I don't think I can take any level past "LEAVE BRITNEY ALONE!" myself...
Me: Chris Crocker is where I like to be, Michael Irvin is sometimes where I wind up. :-(

My tummy made an very unhappy gurgly noise too.

It is demanding a sacrifice of ham and okra and rice and corn. Luckily I brought some of that with me today, or else I'd have to turn my desk into a brazen altar and slaughter a fatted calf right here and now.

No fatted calves availble here (at work), unless you're talking about women's legs.

Would it be ironic to buy a Member's Only jacket at a club that is members only? Or would it just be bad ass?

Ok I don't know why, but I just got this image in my head of the opening scene in 2001: A Space Odyssey with the tribes of monkeys, except they were all office workers and instead of the one monkey beating the other with a femur the one office worker beat the other with a toner cartridge, and when he threw it up in the air, the monolith was in fact a gigantic stack of copy paper.

(About Padma Lakshmi)
Another hottie who proves love maybe blind, but it can smell money a mile away.

I got a bag of Herr's (local PA brand) Fiery Ranch that had an image of a red hot pepper playing an Explorer-style guitar in front of a tub of white stuff and all I could think of was "Yeah, Metallica really is kinda gay now."

Oh, and I've actually been to the Herr's factory.

My old roommate and this girl he was banging decided they were going to go to the Herr's Factory one day and invited me. They couldn't understand why I was so excited. We got there and took the tour, seeing the big chip kettles and potato slicers and crap. It was cool, but I was pretty disappointed because I didn't get to see how they made the cars that you put coffins in.

Metallica started sucking when they ran out of music to steal from Dave Mustaine.

Who needs retirement when you can just work until you fall over at your desk dead?

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