Wednesday, December 31, 2008

December Funnies (Part 3)

December 26, 2008

My friend Sam: Happy boxing day.
Me: A day to celebrate Mike Tyson? AWESOME!

I'm going to talk all high pitched today and maybe get a tattoo on my face later!

About the band in Jabba's Palace in Return of the Jedi:
The group are classified as jizz-wailers, which, according to the Star Wars Encyclopedia , refers to a "musician who plays a fast, contemporary, and upbeat style of music."

I jizz-wailed a little bit ago, but it had nothing to do with Star Wars or music.

December 29, 2008

The Browns were named after Paul Brown. Then they moved to Baltimore to become the Ravens and actually win. Then the NFL started a new team in Cleveland to continue on with the Browns tradition of playing like absolute ass.

The Buffalo Bills were named after Buffalo Bill who contrary to popular belief, did not die of kidney failure. He instead died of choking on man-meat courtesy of some Giant(s) Redskins and Cowboys.

December 30, 2009

They should make tard roads specifically for the SpEds to drive on. They could put up giant plastic bumpers along the side of the road like when they take the tards bowling, and could even make the cars that drive on the tard roads sort of a cross between go-karts and bumper cars.

And of course everyone on the tard road will need to wear their hockey helmets.

My friend Ellie: Yay, I can make fun of the doctor instead of Speech Rec! From a labor and delivery admission report:
"She did have a previous vaginal delivery in 2006, a 2-year-old that weighed 8 pounds 5 ounces and was healthy and active."
She delivered a two-year-old? I'll BET he was active!
Me: If she waited 2 years to deliver, I'll bet you could fit a tuba into her vagina.

Bloody lol?

I just imagined Count von Count going "AH AH AH AH" with blood all over the place like some Cannibal Corpse album cover. It was pretty awesome.

When your parents are a hardcore atheist and a Buddhist, a Seventh-Day Adventist church-run daycare isn't the place for you.

I've never had the pleasure of flying over Ohio - I've always had the misfortune of driving through it. :-(

Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Driving in Pennsylvania Rant

Have I ever told you guys how awful driving in rural Pennsylvania is? Imagine this - as soon as you leave your state with fairly nice roads, you're magically transported to the transportation anus of the world. Imagine roads like you'd see in Somalia - roads that haven't been repaved or taken care of in years. There are no shoulders on the roads - usually just steep embankments about half as high as your car or higher just inches off of the side of the road. Everyone drives either 30 mph over or 30 mph under the speed limit, so you'll be hauling ass along what appears to be a similar track to Space Mountain to keep yourself from being run the fuck over by a semi truck only to have to jam on your brakes to avoid ass-ending some jackoff going 15 down a state road. Good luck trying to find anything because apparently PennDOT is too god damned cheap to pay for street signs, so you're forced to rely on directions like "Go past the building that looks like it was bombed and then make a left at the traffic sticks. Then make a right at the fourth cornfield - that's the one with the cow with three legs."

tl;dr - Fuck PennDOT and fuck driving in PA

And a little later

Most people fail to realize that just because you don't wreck your car and annihilate half a county on the way to the Acme doesn't mean you're a good driver. It means you didn't kill anyone this time.

Rant About a Persistant Hardware Sales Company

Dear Company Representative,

Please stop calling me, IM'ing me, e-mailing me, or otherwise trying to contact me in any way shape or form every five minutes regarding the purchase order I put in less than an hour ago. Yes, I realize that it's for a lot of money - that's part of why it took so long for it to get entered, because no one wants to be the guy that fucked up a job of that size, especially me. Yes, I also understand that this is on a deadline, however please realize that as soon as I had all necessary information I sent it off to the appropriate person. No, it probably hasn't been looked at yet, and there's nothing I can do about it. The only person that can do anything with this is the VP, and he's skiing in Vail. I value my job too much to try and bother him while he's on the slopes, so kindly fuck off and leave me the fuck alone before I punch you right in the dick, hopefully ensuring someone as annoying as you can't possibly procreate.

Eat shit asshole,


(p.s. while I was typing this, the dickhead IM'ed me again.)

Thursday, December 25, 2008

December Funnies (Part 2)

December 11, 2008

(About the show Parking Wars)
It's a show on A&E where they follow people who work at the Philadelphia Parking Authority doing various jobs - ticketing cars, booting cars, working at the impound lot. I love it. They had some guy last night who was yelling at the booters not to boot his daughters car, even after they told him they weren't going to boot it and that she needed to call the DMV to get things straightened out. At one point he made a move at the cameraman like he was going to hit him, and all I could think is "Holy shit, that is one giant pissed off retard."
The PPA isn't exactly known for being friendly, so it's kinda odd seeing them as people doing their jobs instead of marauding pirates that rob the general population.

December 12, 2008

(About looking for the movies Zombie Strippers and Lost Boys: The Tribe)

Two things I'll have to look for on Pirate Bay. :-)
Actually three things if you include swap 2 - Electric Puke and Poo

My friend Dena: I could have turned out like one of those bad SciFi movies where everyone in it thinks they're all doing something oscar-worthy.
Me: I thought you liked Star Trek
My friend Dena: Not particularly :) Where in the world would you get the idea that I did?
Me: I dunno. I just kind of assumed. Which made an ass out of you and me. But then again I'm always an ass, so now you're like me.


December 16, 2008

My friend Ellie: Yeah. I'm just ranting. I hear it's en vogue. :)
Me: Ranting is a mildly successful mid-90's R&B girl group?

(About a Romanian blood transfusion patient)
I just got an image of Count Dracula with one of those baseball hats with the dual straw thingies and 2 pints of blood strapped to the top.

December 22, 2008

Mold. It's good for your spores.

This is why putting "regular Joe American" in power is a bad idea.

Because regular Joe American is a fucking moron.

I just got back from a work party. It was ok, except my co-workers were there.

December 23, 2008

(About chihuahuas)
There is nothing ok about a breed of dog that it's sole purposes in life are to:

a.) constantly make yipping sounds
b.) piss all over everything
3.) shake like a crackhead

Yeah it's great being interested in a girl only to hear her talk about going to Disney with her husband and kids, or about how supportive her boyfriend is, or how she'd date you if you didn't have kids. Why sometimes I have to pinch myself just so I don't think I'm dreaming.

This makes my pee pee sad.

You Can Get ANYTHING At Amazon

12:48 PM me: OH MY GOD
12:49 PM me: If you look up "slaves" on amazon, there are 68 listings under "Home Improvement"
12:49 PM me: So wrong...

Then later on...

I think for fun, I'm going to start a prank wishlist. The items will be:

a ski mask
duct tape
a gun
a giant sack
a book on "How to rob a bank"

Alan and Me Vol. 3

I tried to come up with some sort of preface for this, but I just can't.

10:51 AM me: I'm so glad I'm working from home
10:51 AM me: I think I just threw up out of my butt
10:51 AM me: It was like I was hiding a gallon of chocolate milk
11:09 AM Alan: yesterday i buttpuked such a large turd i sang an ode to it called Chocolate Brain
11:10 AM me: lol
11:10 AM me: Dude this was seriously gnarly
11:10 AM me: I had to sprint back to the bathroom because i thought I was done, but I wasn't
11:10 AM me: Seriously, I don't remember drinking a gallon of coffee yesterday

Monday, December 15, 2008

Conversation with M

M is a good friend of mine. hSe gets hit on by creeps and doesn't afraid of anything...

12:03 PM M: zomg
12:03 PM M: friend sent me $350
12:04 PM me: nice!
12:05 PM M: yeah
12:05 PM M: it's a farker
12:05 PM M: :\
12:06 PM me: hehe why doesn't that surprise me?
12:07 PM me: Get him to send me some $ too
12:07 PM M: :(
12:07 PM M: he wants me to move out to california
12:08 PM H: says he has a plane ticket for me whenever I want it
12:08 PM M: I didn't believe him, so he sent me $350 to prove he was serious
12:08 PM me: That's kinda creepy

Later on

12:29 PM M: :( the green shoes are the only ones left :(
12:29 PM M:
12:29 PM M: sfw
12:29 PM me: Maybe your friend bought the other pairs and has them waiting for you in his basement.
12:29 PM M: you're a bastard
12:29 PM M: I <3 you

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Alan and Me

My friend Alan and I have interesting conversations. At least they're interesting to me. And possibly to him, too.

Mind you, these are usually while I'm at work.

December 10, 2008

12:46 PM me: I can't wait to go home
12:47 PM I haven't had internet at home since Friday and I got it turned back on today.
I'll never catch up

1:24 PM me: I need one of those 800 Gig external Hard drives
1:27 PM Who knew there were so many naked women on the internet?
Alan: well to be fair , 40% of all nudes are jenna jameson
1:28 PM me: another 5% are copies of tubgirl

4:10 PM me: I wonder if fleas ever have fleasomes.

December 9, 2008

8:32 AM Alan: Fran Drescher is going to run for the Senate. :-/
8:34 AM me: She could run for Majority Whip.
8:41 AM me: Ok I'm not really sure what that meant, but whatever.
8:42 AM Alan: lol
hold on im making euphemisisms for people who like to have sex with plants
8:43 AM me: Makin Terri Schiavo groan

December 5, 2008

10:46 AM Alan: reading an article about a dude who fapped to death
me: wat
11:23 AM me: I suppose you think that story is funny.
11:30 AM Alan: :-/
n dude i always laugh with you
me: lol
Does that story mean I attempted suicide this morning?

Damn, we've been bland thus far. Usually it's all about anatomically correct dinosaurs and jokes about retarded kids shitting themselves.

December Funnies (Part 1)

December 1, 2008

I got an e-mail from the director of one of the organizations here that said "pls help" twice earlier. I wasn't sure on the directions, and it took almost all of my willpower to not respond simply

This Christmas, I'm going to give the clap. It's the gift that keeps on dripping.

December 2, 2008

In-N-Out tastes like it's been in-n-out of someone's ass.

December 3, 2008

(About astronaut ice-cream)
I wonder since it's dehydrated - if you ate enough of it if you would poop pink, white, and brown dust?

I dunno what a Gelfling is, but I'll bet if you fed it the right things it would look like a tractor trailer slammed on the brakes in the Gelfling's underpants.

December 10, 2008

Some of the world's greatest minds have been called crazy. Then again, they call the guy at the 7-Eleven that smells like pee and talks to the light pole crazy too...

I know why they tell you not to drink and drive - because when you throw up on yourself while driving, you still have to finish driving home in your own puke.

LiveJournal is for 15 year old Russian emo kids.

Know what's awesome? Putting a Taser on your Amazon wishlist.
Know what's awesome-r? Getting someone to buy you the Taser on your Amazon wishlist.

I'm Matt from New Jersey and I lost 6 pounds when my head exploded like JFK while I was on Hydroxycut!

I guess I've got big balls, just like Bon Scott. Hopefully I can use the powers granted to me by my massive testicles to avoid choking to death on my own vomit.

Excuse me, no one is allowed to talk to me when I have my dick in my hand.

At work, there are only 2 urinals and 2 toilets, so sometimes it's unavoidable having someone pissing next to you. And I'm ok with that because there's no other alternative. But I really hate it when guys start talking to me about my plans for the weekend or what I did last night when I'm holding my cock because it's hard to talk about what I want to do this weekend without turning and yelling "STUFFING THIS INTO SOME BROAD'S MOUTH"

See that doesn't bother me. I almost want people to hear me. It's like yeah, motherfucker I'm taking a giant shit, and you have to stand there and listen to me annihilate this toilet. You have to try and hold your breath and not inhale the noxious fumes coming from my asshole. Enjoy being a Kurd to my Saddam Hussein, dickhead.
When I take a crap, Satan cries a little.

(To a friend about letting his nine-year-old son watch The Dark Knight)
I haven't seen it, but unless you feel comfortable discussing why Heath Ledger shoves a pencil up his ass with him I would vote "no".