Wednesday, December 10, 2008

December Funnies (Part 1)

December 1, 2008

I got an e-mail from the director of one of the organizations here that said "pls help" twice earlier. I wasn't sure on the directions, and it took almost all of my willpower to not respond simply

This Christmas, I'm going to give the clap. It's the gift that keeps on dripping.

December 2, 2008

In-N-Out tastes like it's been in-n-out of someone's ass.

December 3, 2008

(About astronaut ice-cream)
I wonder since it's dehydrated - if you ate enough of it if you would poop pink, white, and brown dust?

I dunno what a Gelfling is, but I'll bet if you fed it the right things it would look like a tractor trailer slammed on the brakes in the Gelfling's underpants.

December 10, 2008

Some of the world's greatest minds have been called crazy. Then again, they call the guy at the 7-Eleven that smells like pee and talks to the light pole crazy too...

I know why they tell you not to drink and drive - because when you throw up on yourself while driving, you still have to finish driving home in your own puke.

LiveJournal is for 15 year old Russian emo kids.

Know what's awesome? Putting a Taser on your Amazon wishlist.
Know what's awesome-r? Getting someone to buy you the Taser on your Amazon wishlist.

I'm Matt from New Jersey and I lost 6 pounds when my head exploded like JFK while I was on Hydroxycut!

I guess I've got big balls, just like Bon Scott. Hopefully I can use the powers granted to me by my massive testicles to avoid choking to death on my own vomit.

Excuse me, no one is allowed to talk to me when I have my dick in my hand.

At work, there are only 2 urinals and 2 toilets, so sometimes it's unavoidable having someone pissing next to you. And I'm ok with that because there's no other alternative. But I really hate it when guys start talking to me about my plans for the weekend or what I did last night when I'm holding my cock because it's hard to talk about what I want to do this weekend without turning and yelling "STUFFING THIS INTO SOME BROAD'S MOUTH"

See that doesn't bother me. I almost want people to hear me. It's like yeah, motherfucker I'm taking a giant shit, and you have to stand there and listen to me annihilate this toilet. You have to try and hold your breath and not inhale the noxious fumes coming from my asshole. Enjoy being a Kurd to my Saddam Hussein, dickhead.
When I take a crap, Satan cries a little.

(To a friend about letting his nine-year-old son watch The Dark Knight)
I haven't seen it, but unless you feel comfortable discussing why Heath Ledger shoves a pencil up his ass with him I would vote "no".

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