Thursday, July 17, 2008

July Funnies (Part 2)

July 11, 2008

(About uncomfortable situations at work)
I think perhaps instead I'll just bring up something equally as uncomfortable and see where it goes from there.
"Yeah sucks about that. By the way, did I tell you about my divorce?"
"I heard. That's too bad. Hey, did I tell you my kid crapped out a turd the size of a beer can the other day?"
"Isn't that a shame? Hey, did I tell you I masturbated before work this morning?"

July 12, 2008

Do you currently have a mustache? This is important if you're going to become a cop.

July 14, 2008

In some countries, they're not nice enough to put you in jail. They'll just beat your ass and shoot you.

(About "Tuckerizing")
That's when Disney makes a giant flop of a movie about your life.

If you dream of me, then I am really, really sorry.

What happened was that I won the internets and banned the stupid for today. That's why there was dancing. Well, the stupid folks weren't dancing... They were crying. But the rest of us were doing the foxtrot in a river of stupid tears.

July 15, 2008

(To a friend who said he was drinking tea)
Pinko. Real Americans drink coffee straight from the oil pan of a Ford or Chevrolet. Go drink your tea, comrade.

My friend Max: Neil Patrick Harris, Nathan Fillon, and Felicia Day in a musical about a mad scientist with a blog? All put together by Joss Wheden?
Me: That is all you. Personally, I'd rather be hung from the ceiling and beaten like a pinata than watch that.

July 16, 2008

My friend Sarah: That was me yesterday. I was doing a lot of random math. Like working out EXACTLY how long it would take me to pay off the car I want.
Me: That's not exactly random though. Random math would be trying to figure out how much Antarctica weighs or when *Chinese Democracy* is going to come out...

My friend Sam: Hey American ladies, guess what? The department of health and human resources is trying to call contraception abortion!
Me: By that reasoning, did I commit abortion in the shower this morning?
My friend Sam: Every sperm is sacred. Every sperm is great. If a sperm is wasted...
Me: I commit genocide in the shower. lol

My friend Max: Yes. Because my dinner is probably going to be late and I'll have to listen to her bitch and stuff. GOD.
My friend Ellie (Max's wife): *narrows eyes*
Me: Max say: Res. Becrause my dinner probabry going to be rate and I'rr have to risten to her bitch and stuff. GOD!

July 17, 2008

Hrm. I never thought about the consequences of actually *firing* mah lazer. I know that it's pretty damn awesome when I'm chargin it, but I never thought about the aftermath of shoopin' da whoop.
I guess I've grown up a little today.

my anti-drug.

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