Thursday, July 10, 2008

July Funnies (Part 1)

July 2, 2008

(When asked for a vegetarian recipe, I offered this:)
1 vegetarian
2 lbs garlic
9 onions
40 lbs potatoes

Chop, mix and sautee garlic and onions. Chop and mash potatoes. When garlic and onions are brown, mix in with potatoes. When mixture is consistent, stuff vegetarian and set in the oven at 375 F for 6 hours.

There's not much you can do with Mongolia as far as jokes. Barbecue, beef, and Khan are about it. It's not like Ulaan Bataar is an exceptionally humorous place, you know?

July 4, 2008

Nothing says "America - Fuck Yeah!" like Chris Hansen telling people to "Have a seat over there."

July 5, 2008

My friend Chris: Goddamn I'm bored. I really should do something with my life.
Me: Get a whole bunch of kittens and give them out to kids at a park. Without telling their parents.

July 7, 2008

You guys know I don't watch movies. I don't really keep up with them, and know very little about them in general, especially newer movies.
I decided for the ex-wife's birthday in May to get her a movie night, where I'd buy her a DVD and some microwaveable popcorn and some candy or something. Just something I could write my son's name on and hand it to her and forget
I picked the movie "Sideways". I seriously had no idea it was about a guy going through a divorce who finds out his ex-wife is dating someone. I thought it was about wine.

July 8, 2008

(About elves and magical powers)
They can be anything you want because they're make-believe.

Hooray for documented evidence that people are f*cking retarded!

I was asked to write a FAQ for the website I'm designing. Upon hearing this assignment, I asked "What exactly do we do here?" in the meeting. A couple days later I had a nice FAQ written for me to cut and paste onto the site.

July 9, 2008

I had a pet rat once. It bit me, so I threw it out the window of my apartment. The next night there were like eleventy cats sitting outside my window looking up, probably hoping for more manna from heaven. I lived on the first floor, so it was a 6 foot drop at most. It's not like I lived on the 9th floor and ya know, dropped the equivalent of a living water balloon out the window.

I remember where I used to work, people asking when I was going to get married. Well, I got married, and they started asking when I was going to have a child. Well, I had a child, and they started asking when I was going to have another. Well, I got divorced. I showed them!

I'm so angry I could vomit.

(About people who claim to be Native Americans)
Howcome everyone's "totem animal" is a wolf or a bear or some shiat like that. Howcome no one ever goes "My totem animal is a pigeon." or "My totem animal is a cow."? And what's with people claiming to be Native American when they're like 1/256 Cherokee or something? Does that one part *really *give you some sort of magical powers, other than the ability to drink vodka like it's your job?

July 10, 2008

I didn't know there was a hierarchy. Is it like baseball, where you have like Rookie Leagues, Low A, High A, Double A, and Triple A before you get to the pros? Are there trades involved? Could a domanatrix wake up one morning and find herself traded to Milwaukee for cash and a blow-up doll to be named later? Do college domanatrices get to use aluminum paddles as opposed to wood?

(About my college library)
Oh, and the funny thing about the library is that all over the computer area are signs that say:


Well what the hell else is there to do on the internet?

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