October 6 Rant

This was, mind you, a couple weeks before the big stock market implosion.

Anyone wonder what it was like living in the fall of Rome? Wonder no more. We even have our very own Nero who read to schoolchildren while the Twin Towers burned, played golf while New Orleans drowned, and looked the other way while Wall Street raped every man, woman, and child who were not CEO's of Fortune 500 companies.

This country used to be great. It used to be a land of opportunity for everyone, where anyone could make it big if they worked hard. Now, all of the opportunity has been shipped overseas and the only people who can make it big are those who either have already made it big or those unscrupulous enough to lie, cheat, steal, and f*ck people over in a never-ending quest for more. Thanks to this quest I will not be able to retire ever, since my pension was discontinued in 2004 and instead replaced with the option of me to take money from my own paycheck and put it in the stock market. F*cking brilliant idea that was, except no one could answer me when I asked what would happen when the market crashed and inflation made the money I had stashed away meager even in the best case scenario. No one had a answer when I said that if you had offered someone a $100,000 retirement severance when they started in 1977 that they would have jumped all over it because in 1977 you could live rather well and for a long time on $100,000. However now when that person is getting ready to retire with that $100,000, they're looking at picking up a part-time gig greeting folks at Wal-Mart because it's either that or go without.

I used to love this country. I absolutely hate what it has become.

tl;dr - F*ck America

September Funnies (Part 3)

September 24, 2008

(About 80's fashion coming back in style)

The first kid I see dressed like Crockett or Tubbs is getting punched right in the dick.

My friend Matt: So, my GF's mom just had knee replacement done. I want to send her a thoughtful and uplifting card/flowers/something ... what do I send that says "thinking of you" without saying "kissing up like all get out"?
Me: Make one with a picture of an operating room table on the front and have it say "From the deep blue sea to the clear blue sky" and on the inside have it say "Boy are we glad you didn't die! Love Matt and GF"

I want to see Dick Butkus and Mike Ditka in a fistfight.

I'll bet it would be akin to dropping a hydrogen bomb into a vat of awesome.

lolol NOW I know who she (Gov. Ruth Ann Minner of Delaware) looks like...

Large Marge from the Pee-Wee Herman movie.

Oh lawds I almost evacuated my bowels at my desk.

Man I so wish they had a Sonny's Bar-B-Q here. Nothing like walking into a barbecue place that has a big iron wagon wheel hanging over the salad bar and being served sweet tea by a woman named "Lurlene" or "Bobbi Jo" who has an accent as thick as the barbecue sauce they serve.

Eating at any chain restaurant in NYC or Chicago (excluding the original UNO's in Chicago) should warrant a kick in the dick. Like they should have some guy, no they should have Ray Guy at the door of every Applebee's in NYC that administers a booming kick to the crotch of anyone that walks through the door (excluding staff and bums just using the bathroom).

I'm thinking that this would help the retired and out-of-work NFL kickers get money. If only they'd had this available for poor Donald Igwebuike...

September 25, 2008

I'll bet McCain's plane has it's left turn signal on the entire way.

September Funnies (Part 2)

September 16, 2008

(After I gave my ex-wife the movie Sideways for her birthday)

The next time I saw her, I said "How did you like your movie?" and she goes "You didn't watch that, did you?" I said "No." and she proceeds to tell me that the movie is about a guy who gets divorced and finds out his ex-wife is dating someone and he has a nervous breakdown or something. And I was like "Uhh oops sorry about that. I didn't know mumble mumble" and she started laughing at me.

It was rather uncomfortable.

September 17, 2008

Any time I get to make a Cop Rock reference an angel gets it's wings.

Holy crap you guys there's a meeting in the next room and people are f*cking screaming at each other. It sounds pretty damn epic.

I'm thinking of walking by and yelling out "JUMANJI!"

The story goes that shortly after World War II Frau M. (8th Grade German teacher) and her parents moved from Germany to someplace in the United States where she attended a Catholic school. There was a Dutch girl there, and the two became very good friends since they were both learning English, and Dutch and German are very similar.

One day at lunch, Frau's friend knocked over a glass of milk, to which Frau M. exclaimed "Ahh! Du schitt seiner milsch! (You spilt your milk!)" One of the nuns overheard this and started beating her with a ruler.

Alan: we were talking about anal smoothie stars - the ones who throw stuff in a blender & then give themselves a heatlhy nutritional enema assisted by a speculum
Me: I GUESS THAT'S WHY THEY CALL IT A HAPPY MEAL XD

Anyone else remember the hype surrounding the commercials that they were running before the Super Bowl a couple years ago before they premiered the 5 bladed razor? I remember watching that with my friend and going "Watch it's probably something totally useless like they added another blade or something." and she replied "No, they wouldn't be that stupid to hype that up this much, would they?"

When we saw that commercial come on the Super Bowl we both about pissed our pants laughing.

I really don't come up with anything originally funny. I prefer to think of myself as a conduit to the collective subconscious, pulling random bits of funny out of the ether.

Ok, I'm just a fucking lunatic.

September 18, 2008

An uzi is best used in small compact spaces since it uses a small caliber round with a short range. In more open spaces, go with an AR-15 since it uses a larger caliber round capable of going longer distances with better accuracy. Don't use an AK-47. That's just trashy.

Growing up in Daytona Beach gave me such a unique outlook. I hate NASCAR, I know most bikers are good people when they're not strung out on meth, I know college kids are mostly harmless unless they're drunk, and I know that everyone in Michigan who weighs over 400 pounds has sat on my beach in December in a bikini at least once in their life.

(About a guy who had a sticker on the back of his car that read "OBAMA is an empty suit with a dangerous radical MARXIST agenda. Vote MCCAIN-PALIN")

He's probably one of those guys that honestly believes that people will see this in traffic and it will be some sort of mind-altering revelation to them. Like some guy behind him going to Wawa will see this and go "You know what? This guy is right. Obama is a dangerous Marxist and will ruin this country! Fuck getting a hoagie and a pack of smokes, I've got political work to do!"

I can imagine there will be the day when the back glass in a car can be made with some sort of plasma-type material where the driver could see out but people on the outside would see some sort of display. Personally if I had that, I'd drive around with nothing but the car chase scenes from the Dukes of Hazzard tv shows playing non-stop.

(About learning to read using Penthouse magazine)

Hey, at least I learned to read unlike other kids in my class. So what if I was the only third-grader with a vocabulary that included words like "undulation" and "pendulous"?

September 22, 2008

I've always wondered if Brussels smells like brussels sprouts. I've also always wondered if all the men in Brussels are six-foot-four and full of muscles.

Stupid Flanders.

September 23, 2008

Days are like cities. Some days are like New York and just full of awesome. Some days are like London and just gray and rainy.

Today is like Detroit. Just completely awful with absolutely no redeeming qualities about it.

Fresh Prince of Delaware

Now this is a story all about how
My life got flipped-turned upisde down
I'd like to take a minute so just sit right there
And I'll tell you how I became the Prince of a state called Delaware

On the westside of Daytona I was raised
On the beachside is where I spent most of my days
Chillin out maxin out relaxing all cool
Doin all sorts of drugs while skipping school
When a couple of guys who were up to no good
Called the cops on me in my neighborhood
I almost got a charge and I got scared
I said "F*ck this shiat I'm moving to Delaware"

I rented a U-Haul when the time was here
I drove it through DC consumed by fear
That I'd get jacked or shot right there
But I said "Naah forget it, I'm almost in Delaware"

I pulled up to the apartment about 2 or 3
And I yelled at some crackhead to get away from me
I looked at my kingdom I was finally there
To sit on my throne as the prince of Delaware

September 12 Rant

Dear contractors,

Please stop bothering me. I have wasted my entire day thus far on you because you're too f*cking stupid to realize that you're trying to log on to an application on a user lookup screen. Not only that, but when I sent you a detailed walkthrough complete with screenshots you still managed to fuck that up somehow. And guess what? Your connectivity problems to the internet aren't my fault, and there's not a damn thing I can do about it. I can't fly to India and log in for you and set your security questions and fix your internet. So pretty please stop IM'ing me and bawwwwing, because honestly I really don't care about you or your problems. Fuck off I don't like you.

Me

September Funnies (Part 1)

September 1, 2008

(On Sarah Palin and the birth of her last child)

If this really was her fifth child, she'd have squirted it out in less time than it takes to get a #6 combo from Taco Bell.

September 5, 2008

Does it involve peanut butter, duct tape, and a taser? If so, I'm going to sue the shit out of someone...

My friend Ellie: Do you know, when I read "Old Yeller" to my son, he didn't cry at the end. I cried while reading it out loud!
The kid *will* grow up to be an evil dictator....
Me: I wouldn't worry about it unless he had his hand in his pants.

HOLY FUCKING SHIT YOU GUYS, SHE ATE HER FUCKING LUNCH. SARAH PALIN MEANS BUSINESS, MOTHERFUCKERS! TAKE THAT YOU PINKO HIPPY LIBERALS - SHE WILL EAT HER FUCKING LUNCH. SHE WILL EAT HER FUCKING LUNCH AND TAKE A MASSIVE SHIT ALL OVER THOSE PUSSY ASS COMMIE FUCKTARD RUSSIANS, ASS RAPE VLADIMIR PUTIN WITH A BROOMSTICK, AND THEN EAT SOME MORE GOD DAMNED MOTHERFUCKING LUNCH. DOYOU SEE OBAMA EATING LUNCH? DO YOU SEE BIDEN EATING LUNCH? NO BECAUSE THEY HATE AMERICA. ONLY SARAH PALIN WILL EAT HER MOTHERFUCKING LUNCH YOU CUM-GARGLING, HIPPOPOTAMUS-FUCKING, SON OF A ONE LEGGED WHORE

September 9, 2008

It's ok... The economy... blah blah blah...

DAMN YOU GEORGE BUSH! I'D HAVE HAD A TEN STUFFED DOWN MY FUCKING PANTS IF IT WASN'T FOR YOU, YOU FUCKING GIMP!

September 10, 2008

I just had the most frightening (or hilarious) image of thousands of breadsticks goose-stepping in formation in front of what I can best describe as a cross between Adolf Hitler and Chef Boy-ar-dee, some carrying banners dipped in pizza sauce with a mozzarella circle and anchovy swastika emblazoned on it.

September 11, 2008

Jersey smells like roses and rainbows if roses and rainbows smelled like swamp gas and petrochemicals

Am I the only person who openly believes that only old men with handlebar mustaches and monacles should be allowed to harrumph?

September 12, 2008

There are at least two bands that have achieved a satisfactory amount of cowbell - Mountain and early Guns N' Roses.

The (Rolling) Stones produced one good song for every eleventy massive steaming piles of gorilla diarrhea they came out with.

Me: Any idea how to say "I find you extremely attractive Miss Timoshenko and want to father many of your children" ?
My friend Dena: Я нахожу вас очень привлекательной мисс Тимошенко и хочет отец многих ваших детей.
Me: Awesome. Now will you all come and visit me in a Ukranian gulag after I get a visit from the party van for making sexual overtures toward a head of state?

I've always wondered what evil overlords do when they're not working. Like when it's a nice summer day, I wonder if Vader heads down to the shore and like hangs out in Cape May eating saltwater taffy and sitting on the beach with a cold Corona. I'd imagine that guy has a shit-ton of paid leave, and really who would try and convince a guy who can choke the life out of you by thinking about it that he has to come in to the office?

"Yeah I know you're the Dark Lord of the Sith, but Murray's kids are sick and we really need someone to *hurrrrkkkk-kkk-kk*"

Is it bad that I started humming "The Battle Hymn of the Republic" when I was reading that?

(About the new Metallica album Death Magnetic)

Man I'd be pissed if I had paid for this steaming pile of hippopotamus diarrhea.

(About drinking Jagermeister)

Every single time I've drank it I've thrown up. And not like regular throw up, but it felt like i was trying to rocket Mrs. Butterworth from my colon to my mouth in 0.3 seconds.

BILLY MAYS (THE ORIGINAL)

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