January 2009 Funnies (Part 2)

January 8, 2009

Some things you don't ever tell your girlfriend/fiancee/wife. This includes:

- Which of your former partners were better sexually than she is
- What you did during your bachelor party
- About naked photos you've sent to other people

(About a partner's past history)

Do yourself a favor. Sit her down and tell her that just as there are things that you are probably better off not knowing about her, there are certain things about you that she probably doesn't need to know every single gory detail about. Tell her that you love her and trust her and know she feels the same way toward you, and that even if she slept with the Harlem Globetrotters and Washington Generals you'll still love her just the same.

My ex-wife would always tell me about stuff she did with ex-boyfriends and I'd be like "You know, I really don't want to know this. Even though I know you weren't as pure as the driven snow when I met you, I still don't need to be reminded of all the road salt you carry with you."
I think if I ever get married again, I'll be a little less direct with the similies and metaphors. :-\

Is it bad that all I've ever had was white girls? It just kinda worked out that all I've ever slept with are white. Definitely looking to expand my horizons though, so to speak. My penis is colorblind.

When in doubt, shut your mouth.

It took a few seconds to say "I do." It took over a year and a good chunk of money to say "I don't."

January 9, 2009

This guy I work with just moved out of his office on a six-month assignment a few weeks ago. Today an envelope came to his old office, and I somehow wound up with it. Why am I telling you this? Because imagine having the following IM conversation with someone who looks like George Bluth.

Me (2:47:44 PM): I have a package that came for you today
George Bluth (2:47:50 PM): thanks
Me (2:48:03 PM): No problem - I'll send it to your new address
George Bluth (2:48:28 PM): is it cash?
Me (2:48:52 PM): If it is, you should retire sooner rather than later. It's
pretty heavy for a manila envelope.
Me (2:48:57 PM): :-D
George Bluth (2:58:44 PM): could be my viagra shipment
Me (2:58:58 PM): lol

January 12, 2009

(About Hooters restaurant)

I went once because I was at the 24 Hours of Daytona race and it got cold, so I left. As soon as I left I had to pee, so I went across the street to Hooters and waited for my mom to come pick me up. Oh, and I peed too.

January 13, 2009

My friend Ellie: Oh....my.....God.
Bear in mind this guy is my absolute worst dictator. Worst. And uh, yeah, this sentence will definitely need to be recast.
"He says over the weekend he was sick with diarrhea, and he could not cough it up, and he was wheezing."
*shudder*
Me: I always try coughing and wheezing my diarrhea first, but it usually winds up just shooting out of my ass.

(About Joe the Plumber's "wartime correspondence")

See and I'm still trying to figure out how an attention whoring construction worker is given the same credibility as Edward R. Murrow. That'd be like giving my dumb ass an hour news show on CNN - it'd be like 5 minutes of me spouting off about how I feel about a certain issue and then 55 minutes of jokes about boobs and poop. It sure as hell wouldn't put me on par with Anderson Cooper or Christiane Amanpour.

January 14, 2009

I always count on others to drive like morons because most of them are morons.

(About the death of Ricardo Montalban)

If I remember right, his film credentials were pretty impressive, however I'm sure he'll be remembered most for those three simple words.
Rich. Corinthian. Leather.

January 15, 2009

Eugene: AAAAAHHHHH
It's a catastrophe
No sugar for the coffee
T____T
What the hell is this Somalia and we can't have sugar for our coffee because
of a collapsed government and marauding bands of pirates?
FFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUU-
I WILL NOT STAND FOR THIS
I AM A MAN AND WIILL NOT BE SUBJECTED TO SUCH INHUMANE CONDITIONS
ATTICA! ATTICA! ATTICA!

(To my friend Dena, who was offered a permanent position where she works)

When you go perm, you should get a perm. And perhaps wear wooly leggings and Keds.

My friend Jay: I may have to go find Natalie Portman and kiss her for the first time. Or at least rent Garden State and watch Zach Braff do it.
Me: Is it too late for me to volunteer to make out with Natalie Portman?

I've got homemade turkey soup. But it's at home. Where I made it.

My friend Ellie: lol, under "Recommendations" on a report where a particular bacterial infection is suspected but cultures have not come back yet:
"The patient will be put on Diflucan, and if her symptoms abate, that would be terrific."
Now that's science!
My friend Dena: It's the House method of treatment!
Me: No, that would be to call the patient an idiot, rule out lupus, and wind up saving their lives by almost killing them. Oh yeah, and lots of Vicodin. For you, not the patient.

(About the difference between guys getting and women getting the equivalent of blue balls)

Me: Sitting in soaked panties is far different than feeling like your balls are in a vise.
Me: Here's hoping that none of us experience blue balls or uhh violet vagina?
My friend Bob: That sounds like more of a gynohorticultural problem.
Me: I GUESS THAT'S WHY THEY CALL IT A FLOWER XD

January 18, 2009

OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST HAD A POTENTIALLY REVOLUTIONARY IDEA

I want to make chili with ground up bacon instead of beef. Great idea or greatest idea in the history of mankind?
I'm thinking it will be the epicest epic that ever epiced.

January 20, 2009

My friend Ellie: Okay, Texas is behind the times. There are just way too many people using cocaine. Don't they know the 80's are over?
Me: I wonder what it looks like when you wear chaps over a pair of parachute pants...

I'm shocked that not once during all of the inaugural festivities did I hear a stirring rendition of Chocolate Rain. I mean, an epic dirge against the societal ills of racism has no place during the swearing in of our first African-American President?

(About my friend Dena's co-worker)

I don't know if the woman is crazy. I think she's just lonely and probably has nothing else going on in her otherwise unremarkable and insignificant life worth anything, so in order to make herself feel something resembling useful she feels the need to constantly belittle other people when they infringe on some sort of "territory" that she has staked out for herself. Perhaps a subtle reminder to her every so often that she will most likely die alone and unnoticed might get her to stop being such a bitch?
I know as fucked up as I am, there are people out there who are a.) more fucked up and b.) less adept at masking their damage. Those who fit both criteria deserve pity or scorn, depending upon whether or not I'm feeling like an arrogant dick. Today, I'm feeling like an arrogant dick.