January 2009 Funnies (Part 1)

January 2, 2009

(About not having a PS3)

Yeah I'm behind the times. I guess I'll just sit here and watch Starman on Betamax.

January 5, 2009

The only thing funnier than a soccer riot is soccer.

January 6, 2009

You're only as old as your kids make you feel.

(About a friend's new co-worker, whose name is "Binky Huang")

I like the way it just rolls off of the tongue.

Binky Huang

Say it three times fast, kinda like Beetlejuice

BinkyHuangBinkyHuangBinkyHuang

brb azn

(About Eleanor Roosevelt)

Holy shit - that looks like Gilbert Gottfried.

Billy Mays should reinvent himself as a foul-mouthed shock comic. Serious.

January 7, 2009

Know what made me feel better this morning? Driving to work with The Imperial March playing at a high volume. I tell you, if I could use telekinesis to choke the life out of people, I would demand that be played wherever I go.
There must be some sort of switch in my brain that triggers a neurochemical reaction whenever I hear that song. It's like I can feel my pupils dilating and my testosterone levels shooting through the roof while wave after wave of "I WILL FUCK YOUR SHIT UP" comes over me like a torrential flood.

Ok I just went into the bathroom and some guy was in there using his Bluetooth headset to take a call. Really dude? Were you trying to get your co-workers to listen to me taking a leak?
He's lucky he wasn't in there about half an hour earlier when I saw this guy running into the bathroom at full speed and then a few seconds later I heard a sound that can only be described as a cross between a really wet fart and someone dropping a tire into a toilet. That would have made quite an impression on his colleagues I'm sure.
I just don't understand people at all. I thought we all had this little part of our brains that told us things like "Walking into a men's room while talking on the phone is just a *bad idea*. I guess not.

Me: Wow I just met the two guys from India whose trip I helped arrange. Super nice guys and they gave me an ornate box with a little porcelain statue of Ganesh. I feel bad because what can I give them that's representative of Delaware? A traffic cone?
My friend Chris: Hmmm, is there anything that Delaware is famous for? I certainly can't think of anything.
Me: Tax-free shopping? NASCAR in Dover? Being a suburb of Philadelphia? If these guys weren't vegetarians, I'd get them each a brick of lowfat cream cheese because Delaware is Philly Lite.

(About Met-Art porn)

I came, I saw, I came again.

These pics are why a poor Eastern Europe is a good idea.