Tuesday, September 23, 2008

September Funnies (Part 2)

September 16, 2008

(After I gave my ex-wife the movie Sideways for her birthday)
The next time I saw her, I said "How did you like your movie?" and she goes "You didn't watch that, did you?" I said "No." and she proceeds to tell me that the movie is about a guy who gets divorced and finds out his ex-wife is dating someone and he has a nervous breakdown or something. And I was like "Uhh oops sorry about that. I didn't know mumble mumble" and she started laughing at me.

It was rather uncomfortable.

September 17, 2008

Any time I get to make a Cop Rock reference an angel gets it's wings.

Holy crap you guys there's a meeting in the next room and people are f*cking screaming at each other. It sounds pretty damn epic.

I'm thinking of walking by and yelling out "JUMANJI!"

The story goes that shortly after World War II Frau M. (8th Grade German teacher) and her parents moved from Germany to someplace in the United States where she attended a Catholic school. There was a Dutch girl there, and the two became very good friends since they were both learning English, and Dutch and German are very similar.

One day at lunch, Frau's friend knocked over a glass of milk, to which Frau M. exclaimed "Ahh! Du schitt seiner milsch! (You spilt your milk!)" One of the nuns overheard this and started beating her with a ruler.

Alan: we were talking about anal smoothie stars - the ones who throw stuff in a blender & then give themselves a heatlhy nutritional enema assisted by a speculum

Anyone else remember the hype surrounding the commercials that they were running before the Super Bowl a couple years ago before they premiered the 5 bladed razor? I remember watching that with my friend and going "Watch it's probably something totally useless like they added another blade or something." and she replied "No, they wouldn't be that stupid to hype that up this much, would they?"

When we saw that commercial come on the Super Bowl we both about pissed our pants laughing.

I really don't come up with anything originally funny. I prefer to think of myself as a conduit to the collective subconscious, pulling random bits of funny out of the ether.

Ok, I'm just a fucking lunatic.

September 18, 2008

An uzi is best used in small compact spaces since it uses a small caliber round with a short range. In more open spaces, go with an AR-15 since it uses a larger caliber round capable of going longer distances with better accuracy. Don't use an AK-47. That's just trashy.

Growing up in Daytona Beach gave me such a unique outlook. I hate NASCAR, I know most bikers are good people when they're not strung out on meth, I know college kids are mostly harmless unless they're drunk, and I know that everyone in Michigan who weighs over 400 pounds has sat on my beach in December in a bikini at least once in their life.

(About a guy who had a sticker on the back of his car that read "OBAMA is an empty suit with a dangerous radical MARXIST agenda. Vote MCCAIN-PALIN")
He's probably one of those guys that honestly believes that people will see this in traffic and it will be some sort of mind-altering revelation to them. Like some guy behind him going to Wawa will see this and go "You know what? This guy is right. Obama is a dangerous Marxist and will ruin this country! Fuck getting a hoagie and a pack of smokes, I've got political work to do!"

I can imagine there will be the day when the back glass in a car can be made with some sort of plasma-type material where the driver could see out but people on the outside would see some sort of display. Personally if I had that, I'd drive around with nothing but the car chase scenes from the Dukes of Hazzard tv shows playing non-stop.

(About learning to read using Penthouse magazine)
Hey, at least I learned to read unlike other kids in my class. So what if I was the only third-grader with a vocabulary that included words like "undulation" and "pendulous"?

September 22, 2008

I've always wondered if Brussels smells like brussels sprouts. I've also always wondered if all the men in Brussels are six-foot-four and full of muscles.

Stupid Flanders.

September 23, 2008

Days are like cities. Some days are like New York and just full of awesome. Some days are like London and just gray and rainy.

Today is like Detroit. Just completely awful with absolutely no redeeming qualities about it.

No comments:

Post a Comment