(On Sarah Palin and the birth of her last child)
If this really was her fifth child, she'd have squirted it out in less time than it takes to get a #6 combo from Taco Bell.
September 5, 2008
Does it involve peanut butter, duct tape, and a taser? If so, I'm going to sue the shit out of someone...
My friend Ellie: Do you know, when I read "Old Yeller" to my son, he didn't cry at the end. I cried while reading it out loud!
The kid *will* grow up to be an evil dictator....
Me: I wouldn't worry about it unless he had his hand in his pants.
HOLY FUCKING SHIT YOU GUYS, SHE ATE HER FUCKING LUNCH. SARAH PALIN MEANS BUSINESS, MOTHERFUCKERS! TAKE THAT YOU PINKO HIPPY LIBERALS - SHE WILL EAT HER FUCKING LUNCH. SHE WILL EAT HER FUCKING LUNCH AND TAKE A MASSIVE SHIT ALL OVER THOSE PUSSY ASS COMMIE FUCKTARD RUSSIANS, ASS RAPE VLADIMIR PUTIN WITH A BROOMSTICK, AND THEN EAT SOME MORE GOD DAMNED MOTHERFUCKING LUNCH. DOYOU SEE OBAMA EATING LUNCH? DO YOU SEE BIDEN EATING LUNCH? NO BECAUSE THEY HATE AMERICA. ONLY SARAH PALIN WILL EAT HER MOTHERFUCKING LUNCH YOU CUM-GARGLING, HIPPOPOTAMUS-FUCKING, SON OF A ONE LEGGED WHORE
September 9, 2008
It's ok... The economy... blah blah blah...
DAMN YOU GEORGE BUSH! I'D HAVE HAD A TEN STUFFED DOWN MY FUCKING PANTS IF IT WASN'T FOR YOU, YOU FUCKING GIMP!
September 10, 2008
I just had the most frightening (or hilarious) image of thousands of breadsticks goose-stepping in formation in front of what I can best describe as a cross between Adolf Hitler and Chef Boy-ar-dee, some carrying banners dipped in pizza sauce with a mozzarella circle and anchovy swastika emblazoned on it.
September 11, 2008
Jersey smells like roses and rainbows if roses and rainbows smelled like swamp gas and petrochemicals
Am I the only person who openly believes that only old men with handlebar mustaches and monacles should be allowed to harrumph?
September 12, 2008
There are at least two bands that have achieved a satisfactory amount of cowbell - Mountain and early Guns N' Roses.
The (Rolling) Stones produced one good song for every eleventy massive steaming piles of gorilla diarrhea they came out with.
Me: Any idea how to say "I find you extremely attractive Miss Timoshenko and want to father many of your children" ?
My friend Dena: Я нахожу вас очень привлекательной мисс Тимошенко и хочет отец многих ваших детей.
Me: Awesome. Now will you all come and visit me in a Ukranian gulag after I get a visit from the party van for making sexual overtures toward a head of state?
I've always wondered what evil overlords do when they're not working. Like when it's a nice summer day, I wonder if Vader heads down to the shore and like hangs out in Cape May eating saltwater taffy and sitting on the beach with a cold Corona. I'd imagine that guy has a shit-ton of paid leave, and really who would try and convince a guy who can choke the life out of you by thinking about it that he has to come in to the office?
"Yeah I know you're the Dark Lord of the Sith, but Murray's kids are sick and we really need someone to *hurrrrkkkk-kkk-kk*"
Is it bad that I started humming "The Battle Hymn of the Republic" when I was reading that?
(About the new Metallica album Death Magnetic)
Man I'd be pissed if I had paid for this steaming pile of hippopotamus diarrhea.
(About drinking Jagermeister)
Every single time I've drank it I've thrown up. And not like regular throw up, but it felt like i was trying to rocket Mrs. Butterworth from my colon to my mouth in 0.3 seconds.