Ex-wife Rant

Allow me to rant for a minute please...

Can someone explain to me how the fuck you lose your child's birth certificate? Can someone explain to me how you don't notice it's missing until the day your ex-husband is going to register the child for school? I can see misplacing the water bill or the directions for the tv remote, but a fucking birth certificate for your own fucking child? How the fuck do you go about doing that? Seriously? I mean it was one thing when you lost the title to your car - that's yours and you're kind of allowed to do with it as you please, but a fucking birth certificate? I'm sure I sound like Jim Mora going "Playoffs?" but really? A birth certificate?

I'd never say my ex-wife is useless, but right now I can't think of a single useful thing that she does. Fucking idiot.

Later, I said:

I'll admit that I lost my birth certificate. But this was after several moves (one being a move of about 1000 miles) and I was oh, 24 or so. And it was mine to lose.

BILLY MAYS (PART DEUX - THAT'S FRENCH FOR TWO)

HI FOLKS BILLY MAYS HERE AND I HAVE A REVOLUTIONARY NEW PRODUCT TO TELL YOU ABOUT - IT'S FUCKING RON MOTHERFUCKING PAUL! THAT'S RIGHT YOU SHIT-EATING HAMSTER-FUCKER, RON MOTHERFUCKING PAUL IS NEW BECAUSE WHAT'S OLD IS NEW, WHAT'S NEW IS OLD, AND FUCK YOUR MOTHER THAT'S WHY. FUCK YEAH RON PAUL, YOU FESTERING POT OF HIPPOPOTAMUS DIARRHEA. YOU KNOW YOU FUCKING WANT TO JACK THE FUCK OFF WHEN YOU SEE RON PAUL FOR PRESIDENT" SIGNS POSTED ALONG THE HIGHWAYS EVEN THOUGH THE ELECTION HAS BEEN OVER FOR ALMOST 3 FUCKING MONTHS. THAT'S RIGHT - THREE MOTHERFUCKING MONTHS YOU SON OF A UKRANIAN PROSTITUTE! CALL RIGHT THE FUCK NOW, AND WE'LL DOUBLE YOUR ORDER - THAT'S RIGHT DOUBLE YOUR GOD DAMNED ORDER FOR YOU AND YOUR WART INFESTED GAPING ANUS! HERE'S HOW TO ORDER!

Driving in Pennsylvania Rant

Have I ever told you guys how awful driving in rural Pennsylvania is? Imagine this - as soon as you leave your state with fairly nice roads, you're magically transported to the transportation anus of the world. Imagine roads like you'd see in Somalia - roads that haven't been repaved or taken care of in years. There are no shoulders on the roads - usually just steep embankments about half as high as your car or higher just inches off of the side of the road. Everyone drives either 30 mph over or 30 mph under the speed limit, so you'll be hauling ass along what appears to be a similar track to Space Mountain to keep yourself from being run the fuck over by a semi truck only to have to jam on your brakes to avoid ass-ending some jackoff going 15 down a state road. Good luck trying to find anything because apparently PennDOT is too god damned cheap to pay for street signs, so you're forced to rely on directions like "Go past the building that looks like it was bombed and then make a left at the traffic sticks. Then make a right at the fourth cornfield - that's the one with the cow with three legs."

tl;dr - Fuck PennDOT and fuck driving in PA

And a little later

Most people fail to realize that just because you don't wreck your car and annihilate half a county on the way to the Acme doesn't mean you're a good driver. It means you didn't kill anyone this time.

Rant About a Persistant Hardware Sales Company

Dear Company Representative,

Please stop calling me, IM'ing me, e-mailing me, or otherwise trying to contact me in any way shape or form every five minutes regarding the purchase order I put in less than an hour ago. Yes, I realize that it's for a lot of money - that's part of why it took so long for it to get entered, because no one wants to be the guy that fucked up a job of that size, especially me. Yes, I also understand that this is on a deadline, however please realize that as soon as I had all necessary information I sent it off to the appropriate person. No, it probably hasn't been looked at yet, and there's nothing I can do about it. The only person that can do anything with this is the VP, and he's skiing in Vail. I value my job too much to try and bother him while he's on the slopes, so kindly fuck off and leave me the fuck alone before I punch you right in the dick, hopefully ensuring someone as annoying as you can't possibly procreate.

Eat shit asshole,

Me

(p.s. while I was typing this, the dickhead IM'ed me again.)

October 6 Rant

This was, mind you, a couple weeks before the big stock market implosion.

Anyone wonder what it was like living in the fall of Rome? Wonder no more. We even have our very own Nero who read to schoolchildren while the Twin Towers burned, played golf while New Orleans drowned, and looked the other way while Wall Street raped every man, woman, and child who were not CEO's of Fortune 500 companies.

This country used to be great. It used to be a land of opportunity for everyone, where anyone could make it big if they worked hard. Now, all of the opportunity has been shipped overseas and the only people who can make it big are those who either have already made it big or those unscrupulous enough to lie, cheat, steal, and f*ck people over in a never-ending quest for more. Thanks to this quest I will not be able to retire ever, since my pension was discontinued in 2004 and instead replaced with the option of me to take money from my own paycheck and put it in the stock market. F*cking brilliant idea that was, except no one could answer me when I asked what would happen when the market crashed and inflation made the money I had stashed away meager even in the best case scenario. No one had a answer when I said that if you had offered someone a $100,000 retirement severance when they started in 1977 that they would have jumped all over it because in 1977 you could live rather well and for a long time on $100,000. However now when that person is getting ready to retire with that $100,000, they're looking at picking up a part-time gig greeting folks at Wal-Mart because it's either that or go without.

I used to love this country. I absolutely hate what it has become.

tl;dr - F*ck America

September 12 Rant

Dear contractors,

Please stop bothering me. I have wasted my entire day thus far on you because you're too f*cking stupid to realize that you're trying to log on to an application on a user lookup screen. Not only that, but when I sent you a detailed walkthrough complete with screenshots you still managed to fuck that up somehow. And guess what? Your connectivity problems to the internet aren't my fault, and there's not a damn thing I can do about it. I can't fly to India and log in for you and set your security questions and fix your internet. So pretty please stop IM'ing me and bawwwwing, because honestly I really don't care about you or your problems. Fuck off I don't like you.

Me

BILLY MAYS (THE ORIGINAL)

HI FOLKS BILLY MAYS HERE. I'M HERE TO TELL YOU ABOUT THE REVOLUTIONARY NEW PRODUCT THAT WILL CLEAN YOUR FUCKING BATHROOM SO GODDAMNED GOOD THAT YOU'LL SHIT YOUR FUCKING PANTS SO FUCKING HARD THEY'LL HAVE TO CALL THE FUCKING PARAMEDICS. THAT'S OK BECAUSE YOU'LL BE SHITTING YOUR FUCKING PANTS IN A BATHROOM, WHICH IS JUST HOW WE FUCKING TESTED THIS NEW AMAZING FUCKING PRODUCT YOU FUCKING HERPES INFESTED CUMDUMPSTER. IF YOU CALL RIGHT THE FUCK NOW, WE'LL QUADRUPLE YOUR FUCKING ORDER AND SEND YOU A FILIPINO MAIL ORDER BRIDE. THAT'S RIGHT YOU ANAL INVADING COCKSUCKER FOUR FUCKING TIMES YOUR ORDER AND SOME PINOY SNATCH FOR FUCKING FREE. SO GET OFF YOUR FAT FUCKING ASS AND CALL RIGHT THE FUCK NOW! HERE'S HOW TO ORDER.

August 27 Rant

I think this is a problem that is inherent in our society. Nobody seems to stand up and take accountability for their actions. It's easier to play the victim and cry foul than it is to work hard and try and make a decent life for yourself and those around you. You see people do it all the time, from the people who get handicapped placards to get the close parking spaces when they are able to walk just fine to the people who wrap themselves in petty drama instead of focusing on actually accomplishing something with their lives. Everything is someone else's fault, and if I wish hard enough, MTV will come along and Pimp My ride and that bald weirdo with the same name as Howie Mandel will make me a millionaire and I too can live in a 90210 fantasyland where the Prozac grows on trees and it's always sunny, even if you're not in Philadelphia.

I hate these people with every fiber of my being. They are what is wrong with the world, and I hate them. All of them.

tl;dr - GTFO my planet, crybabies

Fuck the Yankees Rant

Fuck the Yankees. Fuck their 26 World Championships. Fuck the Yankee mystique. Fuck the movies about the Yankees. Fuck Babe Ruth, fuck Mickey Mantle, fuck Roger Maris, fuck Derek Jeter, fuck A-Rod, and fuck Jason Giambi and his gay porn star mustache. Fuck George Steinbrenner. Fuck Hank Steinbrenner. Fuck YES Network and that douchebag announcer that sounds like he smokes a carton of cigarettes a day. Fuck Jeffrey Maier (no, I will not get over it, thank you very much). Fuck Yankee Stadium. Fuck buying division titles. Fuck fielding the best team money can buy and still failing to win your division and then crying like a bitch about it. Fuck grossly overpaying third rate free agents, thus raping teams who don't have a large market or an owner with little regard for how much money he spends.

Fuck. The. Yankees.

Love,

A Baltimore Orioles fan.

Will Farrell Rant

The *only* thing that saved Anchorman from being the biggest steaming pile of fail this side of Fight Club was the guy who played the weatherman. Other than that, that movie was lame.

And I think I'd rather be sodomized with a broken bottle than watch Talladega Nights, thank you very much.

Will Ferrell sucks shit through a straw. He is the epitome of the phrase "No Talent Ass-Clown". He is the Paris Hilton of comedy - you look at him and go "Why is this guy here? Why do people care? Why doesn't he just shut the hell up and go away already?"

Yeah. I don't like him.

July 1 Rant

BAWWWW I can't get access BAWWWWW help BAWWWWW what do I do BAWWWWWWW

I'm seriously about to snap on someone. Why the fuck do you wait until 2:30 on a Friday to tell me this shit and then act all surprised when it doesn't work right? Why the fuck can't anyone follow simple step by step directions? And what the fuck makes you think that I can just wave my hand and make shit start working right again? If I could do that, I wouldn't be stuck in my job - I'd be a goddamned millionaire and I wouldn't have to put up with bullshit all. day. long. from fucktards like you. Now kindly get the fuck out of my face and call the fucking help desk. Better yet, you are a trained IT professional - you went to college for this shit - why not try helping yourself out since you would think that you would know way more about this than the dumb redneck with a high school education? Try pulling your head out of your ass and trying to help yourself out of this jam that you created by losing your token (way to be responsible, shithead) and coming up with a better solution than BAWWWW halp BAWWWWWW

And then, as if it couldn't get any worse, she IM's me.

stupid (3:43:08 PM): Hi Milk
me (3:44:13 PM): Hello
stupid (3:44:35 PM): xxxxxx spoke to yo uregarding my xxxxx token
stupid (3:44:38 PM): xxxxxx
me (3:44:52 PM): Yes
stupid (3:44:59 PM): i called helpdesk
stupid (3:45:23 PM): they told that my sponsor can again reset my temp
password
stupid (3:45:38 PM): they told me the steps to do after getting the temp
password resetted
stupid (3:45:45 PM): can u plz reset my temp password again
me (3:45:49 PM): Ok I'll reset it again
stupid (3:45:56 PM): ok Thnx
stupid (3:50:13 PM): ok I will try with this
me (3:50:20 PM): Ok
***reset message***
stupid (3:59:52 PM): hi milk
stupid (3:59:55 PM): it dint wrk again
stupid (4:00:11 PM): and the helpdesk ppl are nt able to help me becoz I
couldnt answer the security qs
stupid (4:00:31 PM): help desk person is asking whether yo(my sponsor) can
join the call
stupid (4:00:51 PM): can u plz join the call now and help me in this?
me (4:01:10 PM): Sure thing call me xxx-xxx-xxxx
stupid (4:01:14 PM): okie sure
stupid (4:01:17 PM): I am calling you

I'm on the conference call now - the reason this woman can't log in is because she's logged into another application using a different user id. Oh and she's not following any of the directions me or the Help Desk guy are telling her.

Then later...

Oh it just gets better and better. The Help Desk guy suggested I log in as her using the temp password I set. Apparently, he too feels she's too stupid to do this on her own.

Thing is that I don't have a computer background. I came from Hospitality and Customer Service. My computer knowledge is limited to what I do on my PC at home and the minimal work experience I've gained in the past 2 years or so in some basic functionalities of some of the more basic systems. I'm not trained to really problem solve and fix technical issues - about all I can do is reset a password and hope that the user is smart enough to read the directions, comprehend them to some extent, and follow them.

I expect way too much I know.

June 30 Rant

Part of this was made into my friend's gchat status message for quite some time...

Hope y'all don't mind, but I'm going to vent for a minute.

When you get two or more e-mails telling you something is going to expire today, don't act shocked when you can't use it. Don't fucking call me up complaining because you can't get your job done - it's not my fault you ignore important e-mails. Oh, and it's also not my fault I can't log into the system right now because the system is down - it's karma. It's karma smiting you because you're fucking stupid. Karma hates stupid, and karma hates you. Now kindly quit fucking calling me before I "accidently" have your account purged.

Sincerely,

Fuck you.