January 2009 Funnies (Part 2)

January 8, 2009

Some things you don't ever tell your girlfriend/fiancee/wife. This includes:

- Which of your former partners were better sexually than she is
- What you did during your bachelor party
- About naked photos you've sent to other people

(About a partner's past history)

Do yourself a favor. Sit her down and tell her that just as there are things that you are probably better off not knowing about her, there are certain things about you that she probably doesn't need to know every single gory detail about. Tell her that you love her and trust her and know she feels the same way toward you, and that even if she slept with the Harlem Globetrotters and Washington Generals you'll still love her just the same.

My ex-wife would always tell me about stuff she did with ex-boyfriends and I'd be like "You know, I really don't want to know this. Even though I know you weren't as pure as the driven snow when I met you, I still don't need to be reminded of all the road salt you carry with you."
I think if I ever get married again, I'll be a little less direct with the similies and metaphors. :-\

Is it bad that all I've ever had was white girls? It just kinda worked out that all I've ever slept with are white. Definitely looking to expand my horizons though, so to speak. My penis is colorblind.

When in doubt, shut your mouth.

It took a few seconds to say "I do." It took over a year and a good chunk of money to say "I don't."

January 9, 2009

This guy I work with just moved out of his office on a six-month assignment a few weeks ago. Today an envelope came to his old office, and I somehow wound up with it. Why am I telling you this? Because imagine having the following IM conversation with someone who looks like George Bluth.

Me (2:47:44 PM): I have a package that came for you today
George Bluth (2:47:50 PM): thanks
Me (2:48:03 PM): No problem - I'll send it to your new address
George Bluth (2:48:28 PM): is it cash?
Me (2:48:52 PM): If it is, you should retire sooner rather than later. It's
pretty heavy for a manila envelope.
Me (2:48:57 PM): :-D
George Bluth (2:58:44 PM): could be my viagra shipment
Me (2:58:58 PM): lol

January 12, 2009

(About Hooters restaurant)

I went once because I was at the 24 Hours of Daytona race and it got cold, so I left. As soon as I left I had to pee, so I went across the street to Hooters and waited for my mom to come pick me up. Oh, and I peed too.

January 13, 2009

My friend Ellie: Oh....my.....God.
Bear in mind this guy is my absolute worst dictator. Worst. And uh, yeah, this sentence will definitely need to be recast.
"He says over the weekend he was sick with diarrhea, and he could not cough it up, and he was wheezing."
*shudder*
Me: I always try coughing and wheezing my diarrhea first, but it usually winds up just shooting out of my ass.

(About Joe the Plumber's "wartime correspondence")

See and I'm still trying to figure out how an attention whoring construction worker is given the same credibility as Edward R. Murrow. That'd be like giving my dumb ass an hour news show on CNN - it'd be like 5 minutes of me spouting off about how I feel about a certain issue and then 55 minutes of jokes about boobs and poop. It sure as hell wouldn't put me on par with Anderson Cooper or Christiane Amanpour.

January 14, 2009

I always count on others to drive like morons because most of them are morons.

(About the death of Ricardo Montalban)

If I remember right, his film credentials were pretty impressive, however I'm sure he'll be remembered most for those three simple words.
Rich. Corinthian. Leather.

January 15, 2009

Eugene: AAAAAHHHHH
It's a catastrophe
No sugar for the coffee
T____T
What the hell is this Somalia and we can't have sugar for our coffee because
of a collapsed government and marauding bands of pirates?
FFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUU-
I WILL NOT STAND FOR THIS
I AM A MAN AND WIILL NOT BE SUBJECTED TO SUCH INHUMANE CONDITIONS
ATTICA! ATTICA! ATTICA!

(To my friend Dena, who was offered a permanent position where she works)

When you go perm, you should get a perm. And perhaps wear wooly leggings and Keds.

My friend Jay: I may have to go find Natalie Portman and kiss her for the first time. Or at least rent Garden State and watch Zach Braff do it.
Me: Is it too late for me to volunteer to make out with Natalie Portman?

I've got homemade turkey soup. But it's at home. Where I made it.

My friend Ellie: lol, under "Recommendations" on a report where a particular bacterial infection is suspected but cultures have not come back yet:
"The patient will be put on Diflucan, and if her symptoms abate, that would be terrific."
Now that's science!
My friend Dena: It's the House method of treatment!
Me: No, that would be to call the patient an idiot, rule out lupus, and wind up saving their lives by almost killing them. Oh yeah, and lots of Vicodin. For you, not the patient.

(About the difference between guys getting and women getting the equivalent of blue balls)

Me: Sitting in soaked panties is far different than feeling like your balls are in a vise.
Me: Here's hoping that none of us experience blue balls or uhh violet vagina?
My friend Bob: That sounds like more of a gynohorticultural problem.
Me: I GUESS THAT'S WHY THEY CALL IT A FLOWER XD

January 18, 2009

OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST HAD A POTENTIALLY REVOLUTIONARY IDEA

I want to make chili with ground up bacon instead of beef. Great idea or greatest idea in the history of mankind?
I'm thinking it will be the epicest epic that ever epiced.

January 20, 2009

My friend Ellie: Okay, Texas is behind the times. There are just way too many people using cocaine. Don't they know the 80's are over?
Me: I wonder what it looks like when you wear chaps over a pair of parachute pants...

I'm shocked that not once during all of the inaugural festivities did I hear a stirring rendition of Chocolate Rain. I mean, an epic dirge against the societal ills of racism has no place during the swearing in of our first African-American President?

(About my friend Dena's co-worker)

I don't know if the woman is crazy. I think she's just lonely and probably has nothing else going on in her otherwise unremarkable and insignificant life worth anything, so in order to make herself feel something resembling useful she feels the need to constantly belittle other people when they infringe on some sort of "territory" that she has staked out for herself. Perhaps a subtle reminder to her every so often that she will most likely die alone and unnoticed might get her to stop being such a bitch?
I know as fucked up as I am, there are people out there who are a.) more fucked up and b.) less adept at masking their damage. Those who fit both criteria deserve pity or scorn, depending upon whether or not I'm feeling like an arrogant dick. Today, I'm feeling like an arrogant dick.

Ex-wife Rant

Allow me to rant for a minute please...

Can someone explain to me how the fuck you lose your child's birth certificate? Can someone explain to me how you don't notice it's missing until the day your ex-husband is going to register the child for school? I can see misplacing the water bill or the directions for the tv remote, but a fucking birth certificate for your own fucking child? How the fuck do you go about doing that? Seriously? I mean it was one thing when you lost the title to your car - that's yours and you're kind of allowed to do with it as you please, but a fucking birth certificate? I'm sure I sound like Jim Mora going "Playoffs?" but really? A birth certificate?

I'd never say my ex-wife is useless, but right now I can't think of a single useful thing that she does. Fucking idiot.

Later, I said:

I'll admit that I lost my birth certificate. But this was after several moves (one being a move of about 1000 miles) and I was oh, 24 or so. And it was mine to lose.

Star Wars Carpeting

We had a large discussion about floorcoverings in the Star Wars movies that kind of took on its own life...

My friend Ellie: But have you noticed? There *are* no fabric floor coverings in the Star Wars galaxy.
Weird, huh?
Me: Not true. Check Palpatine's office/home/home office thingamabob. Pretty sure there's carpeting there.
Oh, and Anakin and Padme's love nest/apartment thingamabob too.
My friend Ellie: Putting the words "Palpatine" and "home office" together makes funny stuff in my mind. I'm picturing him with a little coffee mug, going through an Ikea catalog.
Me: Just because he's the evil overlord of an entire galaxy doesn't mean the guy shops at the Pottery Barn
My friend Matt: Yeah, I peg him more for Crate and Barrel . . .
Me: True. He could afford the over-priced tackiness of C&B I suppose.
Me: Or you know, he could always threaten to electrocute the ever-loving shit out of the clerk.

Palpatine: "I want this $90 tea set for free."
Dalton, the over-enthusiastic C&B register jockey: "I'll have to check with my floor manager."
Palpatine: "And now, you will die."
My friend Max: Are you guys kidding me? She nailed it in the first try. The furniture is all Ikea and the deadly bottomless shafts and art is all from Sharper Image.
My friend Dena: I just did a google search for star wars carpet.
Me: How much of that came back as poorly drawn hentai?

January 2009 Funnies (Part 1)

January 2, 2009

(About not having a PS3)

Yeah I'm behind the times. I guess I'll just sit here and watch Starman on Betamax.

January 5, 2009

The only thing funnier than a soccer riot is soccer.

January 6, 2009

You're only as old as your kids make you feel.

(About a friend's new co-worker, whose name is "Binky Huang")

I like the way it just rolls off of the tongue.

Binky Huang

Say it three times fast, kinda like Beetlejuice

BinkyHuangBinkyHuangBinkyHuang

brb azn

(About Eleanor Roosevelt)

Holy shit - that looks like Gilbert Gottfried.

Billy Mays should reinvent himself as a foul-mouthed shock comic. Serious.

January 7, 2009

Know what made me feel better this morning? Driving to work with The Imperial March playing at a high volume. I tell you, if I could use telekinesis to choke the life out of people, I would demand that be played wherever I go.
There must be some sort of switch in my brain that triggers a neurochemical reaction whenever I hear that song. It's like I can feel my pupils dilating and my testosterone levels shooting through the roof while wave after wave of "I WILL FUCK YOUR SHIT UP" comes over me like a torrential flood.

Ok I just went into the bathroom and some guy was in there using his Bluetooth headset to take a call. Really dude? Were you trying to get your co-workers to listen to me taking a leak?
He's lucky he wasn't in there about half an hour earlier when I saw this guy running into the bathroom at full speed and then a few seconds later I heard a sound that can only be described as a cross between a really wet fart and someone dropping a tire into a toilet. That would have made quite an impression on his colleagues I'm sure.
I just don't understand people at all. I thought we all had this little part of our brains that told us things like "Walking into a men's room while talking on the phone is just a *bad idea*. I guess not.

Me: Wow I just met the two guys from India whose trip I helped arrange. Super nice guys and they gave me an ornate box with a little porcelain statue of Ganesh. I feel bad because what can I give them that's representative of Delaware? A traffic cone?
My friend Chris: Hmmm, is there anything that Delaware is famous for? I certainly can't think of anything.
Me: Tax-free shopping? NASCAR in Dover? Being a suburb of Philadelphia? If these guys weren't vegetarians, I'd get them each a brick of lowfat cream cheese because Delaware is Philly Lite.

(About Met-Art porn)

I came, I saw, I came again.

These pics are why a poor Eastern Europe is a good idea.

BILLY MAYS (PART DEUX - THAT'S FRENCH FOR TWO)

HI FOLKS BILLY MAYS HERE AND I HAVE A REVOLUTIONARY NEW PRODUCT TO TELL YOU ABOUT - IT'S FUCKING RON MOTHERFUCKING PAUL! THAT'S RIGHT YOU SHIT-EATING HAMSTER-FUCKER, RON MOTHERFUCKING PAUL IS NEW BECAUSE WHAT'S OLD IS NEW, WHAT'S NEW IS OLD, AND FUCK YOUR MOTHER THAT'S WHY. FUCK YEAH RON PAUL, YOU FESTERING POT OF HIPPOPOTAMUS DIARRHEA. YOU KNOW YOU FUCKING WANT TO JACK THE FUCK OFF WHEN YOU SEE RON PAUL FOR PRESIDENT" SIGNS POSTED ALONG THE HIGHWAYS EVEN THOUGH THE ELECTION HAS BEEN OVER FOR ALMOST 3 FUCKING MONTHS. THAT'S RIGHT - THREE MOTHERFUCKING MONTHS YOU SON OF A UKRANIAN PROSTITUTE! CALL RIGHT THE FUCK NOW, AND WE'LL DOUBLE YOUR ORDER - THAT'S RIGHT DOUBLE YOUR GOD DAMNED ORDER FOR YOU AND YOUR WART INFESTED GAPING ANUS! HERE'S HOW TO ORDER!

December Funnies (Part 3)

December 26, 2008

My friend Sam: Happy boxing day.
Me: A day to celebrate Mike Tyson? AWESOME!

I'm going to talk all high pitched today and maybe get a tattoo on my face later!

About the band in Jabba's Palace in Return of the Jedi:
The group are classified as jizz-wailers, which, according to the Star Wars Encyclopedia , refers to a "musician who plays a fast, contemporary, and upbeat style of music."

I jizz-wailed a little bit ago, but it had nothing to do with Star Wars or music.

December 29, 2008

The Browns were named after Paul Brown. Then they moved to Baltimore to become the Ravens and actually win. Then the NFL started a new team in Cleveland to continue on with the Browns tradition of playing like absolute ass.

The Buffalo Bills were named after Buffalo Bill who contrary to popular belief, did not die of kidney failure. He instead died of choking on man-meat courtesy of some Giant(s) Redskins and Cowboys.

December 30, 2009

They should make tard roads specifically for the SpEds to drive on. They could put up giant plastic bumpers along the side of the road like when they take the tards bowling, and could even make the cars that drive on the tard roads sort of a cross between go-karts and bumper cars.

And of course everyone on the tard road will need to wear their hockey helmets.

My friend Ellie: Yay, I can make fun of the doctor instead of Speech Rec! From a labor and delivery admission report:
"She did have a previous vaginal delivery in 2006, a 2-year-old that weighed 8 pounds 5 ounces and was healthy and active."
She delivered a two-year-old? I'll BET he was active!
Me: If she waited 2 years to deliver, I'll bet you could fit a tuba into her vagina.

Bloody lol?

I just imagined Count von Count going "AH AH AH AH" with blood all over the place like some Cannibal Corpse album cover. It was pretty awesome.

When your parents are a hardcore atheist and a Buddhist, a Seventh-Day Adventist church-run daycare isn't the place for you.

I've never had the pleasure of flying over Ohio - I've always had the misfortune of driving through it. :-(

Driving in Pennsylvania Rant

Have I ever told you guys how awful driving in rural Pennsylvania is? Imagine this - as soon as you leave your state with fairly nice roads, you're magically transported to the transportation anus of the world. Imagine roads like you'd see in Somalia - roads that haven't been repaved or taken care of in years. There are no shoulders on the roads - usually just steep embankments about half as high as your car or higher just inches off of the side of the road. Everyone drives either 30 mph over or 30 mph under the speed limit, so you'll be hauling ass along what appears to be a similar track to Space Mountain to keep yourself from being run the fuck over by a semi truck only to have to jam on your brakes to avoid ass-ending some jackoff going 15 down a state road. Good luck trying to find anything because apparently PennDOT is too god damned cheap to pay for street signs, so you're forced to rely on directions like "Go past the building that looks like it was bombed and then make a left at the traffic sticks. Then make a right at the fourth cornfield - that's the one with the cow with three legs."

tl;dr - Fuck PennDOT and fuck driving in PA

And a little later

Most people fail to realize that just because you don't wreck your car and annihilate half a county on the way to the Acme doesn't mean you're a good driver. It means you didn't kill anyone this time.