The Filthy Mind of a Neat Freak

January 2009 Funnies (Part 2)

2009-01-20T12:00:00.000-08:00

January 8, 2009

Some things you don't ever tell your girlfriend/fiancee/wife. This includes:

- Which of your former partners were better sexually than she is
- What you did during your bachelor party
- About naked photos you've sent to other people

(About a partner's past history)

Do yourself a favor. Sit her down and tell her that just as there are things that you are probably better off not knowing about her, there are certain things about you that she probably doesn't need to know every single gory detail about. Tell her that you love her and trust her and know she feels the same way toward you, and that even if she slept with the Harlem Globetrotters and Washington Generals you'll still love her just the same.

My ex-wife would always tell me about stuff she did with ex-boyfriends and I'd be like "You know, I really don't want to know this. Even though I know you weren't as pure as the driven snow when I met you, I still don't need to be reminded of all the road salt you carry with you."
I think if I ever get married again, I'll be a little less direct with the similies and metaphors. :-\

Is it bad that all I've ever had was white girls? It just kinda worked out that all I've ever slept with are white. Definitely looking to expand my horizons though, so to speak. My penis is colorblind.

When in doubt, shut your mouth.

It took a few seconds to say "I do." It took over a year and a good chunk of money to say "I don't."

January 9, 2009

This guy I work with just moved out of his office on a six-month assignment a few weeks ago. Today an envelope came to his old office, and I somehow wound up with it. Why am I telling you this? Because imagine having the following IM conversation with someone who looks like George Bluth.

Me (2:47:44 PM): I have a package that came for you today
George Bluth (2:47:50 PM): thanks
Me (2:48:03 PM): No problem - I'll send it to your new address
George Bluth (2:48:28 PM): is it cash?
Me (2:48:52 PM): If it is, you should retire sooner rather than later. It's
pretty heavy for a manila envelope.
Me (2:48:57 PM): :-D
George Bluth (2:58:44 PM): could be my viagra shipment
Me (2:58:58 PM): lol

January 12, 2009

(About Hooters restaurant)

I went once because I was at the 24 Hours of Daytona race and it got cold, so I left. As soon as I left I had to pee, so I went across the street to Hooters and waited for my mom to come pick me up. Oh, and I peed too.

January 13, 2009

My friend Ellie: Oh....my.....God.
Bear in mind this guy is my absolute worst dictator. Worst. And uh, yeah, this sentence will definitely need to be recast.
"He says over the weekend he was sick with diarrhea, and he could not cough it up, and he was wheezing."
*shudder*
Me: I always try coughing and wheezing my diarrhea first, but it usually winds up just shooting out of my ass.

(About Joe the Plumber's "wartime correspondence")

See and I'm still trying to figure out how an attention whoring construction worker is given the same credibility as Edward R. Murrow. That'd be like giving my dumb ass an hour news show on CNN - it'd be like 5 minutes of me spouting off about how I feel about a certain issue and then 55 minutes of jokes about boobs and poop. It sure as hell wouldn't put me on par with Anderson Cooper or Christiane Amanpour.

January 14, 2009

I always count on others to drive like morons because most of them are morons.

(About the death of Ricardo Montalban)

If I remember right, his film credentials were pretty impressive, however I'm sure he'll be remembered most for those three simple words.
Rich. Corinthian. Leather.

January 15, 2009

Eugene: AAAAAHHHHH
It's a catastrophe
No sugar for the coffee
T____T
What the hell is this Somalia and we can't have sugar for our coffee because
of a collapsed government and marauding bands of pirates?
FFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUU-
I WILL NOT STAND FOR THIS
I AM A MAN AND WIILL NOT BE SUBJECTED TO SUCH INHUMANE CONDITIONS
ATTICA! ATTICA! ATTICA!

(To my friend Dena, who was offered a permanent position where she works)

When you go perm, you should get a perm. And perhaps wear wooly leggings and Keds.

My friend Jay: I may have to go find Natalie Portman and kiss her for the first time. Or at least rent Garden State and watch Zach Braff do it.
Me: Is it too late for me to volunteer to make out with Natalie Portman?

I've got homemade turkey soup. But it's at home. Where I made it.

My friend Ellie: lol, under "Recommendations" on a report where a particular bacterial infection is suspected but cultures have not come back yet:
"The patient will be put on Diflucan, and if her symptoms abate, that would be terrific."
Now that's science!
My friend Dena: It's the House method of treatment!
Me: No, that would be to call the patient an idiot, rule out lupus, and wind up saving their lives by almost killing them. Oh yeah, and lots of Vicodin. For you, not the patient.

(About the difference between guys getting and women getting the equivalent of blue balls)

Me: Sitting in soaked panties is far different than feeling like your balls are in a vise.
Me: Here's hoping that none of us experience blue balls or uhh violet vagina?
My friend Bob: That sounds like more of a gynohorticultural problem.
Me: I GUESS THAT'S WHY THEY CALL IT A FLOWER XD

January 18, 2009

OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST HAD A POTENTIALLY REVOLUTIONARY IDEA

I want to make chili with ground up bacon instead of beef. Great idea or greatest idea in the history of mankind?
I'm thinking it will be the epicest epic that ever epiced.

January 20, 2009

My friend Ellie: Okay, Texas is behind the times. There are just way too many people using cocaine. Don't they know the 80's are over?
Me: I wonder what it looks like when you wear chaps over a pair of parachute pants...

I'm shocked that not once during all of the inaugural festivities did I hear a stirring rendition of Chocolate Rain. I mean, an epic dirge against the societal ills of racism has no place during the swearing in of our first African-American President?

(About my friend Dena's co-worker)

I don't know if the woman is crazy. I think she's just lonely and probably has nothing else going on in her otherwise unremarkable and insignificant life worth anything, so in order to make herself feel something resembling useful she feels the need to constantly belittle other people when they infringe on some sort of "territory" that she has staked out for herself. Perhaps a subtle reminder to her every so often that she will most likely die alone and unnoticed might get her to stop being such a bitch?
I know as fucked up as I am, there are people out there who are a.) more fucked up and b.) less adept at masking their damage. Those who fit both criteria deserve pity or scorn, depending upon whether or not I'm feeling like an arrogant dick. Today, I'm feeling like an arrogant dick.

Ex-wife Rant

2009-01-16T12:00:00.000-08:00

Allow me to rant for a minute please...

Can someone explain to me how the fuck you lose your child's birth certificate? Can someone explain to me how you don't notice it's missing until the day your ex-husband is going to register the child for school? I can see misplacing the water bill or the directions for the tv remote, but a fucking birth certificate for your own fucking child? How the fuck do you go about doing that? Seriously? I mean it was one thing when you lost the title to your car - that's yours and you're kind of allowed to do with it as you please, but a fucking birth certificate? I'm sure I sound like Jim Mora going "Playoffs?" but really? A birth certificate?

I'd never say my ex-wife is useless, but right now I can't think of a single useful thing that she does. Fucking idiot.

Later, I said:

I'll admit that I lost my birth certificate. But this was after several moves (one being a move of about 1000 miles) and I was oh, 24 or so. And it was mine to lose.

Star Wars Carpeting

2009-01-12T12:00:00.000-08:00

We had a large discussion about floorcoverings in the Star Wars movies that kind of took on its own life...

My friend Ellie: But have you noticed? There *are* no fabric floor coverings in the Star Wars galaxy.
Weird, huh?
Me: Not true. Check Palpatine's office/home/home office thingamabob. Pretty sure there's carpeting there.
Oh, and Anakin and Padme's love nest/apartment thingamabob too.
My friend Ellie: Putting the words "Palpatine" and "home office" together makes funny stuff in my mind. I'm picturing him with a little coffee mug, going through an Ikea catalog.
Me: Just because he's the evil overlord of an entire galaxy doesn't mean the guy shops at the Pottery Barn
My friend Matt: Yeah, I peg him more for Crate and Barrel . . .
Me: True. He could afford the over-priced tackiness of C&B I suppose.
Me: Or you know, he could always threaten to electrocute the ever-loving shit out of the clerk.

Palpatine: "I want this $90 tea set for free."
Dalton, the over-enthusiastic C&B register jockey: "I'll have to check with my floor manager."
Palpatine: "And now, you will die."
My friend Max: Are you guys kidding me? She nailed it in the first try. The furniture is all Ikea and the deadly bottomless shafts and art is all from Sharper Image.
My friend Dena: I just did a google search for star wars carpet.
Me: How much of that came back as poorly drawn hentai?

January 2009 Funnies (Part 1)

2009-01-07T12:00:00.000-08:00

January 2, 2009

(About not having a PS3)

Yeah I'm behind the times. I guess I'll just sit here and watch Starman on Betamax.

January 5, 2009

The only thing funnier than a soccer riot is soccer.

January 6, 2009

You're only as old as your kids make you feel.

(About a friend's new co-worker, whose name is "Binky Huang")

I like the way it just rolls off of the tongue.

Binky Huang

Say it three times fast, kinda like Beetlejuice

BinkyHuangBinkyHuangBinkyHuang

brb azn

(About Eleanor Roosevelt)

Holy shit - that looks like Gilbert Gottfried.

Billy Mays should reinvent himself as a foul-mouthed shock comic. Serious.

January 7, 2009

Know what made me feel better this morning? Driving to work with The Imperial March playing at a high volume. I tell you, if I could use telekinesis to choke the life out of people, I would demand that be played wherever I go.
There must be some sort of switch in my brain that triggers a neurochemical reaction whenever I hear that song. It's like I can feel my pupils dilating and my testosterone levels shooting through the roof while wave after wave of "I WILL FUCK YOUR SHIT UP" comes over me like a torrential flood.

Ok I just went into the bathroom and some guy was in there using his Bluetooth headset to take a call. Really dude? Were you trying to get your co-workers to listen to me taking a leak?
He's lucky he wasn't in there about half an hour earlier when I saw this guy running into the bathroom at full speed and then a few seconds later I heard a sound that can only be described as a cross between a really wet fart and someone dropping a tire into a toilet. That would have made quite an impression on his colleagues I'm sure.
I just don't understand people at all. I thought we all had this little part of our brains that told us things like "Walking into a men's room while talking on the phone is just a *bad idea*. I guess not.

Me: Wow I just met the two guys from India whose trip I helped arrange. Super nice guys and they gave me an ornate box with a little porcelain statue of Ganesh. I feel bad because what can I give them that's representative of Delaware? A traffic cone?
My friend Chris: Hmmm, is there anything that Delaware is famous for? I certainly can't think of anything.
Me: Tax-free shopping? NASCAR in Dover? Being a suburb of Philadelphia? If these guys weren't vegetarians, I'd get them each a brick of lowfat cream cheese because Delaware is Philly Lite.

(About Met-Art porn)

I came, I saw, I came again.

These pics are why a poor Eastern Europe is a good idea.

BILLY MAYS (PART DEUX - THAT'S FRENCH FOR TWO)

2009-01-06T12:00:00.001-08:00

HI FOLKS BILLY MAYS HERE AND I HAVE A REVOLUTIONARY NEW PRODUCT TO TELL YOU ABOUT - IT'S FUCKING RON MOTHERFUCKING PAUL! THAT'S RIGHT YOU SHIT-EATING HAMSTER-FUCKER, RON MOTHERFUCKING PAUL IS NEW BECAUSE WHAT'S OLD IS NEW, WHAT'S NEW IS OLD, AND FUCK YOUR MOTHER THAT'S WHY. FUCK YEAH RON PAUL, YOU FESTERING POT OF HIPPOPOTAMUS DIARRHEA. YOU KNOW YOU FUCKING WANT TO JACK THE FUCK OFF WHEN YOU SEE RON PAUL FOR PRESIDENT" SIGNS POSTED ALONG THE HIGHWAYS EVEN THOUGH THE ELECTION HAS BEEN OVER FOR ALMOST 3 FUCKING MONTHS. THAT'S RIGHT - THREE MOTHERFUCKING MONTHS YOU SON OF A UKRANIAN PROSTITUTE! CALL RIGHT THE FUCK NOW, AND WE'LL DOUBLE YOUR ORDER - THAT'S RIGHT DOUBLE YOUR GOD DAMNED ORDER FOR YOU AND YOUR WART INFESTED GAPING ANUS! HERE'S HOW TO ORDER!

December Funnies (Part 3)

2008-12-31T12:00:00.000-08:00

December 26, 2008

My friend Sam: Happy boxing day.
Me: A day to celebrate Mike Tyson? AWESOME!

I'm going to talk all high pitched today and maybe get a tattoo on my face later!

About the band in Jabba's Palace in Return of the Jedi:
The group are classified as jizz-wailers, which, according to the Star Wars Encyclopedia , refers to a "musician who plays a fast, contemporary, and upbeat style of music."

I jizz-wailed a little bit ago, but it had nothing to do with Star Wars or music.

December 29, 2008

The Browns were named after Paul Brown. Then they moved to Baltimore to become the Ravens and actually win. Then the NFL started a new team in Cleveland to continue on with the Browns tradition of playing like absolute ass.

The Buffalo Bills were named after Buffalo Bill who contrary to popular belief, did not die of kidney failure. He instead died of choking on man-meat courtesy of some Giant(s) Redskins and Cowboys.

December 30, 2009

They should make tard roads specifically for the SpEds to drive on. They could put up giant plastic bumpers along the side of the road like when they take the tards bowling, and could even make the cars that drive on the tard roads sort of a cross between go-karts and bumper cars.

And of course everyone on the tard road will need to wear their hockey helmets.

My friend Ellie: Yay, I can make fun of the doctor instead of Speech Rec! From a labor and delivery admission report:
"She did have a previous vaginal delivery in 2006, a 2-year-old that weighed 8 pounds 5 ounces and was healthy and active."
She delivered a two-year-old? I'll BET he was active!
Me: If she waited 2 years to deliver, I'll bet you could fit a tuba into her vagina.

Bloody lol?

I just imagined Count von Count going "AH AH AH AH" with blood all over the place like some Cannibal Corpse album cover. It was pretty awesome.

When your parents are a hardcore atheist and a Buddhist, a Seventh-Day Adventist church-run daycare isn't the place for you.

I've never had the pleasure of flying over Ohio - I've always had the misfortune of driving through it. :-(

Driving in Pennsylvania Rant

2008-12-30T12:00:00.001-08:00

Have I ever told you guys how awful driving in rural Pennsylvania is? Imagine this - as soon as you leave your state with fairly nice roads, you're magically transported to the transportation anus of the world. Imagine roads like you'd see in Somalia - roads that haven't been repaved or taken care of in years. There are no shoulders on the roads - usually just steep embankments about half as high as your car or higher just inches off of the side of the road. Everyone drives either 30 mph over or 30 mph under the speed limit, so you'll be hauling ass along what appears to be a similar track to Space Mountain to keep yourself from being run the fuck over by a semi truck only to have to jam on your brakes to avoid ass-ending some jackoff going 15 down a state road. Good luck trying to find anything because apparently PennDOT is too god damned cheap to pay for street signs, so you're forced to rely on directions like "Go past the building that looks like it was bombed and then make a left at the traffic sticks. Then make a right at the fourth cornfield - that's the one with the cow with three legs."

tl;dr - Fuck PennDOT and fuck driving in PA

And a little later

Most people fail to realize that just because you don't wreck your car and annihilate half a county on the way to the Acme doesn't mean you're a good driver. It means you didn't kill anyone this time.

Rant About a Persistant Hardware Sales Company

2008-12-30T12:00:00.000-08:00

Dear Company Representative,

Please stop calling me, IM'ing me, e-mailing me, or otherwise trying to contact me in any way shape or form every five minutes regarding the purchase order I put in less than an hour ago. Yes, I realize that it's for a lot of money - that's part of why it took so long for it to get entered, because no one wants to be the guy that fucked up a job of that size, especially me. Yes, I also understand that this is on a deadline, however please realize that as soon as I had all necessary information I sent it off to the appropriate person. No, it probably hasn't been looked at yet, and there's nothing I can do about it. The only person that can do anything with this is the VP, and he's skiing in Vail. I value my job too much to try and bother him while he's on the slopes, so kindly fuck off and leave me the fuck alone before I punch you right in the dick, hopefully ensuring someone as annoying as you can't possibly procreate.

Eat shit asshole,

Me

(p.s. while I was typing this, the dickhead IM'ed me again.)

December Funnies (Part 2)

2008-12-25T15:53:00.000-08:00

December 11, 2008

(About the show Parking Wars)

It's a show on A&E where they follow people who work at the Philadelphia Parking Authority doing various jobs - ticketing cars, booting cars, working at the impound lot. I love it. They had some guy last night who was yelling at the booters not to boot his daughters car, even after they told him they weren't going to boot it and that she needed to call the DMV to get things straightened out. At one point he made a move at the cameraman like he was going to hit him, and all I could think is "Holy shit, that is one giant pissed off retard."
The PPA isn't exactly known for being friendly, so it's kinda odd seeing them as people doing their jobs instead of marauding pirates that rob the general population.

December 12, 2008

(About looking for the movies Zombie Strippers and Lost Boys: The Tribe)

Two things I'll have to look for on Pirate Bay. :-)
Actually three things if you include swap 2 - Electric Puke and Poo

My friend Dena: I dunno...it could have turned out like one of those bad SciFi movies where everyone in it thinks they're all doing something oscar-worthy.
Me: I thought you liked Star Trek
My friend Dena: Not particularly :) Where in the world would you get the idea that I did?
Me: I dunno. I just kind of assumed. Which made an ass out of you and me. But then again I'm always an ass, so now you're like me.

HAHA ENJOY YOUR LONLIENESS DENA

December 16, 2008

My friend Ellie: Yeah. I'm just ranting. I hear it's en vogue. :)
Me: Ranting is a mildly successful mid-90's R&B girl group?

(About a Romanian blood transfusion patient)

I just got an image of Count Dracula with one of those baseball hats with the dual straw thingies and 2 pints of blood strapped to the top.

December 22, 2008

Mold. It's good for your spores.

This is why putting "regular Joe American" in power is a bad idea.

Because regular Joe American is a fucking moron.

I just got back from a work party. It was ok, except my co-workers were there.

December 23, 2008

(About chihuahuas)

There is nothing ok about a breed of dog that it's sole purposes in life are to:

a.) constantly make yipping sounds
b.) piss all over everything
3.) shake like a crackhead

Yeah it's great being interested in a girl only to hear her talk about going to Disney with her husband and kids, or about how supportive her boyfriend is, or how she'd date you if you didn't have kids. Why sometimes I have to pinch myself just so I don't think I'm dreaming.

This makes my pee pee sad.

You Can Get ANYTHING At Amazon

2008-12-25T11:48:00.000-08:00

12:48 PM me: OH MY GOD
12:49 PM me: If you look up "slaves" on amazon, there are 68 listings under "Home Improvement"
12:49 PM me: So wrong...

Then later on...

I think for fun, I'm going to start a prank wishlist. The items will be:

a ski mask
duct tape
a gun
ammunition
rope
a giant sack
a book on "How to rob a bank"

Alan and Me Vol. 3

2008-12-25T11:37:00.000-08:00

I tried to come up with some sort of preface for this, but I just can't.

10:51 AM me: I'm so glad I'm working from home
10:51 AM me: I think I just threw up out of my butt
10:51 AM me: It was like I was hiding a gallon of chocolate milk
11:09 AM Alan: yesterday i buttpuked such a large turd i sang an ode to it called Chocolate Brain
11:10 AM me: lol
11:10 AM me: Dude this was seriously gnarly
11:10 AM me: I had to sprint back to the bathroom because i thought I was done, but I wasn't
11:10 AM me: Seriously, I don't remember drinking a gallon of coffee yesterday

Conversation with M

2008-12-15T11:00:00.000-08:00

M is a good friend of mine. hSe gets hit on by creeps and doesn't afraid of anything...

12:03 PM M: zomg
12:03 PM M: friend sent me $350
12:04 PM me: nice!
12:05 PM M: yeah
12:05 PM M: it's a farker
12:05 PM M: :\
12:06 PM me: hehe why doesn't that surprise me?
12:07 PM me: Get him to send me some $ too
12:07 PM M: :(
12:07 PM M: he wants me to move out to california
12:08 PM H: says he has a plane ticket for me whenever I want it
12:08 PM M: I didn't believe him, so he sent me $350 to prove he was serious
12:08 PM me: That's kinda creepy

Later on

12:29 PM M: :( the green shoes are the only ones left :(
12:29 PM M: http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&ssPageName=STRK:MEWAX:IT&item=220327245123
12:29 PM M: sfw
12:29 PM me: Maybe your friend bought the other pairs and has them waiting for you in his basement.
12:29 PM M: you're a bastard
12:29 PM M: I <3 you

Alan and Me

2008-12-10T17:31:00.000-08:00

My friend Alan and I have interesting conversations. At least they're interesting to me. And possibly to him, too.

Mind you, these are usually while I'm at work.

December 10, 2008

12:46 PM me: I can't wait to go home
12:47 PM I haven't had internet at home since Friday and I got it turned back on today.
FIVE WHOLE DAYS OF PRON DIDN'T GET DOWNLOADED
I'll never catch up
T____T

1:24 PM me: I need one of those 800 Gig external Hard drives
1:27 PM Who knew there were so many naked women on the internet?
Alan: well to be fair , 40% of all nudes are jenna jameson
1:28 PM me: another 5% are copies of tubgirl

4:10 PM me: I wonder if fleas ever have fleasomes.

December 9, 2008

8:32 AM Alan: Fran Drescher is going to run for the Senate. :-/
8:34 AM me: She could run for Majority Whip.
IN MY PANTS
8:41 AM me: Ok I'm not really sure what that meant, but whatever.
8:42 AM Alan: lol
hold on im making euphemisisms for people who like to have sex with plants
8:43 AM me: Makin Terri Schiavo groan
Alan: LOLOL

December 5, 2008

10:46 AM Alan: reading an article about a dude who fapped to death
me: wat
11:23 AM me: I suppose you think that story is funny.
THAT COULD BE ME
:-(
11:30 AM Alan: :-/
n dude i always laugh with you
really
me: lol
Does that story mean I attempted suicide this morning?

Damn, we've been bland thus far. Usually it's all about anatomically correct dinosaurs and jokes about retarded kids shitting themselves.

December Funnies (Part 1)

2008-12-10T15:38:00.000-08:00

December 1, 2008

I got an e-mail from the director of one of the organizations here that said "pls help" twice earlier. I wasn't sure on the directions, and it took almost all of my willpower to not respond simply
wat

This Christmas, I'm going to give the clap. It's the gift that keeps on dripping.

December 2, 2008

In-N-Out tastes like it's been in-n-out of someone's ass.

December 3, 2008

(About astronaut ice-cream)

I wonder since it's dehydrated - if you ate enough of it if you would poop pink, white, and brown dust?

I dunno what a Gelfling is, but I'll bet if you fed it the right things it would look like a tractor trailer slammed on the brakes in the Gelfling's underpants.

December 10, 2008

Some of the world's greatest minds have been called crazy. Then again, they call the guy at the 7-Eleven that smells like pee and talks to the light pole crazy too...

I know why they tell you not to drink and drive - because when you throw up on yourself while driving, you still have to finish driving home in your own puke.

LiveJournal is for 15 year old Russian emo kids.

Know what's awesome? Putting a Taser on your Amazon wishlist.
Know what's awesome-r? Getting someone to buy you the Taser on your Amazon wishlist.

I'm Matt from New Jersey and I lost 6 pounds when my head exploded like JFK while I was on Hydroxycut!

I guess I've got big balls, just like Bon Scott. Hopefully I can use the powers granted to me by my massive testicles to avoid choking to death on my own vomit.

Excuse me, no one is allowed to talk to me when I have my dick in my hand.

At work, there are only 2 urinals and 2 toilets, so sometimes it's unavoidable having someone pissing next to you. And I'm ok with that because there's no other alternative. But I really hate it when guys start talking to me about my plans for the weekend or what I did last night when I'm holding my cock because it's hard to talk about what I want to do this weekend without turning and yelling "STUFFING THIS INTO SOME BROAD'S MOUTH"

See that doesn't bother me. I almost want people to hear me. It's like yeah, motherfucker I'm taking a giant shit, and you have to stand there and listen to me annihilate this toilet. You have to try and hold your breath and not inhale the noxious fumes coming from my asshole. Enjoy being a Kurd to my Saddam Hussein, dickhead.
When I take a crap, Satan cries a little.

(To a friend about letting his nine-year-old son watch The Dark Knight)

I haven't seen it, but unless you feel comfortable discussing why Heath Ledger shoves a pencil up his ass with him I would vote "no".

November Funnies (Part 2)

2008-11-30T12:00:00.000-08:00

November 14, 2008

See I'd love to see a movie with Jedi fighting off mutants with chainsaws and tentacle rape monsters, preferrably with a death metal soundtrack.

Ahahahaha the guy in the conference room next to me is ending his conference call and said "Does anyone have anything they want to share?" and my first instinct was to say very loudly that I love my penis.

I can geek out about things, just not geeky things. I'm the anti-geek, but in the geekiest way possible.

I dunno. lol

(Talking about a girl abandoned by her parents at a Nebraska hospital)

Hmm 17 years old, abandoned in the middle of nowhere... No money, no friends, nothing...

I'll bet she surfaces at a strip club in Lincoln going by "Diamond".

(About a photo showing President Bush and a women's sports team flashing some sort of hand signal)

Fancy hand signals - not just for inner city poor kids and the deaf anymore.

November 16, 2008

Every mushroom has a different flavor, and while I've never tasted jizz I can't say I've ever had a mushroom that smelled like bleach and tadpoles.

November 17, 2008

Paste was minty. If they didn't want kids to eat it, they should have made it taste like burning rubber instead of something yummy.

Isn't that the point of Viagra? To magically fix something that's been broken for years?

November 19, 2008

Jello friction. Sounds like either an awesome punk band or a bad porno movie.

November 20, 2008

(To a friend asking how to propose to his girlfriend)

I say do it in the form of a knock-knock joke.

"Knock-knock"
"Who's there?"
"Will"
"Will who?"
"Will who marry me?"

Knock-knock jokes are appropriate for all of life's serious occasions.

"Knock-knock"
"Who's there?"
"Grandma's dead"

November 22, 2008

Yeah but you're Canadian. You celebrate July 4th in the snow.

November 24, 2008

If only I could give people nervous tics or induce seizures.

No really, I wish I could.

November Funnies (Part 1)

2008-11-10T13:17:00.000-08:00

November 3, 2008

(About an Aerosmith-themed ride at Disney)

I am imagining a roller coaster that goes up and down over mountains of blow.

November 5, 2008

Warren G. Harding (better known as Warren G.) was our first black President. He and Nate Dogg had to regulate on Germany, Austria, and Hungary.

(About doing a dance with co-workers to celebrate the Obama victory)

Not sure what to tell you. There aren't many people here I'd like to do the "we did it" dance with. I'd just wind up feeling dirty and questioning my judgement later on.

I'm actually rather touched that he remembered my affinity for Star Wars.

I am still not gonna bugger him though.

I think I just died inside a little. But it was probably a weak part of me anyway, and this has made me stronger.

(About why Rush Limbaugh didn't update his website for a day or two after Obama got elected)

Maybe he OD'd on oxycontin and doughnuts?

(About voting against a candidate running for local office who is anti-abortion, anti-pornography, and anti-premarital sex)

If she got in power, what would I be able to do for my "Teen moms in need of cash make dirty movies" fetish?

November 7, 2008

I always doubted Georgia's version of events because they had so much to gain and Russia had so much to lose with the scenario. Georgia was butthurt because NATO said they wouldn't let them join (mainly because their army is third-rate), and wants so desperately to sit at the cool kids table. They figured if they could provoke Russia into a war Russia wasn't keen on being in and defeat them rather quickly, NATO would see the error of their ways and let them join. Too bad they pissed off one of the top 3 militaries in the entire world. Oops!

Russia on the other hand was finally enjoying semi-normalized relations with the West, and invading a country would ruin any goodwill that had been built over the last 20 years or so. Then again, they weren't about to sit back and let a Third World "military" show them up on an international stage, so they UNLEASHED THE FUCKING FURY like a drunk Yngwie Malmsteen on a trans-Atlantic flight.

(About why Brit Hume stepped down from being an anchor on Fox News)

I hear his son defeated him in a duel and will help him remove his mask, thus helping him regain his humanity.

When I was in 5th grade, the teacher asked us to spell a word she pronounced as "chik". She would not use it in a sentence, so I spelled it "chick". She said it was wrong, and went on to the next kid. Several more people were disqualified when they could not spell it until finally one of the dumber kids in the class spelled out "chic". He went on to the spelling bee, and I learned that inbred redneck teachers shouldn't ever try to pronounce words with foreign origins.

November 10, 2008

Oh come on I can't be the only one who's fapped to flamingo porn...

My son just said that Barack Obama was his "homie".

God bless America.

October Funnies (Part 3)

2008-10-31T12:00:00.000-07:00

October 24, 2008

Ok I just realized something. I used to not be afraid of carnival rides. Oooh big deal, it spins me around or whatever. Not scary. Now I realize who put those rides together. Carnies. It's like my entire worldview has changed within the span of a few seconds. Is that like a paradigm shift?

(About a woman who claimed to have been attacked by pro-Obama supporters who supposedly carved a "B" into her face)

Here's what I don't understand - if she was attacked, how would she have known the guy was "enraged by her McCain bumper sticker"? Most times when someone attacks you and carves stuff into your face, they're not going to offer a dissertation on politics because THEY'RE BUSY TRYING TO FUCKING KILL YOU

I know of no one else who finds the idea of smiley face icons engaging in anal rape to be as humorous as I do.

They should be more specific, like saying "She has mental health issues such as this diagnosed disease" or "She has mental health issue because really, who the fuck does this?"

October 27, 2008

(About my son's Halloween costume as Anakin Skywalker)

Yeah well I didn't want (him) to look like Jake Lloyd because Jake Lloyd sucks. I didn't want him to look like Anakin in the second movie because Anakin looks like a complete twink. And I didn't want him to get fat and look like fat Anakin in the third movie. So cartoony was the way to go.

Ok guys halp - what is the proper protocol when a co-worker walks by your office and farts audibly?

I didn't expect a Daoist answer to a fart question. But it works.

See my office is directly across from the men's room. I can hear everything that goes on in there, and I know when someone goes in whether it's going to be quiet or if it's going to sound like a P-51 Mustang with a bad engine trying to take off.

Privacy - schmivacy. I've taken a dump on the side of I-4 in full view of rush hour traffic. If someone wants to watch me unleash the fury, then whatever man.

Unless the building is on fire, it can wait until I'm not touching my genitals.

I'm Buddhist. I pass gas because it's the right thing to do.

Sounds like the guy I knew whose job was to basically be a nanny to a bunch of retarded folks. He got fired when he took them to the porno store.

Me:Sarah Palin has a tard child. Well, at least she claims it's hers. So therefore John McCain loves tard kids and Barack Obama and his liberal minions say "Fuck your retarded kids."
My friend Sam: I was thinking about getting that as a bumper sticker. Good idea, or best idea ever?
Me: Not as good an idea as actually fu*cking a retarded kid.

What kind of fucking inbred moron lets their 8 year old shoot a fucking Uzi? Isn't there some part of their brain that says "You know, letting my kid play with an Israeli-made submachine gun is just a bad idea." ?

October 29, 2008

I caught myself thinking "I miss Alan. Who else am I going to tell I just took a dump so massive it got a Social Security number?"

I just took a crap so huge I had to give it a middle name!

Retirement funds are like chemistry. Most people think of them like Helium. It's a non-volatile gas that just keeps expanding, and given enough of it, your voice goes funny. The rest of us thought of it more like water. It was in for some expansion and contraction, and even susceptible to limited evaporation. But there'd still be enough at the end of the day to sustain us.
Lately, it's been like Lithium. It's basic and will react violently with water.

October 30, 2008

A friend and I were going to make nunchuks out of (sex toys) because really, who's going to go to the cops and say they were beaten by two guys wielding dildochuks?

(Later, about the dildochuks)

I was going to dress up like that retarded kid with the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles headband-thing that goes over your eyes and a Superman shirt.

I don't have a snappy comeback right now. So if I'm a dick later on for no apparent reason, this is the reason.

October 31, 2008

(About my Halloween costume)

I'm going to go out tonight dressed as myself. If and when a cute girl asks what my costume is, I will reply "Mr. Right."

(About Fresh Prince-rolling Alan)

What will happen is that Alan will see that and tell me that he hates me and that I'm a bastard. I'll remind him that if he truly hated me he wouldn't have responded that he hated me, he'd just block me. And then we'll laugh and tell dick and fart jokes.

(About being bored at work)

Meh I'll probably wind up spending it like most other days where I have nothing to keep me occupied - with my head in my hands sobbing.

Epicest Fresh Prince of All Time

2008-10-30T12:00:00.000-07:00

So if you've read this, you know that there's nothing I like more than Fresh Prince-rolling my friend Alan. It's so great - I'll somehow work it into a conversation, he'll get mad and tell me he hates me, I'll lol...

This time though was fucking epic. I was literally crying in public I was laughing so hard.

4:03 PM me: I' here dude
4:03 PM me: Jsut for a bit though
4:05 PM me: k I'm gonna head out
4:05 PM me: There's a couple of guys standing here
4:05 PM Alan: :-/
4:05 PM me: They're up to no good
4:05 PM Alan: what kinda guys?
4:05 PM Alan: OH
4:05 PM Alan: GOD
4:05 PM Alan: DAMN
4:05 PM Alan: YOU
4:05 PM me: They're starting o make trouble in my neighborhood
4:05 PM me: :-D
4:05 PM Alan: gah
4:05 PM me: Holy shit I'm crying
4:05 PM Alan: really
4:06 PM Alan: yuore a bastard
4:06 PM me: You totally fell for that
4:06 PM me: Oh shit man
4:06 PM me: I gotta run
4:06 PM Alan: i was all concerened even you assface!
4:06 PM Alan: ok
4:06 PM Alan: asshole
4:06 PM me: Gotta go put a cool cloth on my face
4:06 PM me: See you later

October Funnies (Part 2)

2008-10-21T12:00:00.000-07:00

October 10, 2008

I'd watch a Western flick that has a lion as the star.

Awesome. I've always wanted to smell like Bobby Bowden.

Jim Cramer is the Billy Mays of the financial world.

What you're looking at folks is a nation boiled down to it's lowest common denominator. And we've all seen what happens when you try and divide by zero.

Man, I was this close to screencapping the Dow losing 404 points on the day.

-404 - Retirement not found.

In other news, shares of Ford Motor Company are currently trading at $2.00 a share. So you can buy a share of the entire company for less than a gallon of gas that you would need to run your Ford Motor Car.

If I can multiply something by one and square it, I have the makings of a financial genius. SUCK MY PEETER, WARREN BUFFETT!

It's a cross between Princess Leia, a furry, and puberty.

It makes me sad in my pants.

October 12, 2008

Oh lord you guys. I just got back from the store with my son, and as we were leaving the parking lot, a rather attractive woman with her two small
children walk in front of the car. He goes "That woman is shakin it."

I said "What?" because I wasn't sure I heard him correctly.

He repeats "That woman is shakin it."

I just started laughing and said, "Yes. Yes she kinda is.

"

October 13, 2008

Nigella Lawson makes my pants fit funny. Wait, is she English? She makes my trousers fit wonky.

(About someone using a toucan beak as a speculum)

Follow your nose! It ALWAYS knows!

(About a cubicle-dweller being likened to a hamster)

Just crawl through the clear plastic tube into his cubicle and sniff his butt. He'll know you're friendly and not try and eat you.

(To a friend who works at a porno store)

Yeah but your work environment is different than mine. "Causal Friday" at my work wouldn't permit chaps (they're all assless) and a ponytail buttplug.

October 14, 2008

I want to be Mayor McCheese, if only so I can taser that bitch-ass Hamburglar.

October 15, 2008

SURPRISE! You just won an all-expenses paid (by you) trip to your local hospital's NICU unit, where you will spend the next three months tending to your infant child on the verge of death! Come marvel at the O2 tent! See the wonder of a defibrillator so small it runs on Duracell batteries!

Hey guys I had cajun eggplant covered in hot sauce for lunch, and I'm already passing what looks like motor oil now and my stomach sounds like a cheap bong. Can I go home now?

Tell them the reason you want to be a cop is because you tasered someone at a party and he peed his pants, and you thought that was the funniest thing you've ever seen and want to laugh like that again.

October 20, 2008

I laughed so hard I almost vomited.

October 22, 2008

(About Motley Crue)

Nothing says bad ass like four junkies in make up setting stuff on fire.

October 21, 2008

In the event of a zombie apocalypse, I'm going to need a samurai sword and a case of Red Bull. Oh, and maybe a blowtorch just for lulz. Wait, cancel the blowtorch and give me one of those boxing gloves on one of those scissory things that makes it shoot out far and fast.

I so want to touch Winona Ryder in an inappropriate manner. Mmm... hot kleptomaniac chicks on anti-wacky medicine.

Actually now that I think about it, Thriller isn't that good to breakdance to. You need shiat like "The Message" and Kurtis Blow - some real old school hip-hop shit. Yeah, EVERYONE listened to Thriller and I know everyone can do the Thriller dance, but I don't remember anyone actually breakin' to it - the beat is just kinda whack for that. Well, maybe the part without the horns - when you get the keyboards pumping that drum beat and synth bass line, you're ready to spin on your head like it's your freakin' job.

Ahh, the early 1980's. Where every show had some ridiculously hot chick, some sort of tricked out vehicle, and 8 times out of 10, a chimpanzee strictly along for the lulz. This is why tv sucks now. Somewhere between Mama's Family and the Golden Girls, we lost touch with what was good with America. :-(

I remember trying out the CB radio when it seemed like on every single show on tv the good guys used the CB as some sort of underground way of spreading justice and fighting crime. I was so disappointed to find out it's was really used for truckers to solicit gay sex and avoid DUI checkpoints. :-(

October 9

2008-10-09T12:00:00.000-07:00

For some reason, I was on a roll that day...

October 9, 2008

Me: I think every show on Bravo would be better with tasers.
My friend Max: Inside the Actor's Studio could be great.
Me:I was thinking more of something completely lame like Project Runway. When one of the contestants gets out of line and starts getting really bitchy that old gay man could just tase them.

"What's wrong with my design? No! Tell me what is so..."

tk-tk-tk-tk-tk-tk-tk-tk-tk

"AAAAAHHHHHH"

(About the new Paris Hilton reality show)

I can see why it would be fascinating to watch. But the show just reinforces my belief that humankind would be better off with California lying at the bottom of the Pacific Ocean.

SUP DAWG WE HEARD YOU LIKE POTASSIUM SO WE PUT BANANAS IN YO RIDE

Ok well I won't eat the raw seafood because I will die but I will try cooked and then I will watch anime and learn to speak Japanese and everything will BE SUPER KAWAII ^_^

My friend Max: And Vietnamese food is Chuck Norris in a crowd of nine year olds that are all other cuisines.
Me: Vietnamese food is pretty good, but I don't know if I would go that far. Maybe more like Jackie Chan? Sure it beats most things, but it doesn't beat all, and sometimes it's downright goofy.

Last time I went to Chicago with the ex-wife, we went to this sushi place (Sushi Wabi) in downtown with her hipster friends that live there. It was this uber-pretentious place - you know, warehouse ceiling, lots of hipsters, and even a DJ in a straw cowboy hat spinning "untiss untiss untiss untiss" music for the whole evening. It was great asking the "Hi I'm your waiter, and I'm better than you" guy (maybe girl? I dunno hipsters all look the same) what they had that was cooked. the look on his or her face was priceless. You'd have thought I stood up on the table and took a dump while singing "Raining Blood" by Slayer.

It was so weird being there. My dumb redneck ass with all of these Midwestern hipsters. lololol

Yeah man. My life has been one gigantic Robert Williams reality-meets-surreality experience.

Me: Not sure what the hottest I've ever eaten is. Most of the Indian cuisine I've had has been rather tame, but I have heard that they and the Vietnamese can be exceptionally cruel when it comes to spicy foods. These are the places I use my rule (of testing the heat first before asking for the hottest setting) at, since I don't savor the idea of returning to work from lunch with my face red, lips swollen, and crying with a running nose looking like Michael Irvin at his Hall of Fame speech.
My friend Ellie: I don't think I can take any level past "LEAVE BRITNEY ALONE!" myself...
Me: Chris Crocker is where I like to be, Michael Irvin is sometimes where I wind up. :-(

My tummy made an very unhappy gurgly noise too.

It is demanding a sacrifice of ham and okra and rice and corn. Luckily I brought some of that with me today, or else I'd have to turn my desk into a brazen altar and slaughter a fatted calf right here and now.

No fatted calves availble here (at work), unless you're talking about women's legs.

Would it be ironic to buy a Member's Only jacket at a club that is members only? Or would it just be bad ass?

Ok I don't know why, but I just got this image in my head of the opening scene in 2001: A Space Odyssey with the tribes of monkeys, except they were all office workers and instead of the one monkey beating the other with a femur the one office worker beat the other with a toner cartridge, and when he threw it up in the air, the monolith was in fact a gigantic stack of copy paper.

(About Padma Lakshmi)

Another hottie who proves love maybe blind, but it can smell money a mile away.

I got a bag of Herr's (local PA brand) Fiery Ranch that had an image of a red hot pepper playing an Explorer-style guitar in front of a tub of white stuff and all I could think of was "Yeah, Metallica really is kinda gay now."

Oh, and I've actually been to the Herr's factory.

My old roommate and this girl he was banging decided they were going to go to the Herr's Factory one day and invited me. They couldn't understand why I was so excited. We got there and took the tour, seeing the big chip kettles and potato slicers and crap. It was cool, but I was pretty disappointed because I didn't get to see how they made the cars that you put coffins in.

Metallica started sucking when they ran out of music to steal from Dave Mustaine.

Who needs retirement when you can just work until you fall over at your desk dead?

October Funnies (Part 1)

2008-10-08T12:00:00.000-07:00

October 1, 2008

One of my coworkers has a Tribble that she was showing off to me yesterday. It was weird. I didn't want to touch it. Apparently it vibrated. It made me very sad in my heart.

Damn I'm not that cheap, am I? I'd totally pay the difference for the bill and I'd even buy the condoms.

I went to a Renaissance Faire once. My cousin got married there. It was really weird. I decided to go home when the axe throwing guy wouldn't let me try.

I don't know if I'd want anyone lol'ing at me if I used chemical warfare on Mr. Happy.

I'd take it seriously because there are people with swords and axes and crap, and the last thing I want 500 people drunk on homemade mead to re-enact is the last scene in Braveheart where I wind up having my head chopped off and stuck on a pike.

My friend Dena: We (women) always feel smug and superior after sex anyway.
Me: I usually feel like a shower and a nap afterwards.

Was it a movie about a lonely pizza delivery guy who delivers an extra large sausage pizza to a sorority house?
I love that movie. The jazz-disco soundtrack was groundbreaking
for it's time.

I'll bet I've heard of most of those people I've never heard of.

(About porno pictures from Gimps Gone Wild)

My friend Dena: Why does that man not have testicles?
Me: I think that's the least of his worries.

October 2, 2008

My friend Max: I thought blathering about nothing at all was pretty much the charter of the GG.
Me: We're like one big episode of Seinfeld, but only we're funny.

October 3, 2008

(About an article about a jogger who was shot and killed)

"She was a woman with a huge heart and a huge brain, compassionate and wise beyond her years," said a friend, San Francisco lawyer Ben Rosenfeld.

I don't think the part about her having a huge brain holds true anymore after having her head blown off, Ben.

October 4, 2008

Dude you live in Minnesota, right? I was under the impression that Minnesota was like Canada Jr. when it came to hockey - like people would talk about it all the time and there'd be a hockey channel on tv and like everyone owns a set of pads and sticks just in case a hockey game breaks out...

October 6, 2008

I ate 2 chicken and cheese quesadillas last night for dinner and by the time I went to bed my stomach was swollen like one of those Ethiopian kids that hasn't eaten anything in a month.

I would have then resembled one of those toys you buy at Spencer's where you squeeze it and a little brown bubble comes out of the butt. Except it wouldn't have been a bubble, it'd have been poop. And it wouldn't have gone back in when you let up on the pressure.

"Daddy, why is that lady pushing on your tummy making you poop?"

"Go watch football, son."

I love going to my ex-wife's neighborhood because it is the epitome of why the US economy is in the toilet right now. The townhouses there go from
$175k on up, and the regular houses in the development behind her start at $300k. The school system is shiat, the traffic is horrible, the entire area
is becoming more and more crime ridden, and oh yeah, most everyone drives around in those huge ass Hummers and SUV's and I look at them and go "How in the hell can you afford this? If you really could afford a $50K vehicle and $200K townhome, wouldn't you want to live someplace nicer than here?"

Also because when I go there, I start singing that Elvis son "In The Ghetto" and it makes me laugh.

(About the movie Edward Penishands)

It's a cinematic experience - a classic love story told with eloquence and starring some of the greatest thespians of our era.

Internet libertarians aren't people. They're bots.

My friend Matt: So . . . I thought about going as the 'free candy' van for halloween, but the GF (who thinks it's hysterical) thinks some people might not think it's all that funny. What say you?
Me: Only if she goes as Chris Hanson

I always shy away from taking the funny from the internet to real life. I mean I would see that and laugh, and if I was with a friend, they'd ask me and I'd say "Well, this is funny on the internet, and he's brought it into real life, which in and of itself is funny, but the reference isn't funny since it's not online." and my friend would look at me funny, and I would feel awkward and funny and it wouldn't really be funny but I'd still be laughing.

I dunno. Something like that.

(About Halloween costumes)

My son is going as a Jedi. I am going to go as a broken, lonely, neurotic man with a hat.

Anyone have a hat I can borrow?

October 8, 2008

(About a topless doughnut shop)

I would advise against eating anything with the word "glazed" in the name.

(About Jamie-Lynn Spears being pregnant for a second time)

That boyfriend of hers must have Michael Phelps-like sperm.

Great. Now I have and image of Lionel Richie trapping some girl on the ceiling with what I can only describe as like a Spider-Man-esque webbing made from Lionel's own genetic distribution stuck in my head.

My friend Max: I wonder if the 'DNA' strands would form helixes as they dried . . .
Me: Dunno. I usually shower after covering myself in my own DNA.

Dick Cheney is our very own Palpatine, minus the wrinkles and (hopefully) force lightning.

Not sure which I'd rather have... Chocolate *mouse* cake or Chocolate *moose* cake.

Probably neither since I don't like chocolate.

(About taking the little one hiking)

I've taught (my son) important things , like how to tell what sticks make good walking sticks and how to pee in the bushes.

October 6 Rant

2008-10-06T12:00:00.000-07:00

This was, mind you, a couple weeks before the big stock market implosion.

Anyone wonder what it was like living in the fall of Rome? Wonder no more. We even have our very own Nero who read to schoolchildren while the Twin Towers burned, played golf while New Orleans drowned, and looked the other way while Wall Street raped every man, woman, and child who were not CEO's of Fortune 500 companies.

This country used to be great. It used to be a land of opportunity for everyone, where anyone could make it big if they worked hard. Now, all of the opportunity has been shipped overseas and the only people who can make it big are those who either have already made it big or those unscrupulous enough to lie, cheat, steal, and f*ck people over in a never-ending quest for more. Thanks to this quest I will not be able to retire ever, since my pension was discontinued in 2004 and instead replaced with the option of me to take money from my own paycheck and put it in the stock market. F*cking brilliant idea that was, except no one could answer me when I asked what would happen when the market crashed and inflation made the money I had stashed away meager even in the best case scenario. No one had a answer when I said that if you had offered someone a $100,000 retirement severance when they started in 1977 that they would have jumped all over it because in 1977 you could live rather well and for a long time on $100,000. However now when that person is getting ready to retire with that $100,000, they're looking at picking up a part-time gig greeting folks at Wal-Mart because it's either that or go without.

I used to love this country. I absolutely hate what it has become.

tl;dr - F*ck America

September Funnies (Part 3)

2008-09-25T12:00:00.000-07:00

September 24, 2008

(About 80's fashion coming back in style)

The first kid I see dressed like Crockett or Tubbs is getting punched right in the dick.

My friend Matt: So, my GF's mom just had knee replacement done. I want to send her a thoughtful and uplifting card/flowers/something ... what do I send that says "thinking of you" without saying "kissing up like all get out"?
Me: Make one with a picture of an operating room table on the front and have it say "From the deep blue sea to the clear blue sky" and on the inside have it say "Boy are we glad you didn't die! Love Matt and GF"

I want to see Dick Butkus and Mike Ditka in a fistfight.

I'll bet it would be akin to dropping a hydrogen bomb into a vat of awesome.

lolol NOW I know who she (Gov. Ruth Ann Minner of Delaware) looks like...

Large Marge from the Pee-Wee Herman movie.

Oh lawds I almost evacuated my bowels at my desk.

Man I so wish they had a Sonny's Bar-B-Q here. Nothing like walking into a barbecue place that has a big iron wagon wheel hanging over the salad bar and being served sweet tea by a woman named "Lurlene" or "Bobbi Jo" who has an accent as thick as the barbecue sauce they serve.

Eating at any chain restaurant in NYC or Chicago (excluding the original UNO's in Chicago) should warrant a kick in the dick. Like they should have some guy, no they should have Ray Guy at the door of every Applebee's in NYC that administers a booming kick to the crotch of anyone that walks through the door (excluding staff and bums just using the bathroom).

I'm thinking that this would help the retired and out-of-work NFL kickers get money. If only they'd had this available for poor Donald Igwebuike...

September 25, 2008

I'll bet McCain's plane has it's left turn signal on the entire way.

September Funnies (Part 2)

2008-09-23T12:00:00.000-07:00

September 16, 2008

(After I gave my ex-wife the movie Sideways for her birthday)

The next time I saw her, I said "How did you like your movie?" and she goes "You didn't watch that, did you?" I said "No." and she proceeds to tell me that the movie is about a guy who gets divorced and finds out his ex-wife is dating someone and he has a nervous breakdown or something. And I was like "Uhh oops sorry about that. I didn't know mumble mumble" and she started laughing at me.

It was rather uncomfortable.

September 17, 2008

Any time I get to make a Cop Rock reference an angel gets it's wings.

Holy crap you guys there's a meeting in the next room and people are f*cking screaming at each other. It sounds pretty damn epic.

I'm thinking of walking by and yelling out "JUMANJI!"

The story goes that shortly after World War II Frau M. (8th Grade German teacher) and her parents moved from Germany to someplace in the United States where she attended a Catholic school. There was a Dutch girl there, and the two became very good friends since they were both learning English, and Dutch and German are very similar.

One day at lunch, Frau's friend knocked over a glass of milk, to which Frau M. exclaimed "Ahh! Du schitt seiner milsch! (You spilt your milk!)" One of the nuns overheard this and started beating her with a ruler.

Alan: we were talking about anal smoothie stars - the ones who throw stuff in a blender & then give themselves a heatlhy nutritional enema assisted by a speculum
Me: I GUESS THAT'S WHY THEY CALL IT A HAPPY MEAL XD

Anyone else remember the hype surrounding the commercials that they were running before the Super Bowl a couple years ago before they premiered the 5 bladed razor? I remember watching that with my friend and going "Watch it's probably something totally useless like they added another blade or something." and she replied "No, they wouldn't be that stupid to hype that up this much, would they?"

When we saw that commercial come on the Super Bowl we both about pissed our pants laughing.

I really don't come up with anything originally funny. I prefer to think of myself as a conduit to the collective subconscious, pulling random bits of funny out of the ether.

Ok, I'm just a fucking lunatic.

September 18, 2008

An uzi is best used in small compact spaces since it uses a small caliber round with a short range. In more open spaces, go with an AR-15 since it uses a larger caliber round capable of going longer distances with better accuracy. Don't use an AK-47. That's just trashy.

Growing up in Daytona Beach gave me such a unique outlook. I hate NASCAR, I know most bikers are good people when they're not strung out on meth, I know college kids are mostly harmless unless they're drunk, and I know that everyone in Michigan who weighs over 400 pounds has sat on my beach in December in a bikini at least once in their life.

(About a guy who had a sticker on the back of his car that read "OBAMA is an empty suit with a dangerous radical MARXIST agenda. Vote MCCAIN-PALIN")

He's probably one of those guys that honestly believes that people will see this in traffic and it will be some sort of mind-altering revelation to them. Like some guy behind him going to Wawa will see this and go "You know what? This guy is right. Obama is a dangerous Marxist and will ruin this country! Fuck getting a hoagie and a pack of smokes, I've got political work to do!"

I can imagine there will be the day when the back glass in a car can be made with some sort of plasma-type material where the driver could see out but people on the outside would see some sort of display. Personally if I had that, I'd drive around with nothing but the car chase scenes from the Dukes of Hazzard tv shows playing non-stop.

(About learning to read using Penthouse magazine)

Hey, at least I learned to read unlike other kids in my class. So what if I was the only third-grader with a vocabulary that included words like "undulation" and "pendulous"?

September 22, 2008

I've always wondered if Brussels smells like brussels sprouts. I've also always wondered if all the men in Brussels are six-foot-four and full of muscles.

Stupid Flanders.

September 23, 2008

Days are like cities. Some days are like New York and just full of awesome. Some days are like London and just gray and rainy.

Today is like Detroit. Just completely awful with absolutely no redeeming qualities about it.

Fresh Prince of Delaware

2008-09-18T18:30:00.000-07:00

Now this is a story all about how
My life got flipped-turned upisde down
I'd like to take a minute so just sit right there
And I'll tell you how I became the Prince of a state called Delaware

On the westside of Daytona I was raised
On the beachside is where I spent most of my days
Chillin out maxin out relaxing all cool
Doin all sorts of drugs while skipping school
When a couple of guys who were up to no good
Called the cops on me in my neighborhood
I almost got a charge and I got scared
I said "F*ck this shiat I'm moving to Delaware"

I rented a U-Haul when the time was here
I drove it through DC consumed by fear
That I'd get jacked or shot right there
But I said "Naah forget it, I'm almost in Delaware"

I pulled up to the apartment about 2 or 3
And I yelled at some crackhead to get away from me
I looked at my kingdom I was finally there
To sit on my throne as the prince of Delaware

September 12 Rant

2008-09-12T12:00:00.001-07:00

Dear contractors,

Please stop bothering me. I have wasted my entire day thus far on you because you're too f*cking stupid to realize that you're trying to log on to an application on a user lookup screen. Not only that, but when I sent you a detailed walkthrough complete with screenshots you still managed to fuck that up somehow. And guess what? Your connectivity problems to the internet aren't my fault, and there's not a damn thing I can do about it. I can't fly to India and log in for you and set your security questions and fix your internet. So pretty please stop IM'ing me and bawwwwing, because honestly I really don't care about you or your problems. Fuck off I don't like you.

Me

September Funnies (Part 1)

2008-09-12T12:00:00.000-07:00

September 1, 2008

(On Sarah Palin and the birth of her last child)

If this really was her fifth child, she'd have squirted it out in less time than it takes to get a #6 combo from Taco Bell.

September 5, 2008

Does it involve peanut butter, duct tape, and a taser? If so, I'm going to sue the shit out of someone...

My friend Ellie: Do you know, when I read "Old Yeller" to my son, he didn't cry at the end. I cried while reading it out loud!
The kid *will* grow up to be an evil dictator....
Me: I wouldn't worry about it unless he had his hand in his pants.

HOLY FUCKING SHIT YOU GUYS, SHE ATE HER FUCKING LUNCH. SARAH PALIN MEANS BUSINESS, MOTHERFUCKERS! TAKE THAT YOU PINKO HIPPY LIBERALS - SHE WILL EAT HER FUCKING LUNCH. SHE WILL EAT HER FUCKING LUNCH AND TAKE A MASSIVE SHIT ALL OVER THOSE PUSSY ASS COMMIE FUCKTARD RUSSIANS, ASS RAPE VLADIMIR PUTIN WITH A BROOMSTICK, AND THEN EAT SOME MORE GOD DAMNED MOTHERFUCKING LUNCH. DOYOU SEE OBAMA EATING LUNCH? DO YOU SEE BIDEN EATING LUNCH? NO BECAUSE THEY HATE AMERICA. ONLY SARAH PALIN WILL EAT HER MOTHERFUCKING LUNCH YOU CUM-GARGLING, HIPPOPOTAMUS-FUCKING, SON OF A ONE LEGGED WHORE

September 9, 2008

It's ok... The economy... blah blah blah...

DAMN YOU GEORGE BUSH! I'D HAVE HAD A TEN STUFFED DOWN MY FUCKING PANTS IF IT WASN'T FOR YOU, YOU FUCKING GIMP!

September 10, 2008

I just had the most frightening (or hilarious) image of thousands of breadsticks goose-stepping in formation in front of what I can best describe as a cross between Adolf Hitler and Chef Boy-ar-dee, some carrying banners dipped in pizza sauce with a mozzarella circle and anchovy swastika emblazoned on it.

September 11, 2008

Jersey smells like roses and rainbows if roses and rainbows smelled like swamp gas and petrochemicals

Am I the only person who openly believes that only old men with handlebar mustaches and monacles should be allowed to harrumph?

September 12, 2008

There are at least two bands that have achieved a satisfactory amount of cowbell - Mountain and early Guns N' Roses.

The (Rolling) Stones produced one good song for every eleventy massive steaming piles of gorilla diarrhea they came out with.

Me: Any idea how to say "I find you extremely attractive Miss Timoshenko and want to father many of your children" ?
My friend Dena: Я нахожу вас очень привлекательной мисс Тимошенко и хочет отец многих ваших детей.
Me: Awesome. Now will you all come and visit me in a Ukranian gulag after I get a visit from the party van for making sexual overtures toward a head of state?

I've always wondered what evil overlords do when they're not working. Like when it's a nice summer day, I wonder if Vader heads down to the shore and like hangs out in Cape May eating saltwater taffy and sitting on the beach with a cold Corona. I'd imagine that guy has a shit-ton of paid leave, and really who would try and convince a guy who can choke the life out of you by thinking about it that he has to come in to the office?

"Yeah I know you're the Dark Lord of the Sith, but Murray's kids are sick and we really need someone to *hurrrrkkkk-kkk-kk*"

Is it bad that I started humming "The Battle Hymn of the Republic" when I was reading that?

(About the new Metallica album Death Magnetic)

Man I'd be pissed if I had paid for this steaming pile of hippopotamus diarrhea.

(About drinking Jagermeister)

Every single time I've drank it I've thrown up. And not like regular throw up, but it felt like i was trying to rocket Mrs. Butterworth from my colon to my mouth in 0.3 seconds.

BILLY MAYS (THE ORIGINAL)

2008-09-05T12:00:00.000-07:00

HI FOLKS BILLY MAYS HERE. I'M HERE TO TELL YOU ABOUT THE REVOLUTIONARY NEW PRODUCT THAT WILL CLEAN YOUR FUCKING BATHROOM SO GODDAMNED GOOD THAT YOU'LL SHIT YOUR FUCKING PANTS SO FUCKING HARD THEY'LL HAVE TO CALL THE FUCKING PARAMEDICS. THAT'S OK BECAUSE YOU'LL BE SHITTING YOUR FUCKING PANTS IN A BATHROOM, WHICH IS JUST HOW WE FUCKING TESTED THIS NEW AMAZING FUCKING PRODUCT YOU FUCKING HERPES INFESTED CUMDUMPSTER. IF YOU CALL RIGHT THE FUCK NOW, WE'LL QUADRUPLE YOUR FUCKING ORDER AND SEND YOU A FILIPINO MAIL ORDER BRIDE. THAT'S RIGHT YOU ANAL INVADING COCKSUCKER FOUR FUCKING TIMES YOUR ORDER AND SOME PINOY SNATCH FOR FUCKING FREE. SO GET OFF YOUR FAT FUCKING ASS AND CALL RIGHT THE FUCK NOW! HERE'S HOW TO ORDER.

August Funnies (Part 3)

2008-08-31T12:00:00.001-07:00

August 25, 2008

As much as I'm usually for computerizing everything, elections are one thing I want to see done as technologically inefficiently as possible. I'd be ok with handwriting an X next to the name of the candidate I'm voting for and putting a purple fingerprint next to it. If it's good enough for our Iraqi subjects, it's good enough for me.

Yes. People who can't even use AOL properly are going to fix electronic voting machines.

So is paffing like when I get an erection at work and then have to go somewhere and I don't want my coworkers seeing it so I have to think of things like that scene in Cocoon where you can see Wilford Brimley's diabeetus-ridden naked ass?

My friend Chris (who lives in Nevada): Damn it's late there. That sucks for you guys..
Me: Beats living out west.
Chris: You've obviously never lived out west...
Me: I've never lived in Somalia either.

August 26, 2008

(To a friend who was being asked about things by her old boss after being terminated)

Is this from the old job? Because I'd remind them that you're no longer contractually obligated to answer questions like these.

That line worked pretty well with my ex-wife. :-)

August 27, 2008

My friend Max: I guess I'm just a starry eyed optimist who keeps hoping the next fart will be rainbows.
Me: I've been farting plenty, but sadly all of my rainbows are brown.

My friend Sarah: Apparently some magical fairy paid my phone bill this month. That's weird
Me: Lucky you. All of the fairies I know aren't magical.

August 28, 2008

I can kinda see why some people look at politics like pro wrestling - all the sub-plots and good-guys-versus-bad-guys dramatics... And hell, I'd pay good money to see someone smack Hillary with a steel chair.

Wouldn't it be rad though if it was like pro wrestling? McCain could even wear a luciador mask and the presidential race would be settled by a barbed-wire baseball-bat and flaming table match-of-death. Shit, it's not like voting actually counts anyways, and this would be entertaining!

I like seeing how normal I can come off as to people at work. They're all "Oh, he is so nice and polite."

Little do they know...

August 29, 2008

(About MySpace)

Mine was deleted when I threatened to post tons of gay porn.

(About Sarah Palin)

Do you think she takes it in the butt since doing it regularly for a reason besides procreation might be sinful?

(More about Sarah Palin)

You don't know man. It seems like the more anti-everything a person is publicly the freakier they are privately. How many uber-conservative politicians have been caught with prostitutes, young boys, gay affairs, etc...

I'll bet she does ass-to-mouth and loves it.

Who is more virtuous - a man who does good because God will smite him if he doesn't or a man who, in the absence of God, does good because it's good?

This is one of those rhetorical questions with no answer, like "What is the sound of one hand clapping?" (and don't try that shit the Simpsons did either - you won't reach serenity in meditation with a cop out answer like that BART SIMPSON YOU FUCKING PRICK)

I was never a fan of the "let's blow the hair all over so it looks like an octopus in heat" look.

August 30, 2008

Say what you want about America, at least we don't let French furries advertise on our television...

COPS is 30 minutes of schadenfreude with commercial interruptions.

August Funnies (Part 2)

2008-08-31T12:00:00.000-07:00

August 15, 2008

Most days I'd rather gargle broken glass and razor blades in an isopropyl alcohol solution than talk on the phone.

FISH Philosophy?

Fuck it, shit happens?

No, the Japanese don't go for stuff that we take for granted. Ever seen a Japanese person eat a cake with a buttprint? Me either.

They're weird over there.

What's pav though?

I'm thinking I'll ask some of my Indian co-workers if they know where to get it, as long as "pav" doesn't translate into "dog dick" or something.

Alan made the mistake once of jokingly asking me for scat pron.

That was amusing. :-D

(About Heath Ledger dying)

Here's hoping Jim Carrey doesn't make a movie about buttsecks and start eating pills within the next 3 years.

August 20, 2008

I was talking to a friend a week or so ago and told them that I took up running. She said "Oh? That's good. You'll feel better. Didn't you feel better afterward?"

I looked at her and said "No, I thought I was going to die."

Her husband laughed and laughed. I like him.

I just found a Canadian dime in the community coffee fund. At first, I was kinda upset that it wasn't American. What a cheapskate! Then I realized that no, that Canadian dime is worth more than its American counterpart. Then I got happy because of the economy and inflation and how NOW AMERICA JR. IS A RICHER COUNTRY THAN US.

Supid ForEx.

August 21, 2008

I just had this mental image of you holding a cat up in the sun and squeezing liquid out of its ass, kinda like Bear Grylls in that episode where he's in Africa and squeezes the water out of the elephant turd.

Baltimore: We put the "HARM" in "CHARM CITY"

Me and Max and Bob started comparing our work systems. It seems like our companies like to buy Ferraris when what they need is a first generation Humvee. Sure, the Ferrari will go super fast and looks awesome, but it costs a shit ton of money to buy and keep, and you can't really go 300 mph on most roads you drive on because a.) they're not designed for fast driving and b.) there's cops around every corner waiting to fuck your day up (in our case, incompetent people who can't handle driving a Buick much less a precision sports car).

Fresh Prince of the County Jail

2008-08-27T12:00:00.000-07:00

Ok a little back story is appropriate here. My friends Max and Ellie were living with a guy named Bill. I say "were" because one day Bill was hauled off to jail on charges he molested his daughter. From everything Max and Ellie have told me, Bill is a stand-up guy and would never do this while his daughter is a lying, manipulative little cunt.

So their best friend gets hauled off to jail, and how do I respond?

With a Fresh Prince-roll, of course...

Now this is the story all about how
Bill's life got flipped-turned upside-down
I'd like to take a minute
Just sit right there
I'll tell you how he became the prince of the County Jail

In West Delaware, Ohio born and raised
With Max and Ellie is how he spent most of his days
Chillin' out maxin' relaxin' all cool
Goofin' off with Max, both acting like fools
When one of his kids who was up to no good
Lied to the cops in the neighborhood
There was one little allegation of CP and the cops got scared
They said "You're moving in with Bubba down at the County Jail"

They whistled for a squad car and when it came near
The license plate said "U-Haul" and you could see Chris Hansen in the mirror
If anything I can say that this raid was rare
Then I thought "What the shiat- they're taking Bill to Jail!"

He pulled up to the station a few hours later
And the cops all thought they had a perpetrator
In prison he sits and we hope the trial is fair
And one day Bill will no longer be the Prince of the County Jail

Apparently Bill got a laugh out of it.

August 27 Rant

2008-08-27T08:09:00.000-07:00

I think this is a problem that is inherent in our society. Nobody seems to stand up and take accountability for their actions. It's easier to play the victim and cry foul than it is to work hard and try and make a decent life for yourself and those around you. You see people do it all the time, from the people who get handicapped placards to get the close parking spaces when they are able to walk just fine to the people who wrap themselves in petty drama instead of focusing on actually accomplishing something with their lives. Everything is someone else's fault, and if I wish hard enough, MTV will come along and Pimp My ride and that bald weirdo with the same name as Howie Mandel will make me a millionaire and I too can live in a 90210 fantasyland where the Prozac grows on trees and it's always sunny, even if you're not in Philadelphia.

I hate these people with every fiber of my being. They are what is wrong with the world, and I hate them. All of them.

tl;dr - GTFO my planet, crybabies

August Funnies (Part 1)

2008-08-12T12:00:00.000-07:00

August 1, 2008

Alan, the next time you are eating bacon, you will think of my penis.

Later...

Alan, the next time you are eating camel, you will think of my penis.

If cynicism is healthy then I'm going to live to be a million.

My friend Chris: "Biochemically, love is just like eating large amounts of chocolate." -John Milton, The Devils Advocate
Me: Perhaps this is why I am alone. I can't stand chocolate, and I'm a biologist at heart.
I believe I'm biologically predetermined to fail at love.

August 4, 2008

Miss Noodle on Sesame Street gave me a huge boner, as well as a complex about having dirty fantasies about someone on a children's show.

August 5, 2008

I barely have time to keep up with my general day-to-day operations, especially with some of our more popular applications shitting all over the place like a new puppy without the cuteness. Just the shitting, and occasionally chewing stuff up. And shitting.

August 7, 2008

I LOVED DangerMouse as a kid. And not the English dude who does mashups. Him I could give a f*ck about.

Is it bad that I wanted to be Baron Silas T. Greenback when I grew up? Not because I wanted to be a frog in a suit, mind you, but because I wanted my own yes-man that called me "Baroney" in a Cockney accent.

August 8, 2008

(About my funeral arrangements)

I want to be hollowed out, stuffed with candy, suspended from the ceiling, and made into a pinata.

August 9, 2008

I woke up at around 10 and I started out watching women's soccer, then women's indoor volleyball, then women's swimming, and now women's fencing.

It's been more than 4 hours with an erection - should I call my doctor?

August 10, 2008

You mean they don't really hate us because we're free? They hate us because most of us are ignorant rednecks that take pride in the fact that we're ignorant rednecks?

USA! USA! USA!

August 11, 2008

Here's some advice.

I know that apathy and alcohol have saved my soul. See, when you care about something, you give it a chance to hurt you. And inevitably, everything will hurt you. So anymore I don't give a flying f*ck about anything. And when I find myself going "You know, they're really a nice person." or "F*cking asshole, I hope their house burns down.", I remember that I'm giving that person power over me - the power to hurt me and possibly steal my soul. So I start drinking and I just don't care anymore, thus ensuring I don't get hurt or have my soul stolen.

Some sort of something to you!

August 12, 2008

When going into a stinky bathroom, make sure you can hold your breath for the duration of what you're going to do. Nothing like holding your breath until you're about to pass out, and just as the lights start to dim taking a huge breath to prevent blacking out only to fill your lungs with jenkem.

Yeah I hate getting an erection while I'm trying to take a leak. Luckily for me I don't have to wear a tie to work anymore. Woot!

Rex Grossman is the smartest guy with Downs Syndrome I've ever seen.

Elizabeth and Me

2008-08-04T12:00:00.000-07:00

My friend Elizabeth is awesome. She has a child that is a year older than mine, so I talk to her often about kids and get advice. Once in a while, my crazy comes out though.

12:36 PM me: I don't get the appeal of Thomas the Train to small children
12:37 PM me: This crap is creepy
12:43 PM Elizabeth: I've never really watched it
12:44 PM me: The only things that move are the trains
12:45 PM me: And there's one narrator who does all the voices, but he doesn't like try to make different voices
12:45 PM me: It's just weird
12:48 PM Elizabeth: yeah
12:48 PM Elizabeth: that's kind of creepy
12:48 PM me: Heh
12:56 PM me: Something else I don't get about Thomas the Train
12:57 PM me: The songs are all sung by English children
12:57 PM me: The accent is pretty thick
12:57 PM me: Yet the narrator sounds like he's from like Maine or something
12:57 PM me: It's so damn weird
12:58 PM Elizabeth: maybe they've dubbed it
12:58 PM me: Why would they?
12:58 PM Elizabeth: but I'm not sure why they would
12:58 PM me: English to English?
12:58 PM me: lo;
12:58 PM me: lol
12:58 PM Elizabeth: I mean, it's such low production quality to start with
12:59 PM Elizabeth: they're not doing much to raise the bar
12:59 PM me: That reminds me of the Married With Children episode where they go to England, and Kelly had an English to American translation book

July Funnies (Part 3)

2008-07-31T12:00:00.000-07:00

July 21, 2008

My friend Nick: I'm guessing there's something about Batman in there, totally unrelated to the thread, so I'm skipping out on it. Don't need it ruined for me
Me: SPOILER ALERT: Heath Ledger dies.

Everything I needed to know about life I learned from Luther Campbell.

July 22, 2008

F*ck being a bull in a china shop, I'm more like a machine gun wielding gorilla high on meth in a china shop.

Wait, Joey Lauren Adams used to let that ugly fat piece of shiat (Kevin Smith) stick his wee-wee in her?

There. Is. No. God.

July 23, 2008

(On giving up on being an American)

I feel you man. I'm split 50-50 on the whole stay and try and change it versus just gtfo while I still can.

One of the things that keeps me from going the second route is that (unfortunately) there really aren't too many better places out there. I thought before about moving to Austria - I figured I spoke the language and could probably find a decent enough job there. Then upon further review, I noticed that it's in their constitution that they define themselves as a Christian nation, and I think that all children in the Austrian school system must take Christianity class. As a Buddhist, I feel that goes against my principles a little too much. Plus, look at some of the people that have come from Austria - Adolf Hitler, Arnold Schwarzenegger, and Josef Fritzl. Yeah, not so much.

I dunno. I love this country. But lately it really sucks a pony to be thought of as an American. Most of the rest of the world hates us for what our government and the controlling minority have projected. I must admit I'd probably hate America and Americans too if they bombed my country, raped my country's economy, etc. but I also have the wisdom to realize that not everyone in a country follows the party line. Not everyone in a country buys into or supports where the country is going or what it's doing.

So yeah. I should go make myself another microwave burrito.

My heart is the size, color, and shape of a black olive.

mmm colossal pitted heart...

July 24, 2008

It's a bacon of the month club?

The internet *truly* loves mankind.

Yaay school computers. It says NO PORNOGRAPHY but nothing about looking up pictures demeaning retarded kids.

Me: I just got this in my spam folder:
Senator John Mccain Wishes To Have Sex With Model Heidi Klum
Yep. Don't we all...
My friend Dena: Cept the rest of us probably have a better chance at it.
Me: Maybe she likes guys with super-human jowls.

Basically, Cthulhu = Karl Rove + octopus

July 25, 2008

Awesome - this is like swap, except I don't find myself wishing I spoke Portuguese so I can understand the dialogue!

I dunno, but I love this part of the wikipedia entry on the Bionic Six (I had to wiki it because I had no clue what it was)

JD Bennett was Jack & Helen's intelligent, adopted African-American son.

As opposed to what, Tyrone Bennett the stupid African-American son that probably never got on TV?

If SKYNET had sent Ro-Bear Berbils to kill John Connor, there wouldn't have been a need for the sequels.

Just sayin'.

Don't send an Austrian to do an animated cyborg bear's job.

My friend Max: That and it's hard to fap when all the lady parts are made out of stainless steel.
Me: This is not the first time that thought has crossed my mind today.

My friend Max: Gummi Bears was an awesome show. There. I said it.
My friend Matt: Talk about crushes on cartoon chicks . . . I forget her name now (Gwendolyn maybe?) but that chick was HAWT.
It was the braid, I think.
My friend Max: Her name was Sunni. Clearly, you're also into the kicking hair style and the attitude that just won't quit!
Me: She was the bomb. Allah akbar
My friend Max: The cutest, most delicious suicide bomber ever! Shia was great!
Me: I always wondered if female suicide bombers got 72 virgins as well. This would explain a vast amount of the population of sites like Fark and others, as Allah is obviously stockpiling for the increasing trend towards female equality in the vast arena of killing yourself and the infidels. However, wouldn't it be the least bit disappointing to blow yourself up only to get to heaven and have 72 nerds who have no idea how to satisfy a woman waiting for you? What would you do then - I don't think they'd let you kill yourself a second time around... perhaps you could just fake it for the 10 minutes it would take for all of them to finish and then ask Allah for a shot at James Dean?

The ayes have it.

Holy crap you guys, we just followed parliamentiary procedure. We're moving away from anarchy and towards an orderly society where we can all contribute ideas equally!

Haha I was only kidding about the last part. Now, which one of you broads is gonna go make me a sammich?

July 28, 2008

My friend Mike: And to think that 24 hours ago I was at work and there were a bunch of high strippers and their boyfriends shopping at my store.
Me: With enough cocaine, you could have been their boyfriend.

Hobo Talk

2008-07-25T12:30:00.000-07:00

Who knew hobos were so entertaining...

Me: A European friend of mine tried explaining Gypsies to me. He said that they were like bums, except they were bums for generations so the EU gave them special rights. I lol'd.
My friend Max: Now that's pretty awesome. Here we call them "hobos" and you don't even need a permit to hunt them.
Me: Any limits on how many you can bag? Size restrictions? This may or may not be relevant to my interests...
My friend Max: I've never seen any signs posted, but you might want to check your local ordinances. And make sure you dispose of your kills properly.
Me: I eat what I catch. I make a mean drifter stew. It tastes like sweat and cheap scotch.
My friend Max: I want a hobo international brand hobo. I hear they're all the rage right now!
Me: If I start a line of clothing, it will be called HOBO. And it will smell like stale piss and malt liquor.
Me: Everything will come in one color - hobo green (formerly known as olive green or army green) and each garment will have its own unique stains. Man, I'm on to something here...
My friend Max: Malt liquor? Pft. MD 20/20, grape flavor, man (that's the one that fucks you up most). Or, if you're feeling swanky, Thunderbird.
Me: Hrm... Perhaps I could diversify the clothing line by introducing MD and Thunderbird flavored garments?
My friend Max: Only if you want to cause a rash of vampire hobo goat* attacks.
*Also known as "chupacabra"
Me: Why would I not want to do that?
My friend Max: Because when you're using a chupacabra on a leash for hobo tracking, the last thing you want is to run across a couple of hipsters who may not yet have completely pissed off everyone in their lives.
Me: I'm not following your logic here. Remind me again why I wouldn't want El Chupacabra to slaughter hipsters?
My friend Max: Because, for some reason, hipsters may be missed. And there's a two per season limit on them.
Me: True.. if it weren't for hipsters, Starbucks and Borders would both face huge labor shortages.

20 minutes later...
Me: Everyone got really quiet. Are you all out killing hobos?
My friend Max: I mostly hunt at night. Mostly.
Me: Too easy. I like having to look for them as opposed to just going from park benches to overpasses.

A little later...
My friend Sam: I am busy being in a horriblly angry mood
Me: Stab a hobo and then swing him around over a large canvas. Then sell your artwork for tons of money.

Fuck the Yankees Rant

2008-07-24T12:00:00.000-07:00

Fuck the Yankees. Fuck their 26 World Championships. Fuck the Yankee mystique. Fuck the movies about the Yankees. Fuck Babe Ruth, fuck Mickey Mantle, fuck Roger Maris, fuck Derek Jeter, fuck A-Rod, and fuck Jason Giambi and his gay porn star mustache. Fuck George Steinbrenner. Fuck Hank Steinbrenner. Fuck YES Network and that douchebag announcer that sounds like he smokes a carton of cigarettes a day. Fuck Jeffrey Maier (no, I will not get over it, thank you very much). Fuck Yankee Stadium. Fuck buying division titles. Fuck fielding the best team money can buy and still failing to win your division and then crying like a bitch about it. Fuck grossly overpaying third rate free agents, thus raping teams who don't have a large market or an owner with little regard for how much money he spends.

Fuck. The. Yankees.

Love,

A Baltimore Orioles fan.

Will Farrell Rant

2008-07-22T12:00:00.000-07:00

The *only* thing that saved Anchorman from being the biggest steaming pile of fail this side of Fight Club was the guy who played the weatherman. Other than that, that movie was lame.

And I think I'd rather be sodomized with a broken bottle than watch Talladega Nights, thank you very much.

Will Ferrell sucks shit through a straw. He is the epitome of the phrase "No Talent Ass-Clown". He is the Paris Hilton of comedy - you look at him and go "Why is this guy here? Why do people care? Why doesn't he just shut the hell up and go away already?"

Yeah. I don't like him.

Fresh Prince of Tel-Aviv

2008-07-21T14:31:00.000-07:00

To my friend Jay who was having trouble with a sales rep he works with from Israel)
Hrm. Know any Palestinian reps?

Later...
My friend Max: Saying something bad about Israel! Why are you an America hating traitor?!
Me: Because I got in one little fight and my mom got scared and said "You're moving with your auntie and uncle in Tel-Aviv" I whistled for a cab and when it came near the license plate said "Meshuggah" and had a dreidel in the mirror I thought if anything that the cabbie was rank but I said "Oy vey, yo goy to the West Bank" I pulled up to the settlement about 7 or 8 and I said to the cabbie "Look out for suicide bombers" I looked at God's Kingdom it was nothing but sand so I sat on my throne as the king of the Holy Land

Fresh Prince roll of Alan

2008-07-18T12:00:00.000-07:00

It never gets old...

6:20 AM me: Hey man how come you're not shootin some b-ball outside of school?
6:20 AM Alan: lol! i was JUST headed out!
6:20 AM me: Oh I thought you were going to say that a couple of guys who are up to no good started making trouble in your neighborhood
6:20 AM me Have fun man
6:21 AM Alan: i hate you
6:21 AM me: I kjnow
6:21 AM Alan: thats jusy unfair
6:21 AM me: :-D
6:23 AM Alan: lol
6:23 AM Alan: bye
6:23 AM Alan: hope your day is god
6:23 AM Alan: um
6:23 AM Alan: GOOD
6:23 AM me: You too
6:23 AM Alan: you aint no BNudda jus yet
6:23 AM me: Just don't get in any fights
6:23 AM me: Your mom will get scared
6:24 AM me: She might even send you to live with your auntie and uncle in Bel-Air
6:25 AM Alan: GOD DDAMMIT
6:26 AM Alan: BYE!
6:26 AM me: Later man
6:26 AM me: Go whistle for a cab...

July Funnies (Part 2)

2008-07-17T12:00:00.000-07:00

July 11, 2008

(About uncomfortable situations at work)

I think perhaps instead I'll just bring up something equally as uncomfortable and see where it goes from there.
"Yeah sucks about that. By the way, did I tell you about my divorce?"
"I heard. That's too bad. Hey, did I tell you my kid crapped out a turd the size of a beer can the other day?"
"Isn't that a shame? Hey, did I tell you I masturbated before work this morning?"

July 12, 2008

Do you currently have a mustache? This is important if you're going to become a cop.

July 14, 2008

In some countries, they're not nice enough to put you in jail. They'll just beat your ass and shoot you.

(About "Tuckerizing")

That's when Disney makes a giant flop of a movie about your life.

If you dream of me, then I am really, really sorry.

What happened was that I won the internets and banned the stupid for today. That's why there was dancing. Well, the stupid folks weren't dancing... They were crying. But the rest of us were doing the foxtrot in a river of stupid tears.

July 15, 2008

(To a friend who said he was drinking tea)

Pinko. Real Americans drink coffee straight from the oil pan of a Ford or Chevrolet. Go drink your tea, comrade.

My friend Max: Neil Patrick Harris, Nathan Fillon, and Felicia Day in a musical about a mad scientist with a blog? All put together by Joss Wheden?
Me: That is all you. Personally, I'd rather be hung from the ceiling and beaten like a pinata than watch that.

July 16, 2008

My friend Sarah: That was me yesterday. I was doing a lot of random math. Like working out EXACTLY how long it would take me to pay off the car I want.
Me: That's not exactly random though. Random math would be trying to figure out how much Antarctica weighs or when *Chinese Democracy* is going to come out...

My friend Sam: Hey American ladies, guess what? The department of health and human resources is trying to call contraception abortion!
Me: By that reasoning, did I commit abortion in the shower this morning?
My friend Sam: Every sperm is sacred. Every sperm is great. If a sperm is wasted...
Me: I commit genocide in the shower. lol

My friend Max: Yes. Because my dinner is probably going to be late and I'll have to listen to her bitch and stuff. GOD.
My friend Ellie (Max's wife): *narrows eyes*
Me: Max say: Res. Becrause my dinner probabry going to be rate and I'rr have to risten to her bitch and stuff. GOD!

July 17, 2008

Hrm. I never thought about the consequences of actually *firing* mah lazer. I know that it's pretty damn awesome when I'm chargin it, but I never thought about the aftermath of shoopin' da whoop.
I guess I've grown up a little today.

|b|e|e|r|
my anti-drug.

Token Problems

2008-07-11T12:00:00.000-07:00

So part of my job is helping people out with problems with these. Unfortunately for me, not all of the college educated computer programmers I give these to are smart enough to know how to use them. See the e-mails below:

Hi Milk,

It seems my xxxxxx id has got deactivated and i am told by the help desk that the token has got out of synch and needs to be resynchronised.

I will appreciate if you can reactivate/resynchronised the token.

My xxxxxx id is xxxxxx and the Network id is xxxxxxx.

Token serial number is 31974140

Thanks and With Regards

Mind you, this is in response to this e-mail I had sent him back in February:

xxxxxxxxx,

I have activated your new token (serial number 000100514097). Please let me know if you have any further problems with it.

Best regards,

See what's wrong yet? Maybe this e-mail he sent a little later will shed light on this.

Hi Milk,

Let me check if i am using the old token by any chance.

Thanks for your help

D'ya think?! Don't forget to wear your hockey helmet on the bus ride home.

July Funnies (Part 1)

2008-07-10T12:00:00.000-07:00

July 2, 2008

(When asked for a vegetarian recipe, I offered this:)

1 vegetarian
2 lbs garlic
9 onions
40 lbs potatoes

Chop, mix and sautee garlic and onions. Chop and mash potatoes. When garlic and onions are brown, mix in with potatoes. When mixture is consistent, stuff vegetarian and set in the oven at 375 F for 6 hours.

There's not much you can do with Mongolia as far as jokes. Barbecue, beef, and Khan are about it. It's not like Ulaan Bataar is an exceptionally humorous place, you know?

July 4, 2008

OH SHIT YOU GUYS TO CATCH A PREDATOR MARATHON ON MSNBC RIGHT NOW.
Nothing says "America - Fuck Yeah!" like Chris Hansen telling people to "Have a seat over there."

July 5, 2008

My friend Chris: Goddamn I'm bored. I really should do something with my life.
Me: Get a whole bunch of kittens and give them out to kids at a park. Without telling their parents.

July 7, 2008

You guys know I don't watch movies. I don't really keep up with them, and know very little about them in general, especially newer movies.
I decided for the ex-wife's birthday in May to get her a movie night, where I'd buy her a DVD and some microwaveable popcorn and some candy or something. Just something I could write my son's name on and hand it to her and forget
about.
I picked the movie "Sideways". I seriously had no idea it was about a guy going through a divorce who finds out his ex-wife is dating someone. I thought it was about wine.

July 8, 2008

(About elves and magical powers)

They can be anything you want because they're make-believe.

Hooray for documented evidence that people are f*cking retarded!

I was asked to write a FAQ for the website I'm designing. Upon hearing this assignment, I asked "What exactly do we do here?" in the meeting. A couple days later I had a nice FAQ written for me to cut and paste onto the site.

July 9, 2008

I had a pet rat once. It bit me, so I threw it out the window of my apartment. The next night there were like eleventy cats sitting outside my window looking up, probably hoping for more manna from heaven. I lived on the first floor, so it was a 6 foot drop at most. It's not like I lived on the 9th floor and ya know, dropped the equivalent of a living water balloon out the window.

I remember where I used to work, people asking when I was going to get married. Well, I got married, and they started asking when I was going to have a child. Well, I had a child, and they started asking when I was going to have another. Well, I got divorced. I showed them!

I'm so angry I could vomit.

(About people who claim to be Native Americans)

Howcome everyone's "totem animal" is a wolf or a bear or some shiat like that. Howcome no one ever goes "My totem animal is a pigeon." or "My totem animal is a cow."? And what's with people claiming to be Native American when they're like 1/256 Cherokee or something? Does that one part *really *give you some sort of magical powers, other than the ability to drink vodka like it's your job?

July 10, 2008

I didn't know there was a hierarchy. Is it like baseball, where you have like Rookie Leagues, Low A, High A, Double A, and Triple A before you get to the pros? Are there trades involved? Could a domanatrix wake up one morning and find herself traded to Milwaukee for cash and a blow-up doll to be named later? Do college domanatrices get to use aluminum paddles as opposed to wood?

(About my college library)

Oh, and the funny thing about the library is that all over the computer area are signs that say:

*WARNING*
*NO PORNOGRAPHY*
*WARNING*

Well what the hell else is there to do on the internet?

More Workplace Fun and Games

2008-07-09T12:00:00.000-07:00

Dear Milk,

I am unable to login into XXXXXXX and create my PIN. The login page is not being displayed properly. i.e. Username and Passcode textboxes are not displayed. Please give me a solution for creating PIN.

To which I replied:

When you go to the XXXXXX homepage, click on the link entitled "Click here to enter the XXXXXXXX Application" - this will then prompt you to enter your username and password.
Best regards,

I thought long and hard about signing that "Best retards" and trying to play it off as a slip.

Then about a week later...

Ok you guys remember the guy I ranted about last week because he ignored all the e-mails and had his priveleges revoked?

He called again.

His new token came in and he couldn't log in with it. I tried everything I could as and administrator to get him in. I spent an hour on the phone with him and a system security lead, trying to walk him through the steps to get him up and running. Tried everything I could think of *twice* to get this guy into the system.

Finally after an hour of my time is flushed down the toilet, it works.

It turns out he was trying to log in using the wrong application.

July 1 Rant

2008-07-01T17:15:00.000-07:00

BAWWWW I can't get access BAWWWWW help BAWWWWW what do I do BAWWWWWWW

I'm seriously about to snap on someone. Why the fuck do you wait until 2:30 on a Friday to tell me this shit and then act all surprised when it doesn't work right? Why the fuck can't anyone follow simple step by step directions? And what the fuck makes you think that I can just wave my hand and make shit start working right again? If I could do that, I wouldn't be stuck in my job - I'd be a goddamned millionaire and I wouldn't have to put up with bullshit all. day. long. from fucktards like you. Now kindly get the fuck out of my face and call the fucking help desk. Better yet, you are a trained IT professional - you went to college for this shit - why not try helping yourself out since you would think that you would know way more about this than the dumb redneck with a high school education? Try pulling your head out of your ass and trying to help yourself out of this jam that you created by losing your token (way to be responsible, shithead) and coming up with a better solution than BAWWWW halp BAWWWWWW

And then, as if it couldn't get any worse, she IM's me.

stupid (3:43:08 PM): Hi Milk
me (3:44:13 PM): Hello
stupid (3:44:35 PM): xxxxxx spoke to yo uregarding my xxxxx token
stupid (3:44:38 PM): xxxxxx
me (3:44:52 PM): Yes
stupid (3:44:59 PM): i called helpdesk
stupid (3:45:23 PM): they told that my sponsor can again reset my temp
password
stupid (3:45:38 PM): they told me the steps to do after getting the temp
password resetted
stupid (3:45:45 PM): can u plz reset my temp password again
me (3:45:49 PM): Ok I'll reset it again
stupid (3:45:56 PM): ok Thnx
stupid (3:50:13 PM): ok I will try with this
me (3:50:20 PM): Ok
***reset message***
stupid (3:59:52 PM): hi milk
stupid (3:59:55 PM): it dint wrk again
stupid (4:00:11 PM): and the helpdesk ppl are nt able to help me becoz I
couldnt answer the security qs
stupid (4:00:31 PM): help desk person is asking whether yo(my sponsor) can
join the call
stupid (4:00:51 PM): can u plz join the call now and help me in this?
me (4:01:10 PM): Sure thing call me xxx-xxx-xxxx
stupid (4:01:14 PM): okie sure
stupid (4:01:17 PM): I am calling you

I'm on the conference call now - the reason this woman can't log in is because she's logged into another application using a different user id. Oh and she's not following any of the directions me or the Help Desk guy are telling her.

Then later...

Oh it just gets better and better. The Help Desk guy suggested I log in as her using the temp password I set. Apparently, he too feels she's too stupid to do this on her own.

Thing is that I don't have a computer background. I came from Hospitality and Customer Service. My computer knowledge is limited to what I do on my PC at home and the minimal work experience I've gained in the past 2 years or so in some basic functionalities of some of the more basic systems. I'm not trained to really problem solve and fix technical issues - about all I can do is reset a password and hope that the user is smart enough to read the directions, comprehend them to some extent, and follow them.

I expect way too much I know.

June 30 Rant

2008-06-30T12:00:00.001-07:00

Part of this was made into my friend's gchat status message for quite some time...

Hope y'all don't mind, but I'm going to vent for a minute.

When you get two or more e-mails telling you something is going to expire today, don't act shocked when you can't use it. Don't fucking call me up complaining because you can't get your job done - it's not my fault you ignore important e-mails. Oh, and it's also not my fault I can't log into the system right now because the system is down - it's karma. It's karma smiting you because you're fucking stupid. Karma hates stupid, and karma hates you. Now kindly quit fucking calling me before I "accidently" have your account purged.

Sincerely,

Fuck you.

June 2008 Funnies

2008-06-30T12:00:00.000-07:00

I wasn't all that funny in June, apparently.

June 4, 2008

It seems to me that politics is an excuse to argue about something while usually doing nothing.

June 30, 2008

Turn that self-destruction into just plain ol' destruction!

Now you've got me pondering the reaction between household bleach, hydrofluoric acid, and dog poop.

Dinosaur Porn

2008-06-05T12:00:00.000-07:00

Another conversation between Alan (80) and I. The part about anatomically correct dinosaurs keeping me up at night? True story.

Milk: Know what I was thinking for some reason last night before I fell asleep?
Milk: Why don't you ever see anatomically correct dinosaurs?
80: what IS an anatomically corect dinosaur Milk?
80: :-/
Milk: They couldn't have all been female
Milk: How come when you see drawings or even toy figures of dinosaurs, they never have dicks?
80: ok Milk
80: you are as f*cked in the head as me
Milk: This seriously kept me awake last night
80: thats teh most awesome thing i heard all day
Milk: Heh
Milk: I was thinking of making a meme
Milk: that would require a picture of a dinosaur with a gigantic phallus
80: i think teh Trex would have a small dick though
80: to match the hands
Milk: then I realized I'd never seen one
Milk: Not in like books, not on figures, not even in like museums
80: T rex will have small dicks , so teh heej's can happen
80: and brontosaurus' wil have the longest disks, so they can get deep throated
Milk: lawl
Milk: omg
Milk: RULE 34
80: LOL
80: DINO PORN
Milk: Raep-a-saurus Rex
80: hahaha
Milk: I was going to use the same eyes and teeth as Raepraham Lincoln
Milk: put it on a T-Rex
Milk: And have some huge cack there